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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am feeling kind of reluctant to talk with my boyfriend lately because I have been stressed out about my ex. He was emotionally abusive and rushed and pushed me to get engaged because he wanted to marry me for his green card. I eventually came to my senses and broke up with him, but he asked for my engagement ring back and I still have to deal with him even though I never want to see him again--I don't want to tell my bf because it just doesn't have anything to do with him, and I don't want him to feel like my therapist and I don't want to overwhelm him with all my problems or feel like his gf has so many problems...but he can tell I sound depressed when we talk over the phone or that I lose my temper with him more often.Does anyone ahve any advice on how I can handle this without burdening my current bf?
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broke up, depressed, emotionally abusive, engaged, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (16 April 2006):
 It must be so hard for your current boyfriend to keep on getting the affects of your moods without truly knowing why, it must be like only knowing half of you and that is not easy for anyone.
You say that it has nothing to do with your current b/f but if he is so different to your fiancee then I don't actually agree with you I'm afraid. If you care for him deeply enough then you would be able to gradually open up to him.
Emotional abuse is not easy to get over and considering I was in a long term relationship for almost 20 years and most of that time I had a lot of emotional abuse, never physical thank goodness, I understand how you must feel.
But until you start to open up to someone, even if that is not your current b/f your ex will always have a hold on you, even if he is not in your life as you are holding onto the pain of the past relationship. Go and talk to someone like Relate in the UK or someone similar if you are abroad. You don't have to go as a couple to get good non judgemental advice and it doesn't cost a fortune either, just say what you can afford if they tell you the cost, you may only want a couple of sessions.
You do need to address this though and if you don't feel like telling your b/f then that is your choice but do talk to someone, I know you can get advice from this site but do think about a trained counsellor as they are impartial and you may let out a lot more to them. There is no shame in seeking help you know and you will feel a lot stronger for it, believe me. I do now and I parted with my ex last June, I work with him every day now though as we have a business together but he will never be in control of me ever again, he has tried and I don't allow it so prove something to yourself and to your ex.
Stay strong and stay positive, you can do it honestly.
Here if you need a chat or any one of the other agony aunts are always around so never feel afraid to ask for help OK.
BFN
A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (14 April 2006):
 Hi,
the only advice I have for you is to tell your boyfriend everything. Then he can help you through this. If he can't cope with his girlfriend having problems then tough! Don't let your ex get to you. Show him you are strong and never give up on the love you have now.
All The Best and Blessed Be,
Phoebe
xxx
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