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Are they mind games or is he scared of his feelings?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Recently the man I was seeing decided that he was confused about his feelings and wanted no contact for an indeterminate period of time. I have totally respected that request, despite feeling pretty bad myself - I have not phoned, texted, emailed or tried to run into him anywhere. A week has passed and yesterday I got an email from him telling me he feels bad for the way he's treated me and asking if we can perhaps be friends. At the same time he said he's been missing me terribly and thinks about me every day - also that the problem was that he couldn't seem to control his feelings for me, which were very strong.(This does not sound like "friends" to me).

Following this message I sent him a brief (calm) text saying that I would like the chance to talk to him and could he suggest a suitable time, etc. I guess I wanted the chance to see where whether we could salvage a friendship out of it (despite it being rather soon for that). He asked if I wanted to talk on the phone or meet up in person. I said that I preferred face to face, and he said he would try to arrange a meeting. A couple of days have passed and he has not got back to me at all. Is he just playing mind games do you think? He had extremely strong feelings for me but when he wanted to split he said it was not love. I am so very confused about this, it all seems crazy to me! All comments gratefully received.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks once again for all further comments (and kind remarks) ...I have managed to get in contact with him and we are hoping to meet up this week to talk about what's going on and where we might be heading. I am most relieved about the chance to talk face to face, as I think phones, texts, etc., cannot substitute for the look in someone's eyes.

I will let you know what happens! ... watch this space!!

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (12 January 2010):

boo22 agony auntI hope he sees the light and comes running back to you asap.

You sound like a great girl to me and i don't want you to waste too much time in limbo waiting for him to get his act together.

Good luck x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

My apologies if I've missed something in the comments, but I'm wondering if you've had much sex (or any) yet, and if not, if he could be dealing with erectile dysfunction, and is embarrassed about it? I know that it's coming out of the closet, what with Viagra commercials and all that, but I'm sure many older men are still uneasy when it happens, and would be unsure of starting a sexual relationship if they were having problems of this nature. He may also have had a scare with his prostate, you never know. Hope you have that chat with him soon.

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A male reader, Honest Answer United States +, writes (10 January 2010):

Honest Answer agony auntWith that, I would err on the side of a mid-life-crisis. Its probably time for him to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. So I suggest you give him a bit of time (no more than a month) to figure out where YOU factor in his life.

If he decides that you are a match, I wish you two many happy year. If he is uable to decide, then I think it is time for you to move on.

You seem like a very nice woman. Whatever happens, I am sure that there will be happiness in your life (sooner than later).

Good Luck!

Jeff

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all very much for your replies so far - much appreciated.

Honest Answer : In answer to your question, we have known each other quite a long time - 3 years as close friends. The relationship took another turn (romantic) about 3 months ago, so we never got to the living together stage or anything. I wonder whether he is thinking it was just a mistake to move out of the friend zone (not that he has ever said that). He was in fact beside himself over me!

Alligator: Thanks for your comments. Yes we are very close in age - he's 50 and I'm 51. I will bear your remarks in mind as they are very useful.

Boo22: Thanks for your comments. He and I know each other well and although you will see (above) that we haven't been romantically involved for long, I think it was always there under the surface anyway. The sudden decision to have no contact and then him breaking it off has really upset me and I'm trying not to give a knee-jerk reaction because I do like him and care for him. It does seem to be all about him at the moment though. Contacting me and then vanishing again when I contacted him does seem a bit of a drama queen thing to do doesn't it? You are right, if he likes me he should be coming to me (and I'm not going to push and beg!!).

xlaurenx: Hi - thank you for your kind remarks. Believe me, it has been hell trying to stay calm. He is probably working through stuff, but the vanishing thing after I replied to him is hard to take. I will try what you suggest and leave it a couple more days.

Anonymous: Thanks for your comments - I will bear them in mind and give him a call or text in a few days to see if I can find out what's happening.

Cheers everybody - I feel better from your supportive comments. Thanks!

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A male reader, Alligator United States +, writes (10 January 2010):

He's being truthful. If he's close to your age I am as well, he could be feeling many things. Fear(not of you) his own emotions. Previous letdowns. Unable to make a commiment. Not that he wouldn't try but doubting himself. I would say 99 perecet of this has to do with his own self. One percent with you. You would be suprised at how much some men find themselves looking behind us instead of in front. Speaking from experence of course. Be patient. If it's mean 2 be it will be

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2010):

boo22 agony auntHi, could really do with some more info, but from you've put it sounds like he's a waste of your time as a romantic prospect.

He sounds like a drama queen, who's wasting your time with his angst.

He should be wanting to be with you no question.

It's all about him and it should be the other way around.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010):

I honestly don't think he is playing mind games. Possibly you should just try and take it slow by talking on the phone. If he starts doing/saying things that friends don't do, maybe you should point it out to him if you don't like it. If you do, leave it at that. He seems confused, but maybe being away from you made him realize what he is missing out on. I hope this helps.

God Bless.

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A male reader, Honest Answer United States +, writes (9 January 2010):

Honest Answer agony auntHow long have you been seeing him? Is it serious? Living tigether? Kids involved?

Jeff

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010):

You've handled the situation perfectly so far, in my opinion and I agree that it is all a bit crazy! But well done on your approach to it all. :)

Maybe the thought of meeting you in person is worrying him because he knows he feels strongly for you and seeing you face to face may stir up these feelings he is trying to work through.

You've placed the ball in his court and left it to him to confirm meeting. I would start to go on like normal, if he doesn't get back to you then it wasn't meant to be.

I think if I were you I would leave it a couple more days and if there was still nothing, I would send a short message just asking if he's ok and tell him if he does ever want to have a chat, you'd be happy to meet up. I would then be content that I had done as much as I could without pestering and start to move on. But everyone's different!

Take care and whats meant to be will be.

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