A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been seeing a girl for over a year, she is a lapdancer. Didnt bother me at first but now ive deep feelings for her as she has to me. It gets to me a lot and she knows it but i know she wont give it up. Im thinking of breaking up with her to ease my pain and making up some excuse for it. Should I do this or ask her to quit? I dont wanna ask her to do this as i wouldnt want her telling me what to do, im stuck between a rock and a hard place, ive never been so unhappy in my life.Please help
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female
reader, JulietteElise  +, writes (19 March 2007):
 First of all you should talk with her. You say you know she won't give it up... but have you asked? At least ask her if you were both to be engaged or married if she would give it up then (if she dousnt even after marriage then... well... it might be better to end things now...). If she knows you are this serious about her she may change her mind.... the money might be good... perhaps thats her only reason for wanting to keep the job? Either way... talk to her.
now.... i know i'm a female... and i ahvent even been to a strip club before..... but a lap dance, though sexual... isn't penitrative as far as i am aware. Thus... it should be safe. I know this is still highly uncomfertable... and... well... i would never want a b/f, fiance, or husband of mine to go to strip clubs and get lap dances... but... for the sake of argument and looking at things from diffrent angles.... lap dances really arent that bad are they? You said you were fine with this at first, so why where you fine with it before... or was it just because you saw being with her as a fling and nothing more? Could you maybe ask her, through compermise, to just strip and not do lap dances? also... please remember and consider this.... she loves you (i presume since she is dateing you for a year or so) and to her, these men are just her source of income... and probably a rather good one at that. could u maybe turn it around and make this a bit funny by thinking how those guys are spending money so you both can get things like a apartment, etc? I have read statements from female porn stars saying that sex on the set is just sex, and mostly fake, but with their one special loved one its real, and love. thus, when she does things with you in privet, its because she loves you, and the things done are real and special.... not just another "trick."
but please talk with her.... and make sure its a very serious and open-ended conversation. This means you each take turns expresing your views in calm tones, and how it all makes you each feel. I'm sure u've mentioned things before, perhaps jokeingly or in a more demanding or even whiney way..... but this is now the time to have a real talk... and the last one on this subject. don't say things like "if you loved me you would..." and things like that for it will make her immeditly deffensive, and perhaps even angerd or threatend. instead, just try explaining how you feel... "your job makes me feel...." and explain why you where okay with it all before, but arent now, and why you arent now... and how you really care about and love her, and want a future with her (i presume this is what you want). so... before you make this decision... at least give her a chance to decide on the relationship too.
i hope this was at least slightly helpful....
best of luck
A
female
reader, StellaBaby83  +, writes (19 March 2007):
 Well anonymous, I can understand how this could be affecting you but the question is, was she doing this before you too were seeing each other. If she has been doing it before you, then this was a part of her when you met her and it would be very hard for her to give up something she enjoys.
On the other hand if you really want to work this out you need to be honest with her and tell her how you feel. You could ask her to give it up but I wouldn't get your hopes up as if she has been doing this before you then its a really be ask.
Just be honest and whatever the outcome will be for the best because you have been honest with yourself.
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