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Are we actually together or just exclusive FWB?

Tagged as: Friends with Benefits<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 March 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

A few months ago I started a friends with benefits relationship with someone at uni, it went on for four months and we saw each other regularly. Eventually I started developing feelings and i thought it was only fair to tell him. He actually admitted that he had caught feelings too but said that he didn't want to label us as anything and wasn't ready to commit. I was fine with this as i don't want a relationship. However i did ask him not to sleep with anyone else which he didn't exactly agree to he just said he'd try not to. A couple of weeks later he said that he'd been thinking and that he now wants us to be exclusive. I don't really know what he means by that, is it just that we're going to not sleep with anyone else and just be exclusive friends with benefits or that we're actually together?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (14 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntWe could all sit here at tell you he is using you for sex, he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anybody else to have you, or that he is having his cake and eating it as well but we could all be wrong, and what you need to do is just ask him what he meant by that?

You told him you had feelings for him, he may have said he does as well but does he actually show you that he cares for you? He said only a few weeks ago that he was unsure if he could refrain from having sex with other girls, which tells me that he is not wanting to be only with you. I honestly think he is telling you what you want to hear, so he can keep having sex with you. You will end up getting hurt if you have developed feelings for him as you do want more than just sex, but sweetie I believe that is all he is willing to offer you. Talk to him and see how it goes. Good Luck.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 March 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt I am with Danielepew.

It sounds to me like he is responding to your request of two weeks ago, that he should not sleep with other women. He did not commit to that , but then he realized that what's good for the gander is good for the goose too, and he did not particularly like the idea,

So, best case scenario, he has accepted sexual monogamy outside of a formal relationship. and worst case- but much more probabale scenario,- he is just pulling the wool over your eyes. You will be monogamous ,... and he won't, he will just be more careful to not be found out :).

Then again... we could be wrong, and the best way to know it, would be simply to ask HIM : "what did you mean by etc.etc ? Did you just mean monogamous sexual partners , or actually being together ? "

Why the shyness ?

If you are close enough to have sex together, you are also close enough to ask him with whom you are having sex, your FWB or your boyfriend !

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (14 March 2016):

Danielepew agony auntHe means that he doesn't want YOU to sleep with anyone else, but he will sleep around if he can.

If he had left things at "I will try not to sleep with anyone else", then you'd eventually think that there was no reason why YOU would be exclusively with him while he sleeps around. And that's what he doesn't want.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (14 March 2016):

janniepeg agony auntI don't think he's ready for a relationship yet, but he doesn't want it to just be casual. When you asked him if he could stop sleeping with other girls, he probably heard "exclusivity", "smothering," "clingy," and not that he actually needed to sleep with someone else. Then he realized you are not any of the above, and then he worried you could want to sleep with other guys too. Now he doesn't like that so he wanted to be exclusive. The transition from FWB to a relationship can be hard. You need to take it slow and start over with real dates. Your meetings would not be just hanging out, planning your next sex. I suppose it would be deeper conversations that involved feelings and how his past relationships ended.

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