A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I stumbled across this site looking for some advice...and came out quite discouraged =[Does anyone know of a functional relationship? Of a healthy marriage in which mistakes are made but forgiveness is extended and the love is still strong? Does anyone know of a couple that's worked, that's made it through? All I see is cheating and insincerity and lies, and yes I know that humans are messed up and that everyone makes mistakes, but honestly, are ANY relationships working out these days??Feeling quite discouraged about love...someone please help =[ Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Maybe you better take a closer look at these boards. There is plenty of advice on how to find a good man, where he might hide, how to flirt with him and date him and become a good friend. How to make him happy at home, how to stop him from cheating, how to communicate with him. There is also advice on danger signs, men that you shouldn't date, there is advice on where to go for help if things go wrong. There are many examples of people in love, and couples that don't cheat. There are even examples of people in pain and with disabilities trying to help each other out.
You need to look at the positives in life, if you want a good man and you want to have a good relationship, then arm yourself with a knowledge. Go and find him and try to make him and yourself happy. One of the beautiful things on this site is it tells you how to stop things from going wrong. As I said, your concentrating on the wrong things. Don't despair, learn from other peoples mistakes and take each day as it comes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, obviously funcitonal is a relative term...and i'm not saying i'm perfect, i'm far from it...i was just looking for a relationship where it actually works out...but thanks for the insight....just a husband who loves me, doesn't cheat, doesn't hit me, and wants to try is all i'm asking for. i don't think that's asking for perfection.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Hi
functional is the easy ride what can you learn from a perfect life? What is perfection ? does it exist? are you perfect and looking in on all us fallen angels? life is a challenge both good and bad. it's not what is always done to us that matters it is how we react and try and stay positive, even work things out. Your perfection searching is actually futile. we all have a dark side and when you realise even you have one, then you may not feel so discouraged and alone. Love starts within yourself and forgiveness. My mammy and papadada 49 years married ,with all the dark qualities of life that was thrown at them are still together but love and forgiveness won, the dragon slayed, their victory won.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (14 July 2008):
 Sure, they just don't get much attention since happy marriages don't need fixing.
You might just as easily think that the entire world is dying if you stay at an emergency room all the time, or that the city is burning to a cinder if you only listen to the emergency channel.
Don't let forums like this make you think that they are a representation of the real world, after all, if that was the case then you would have to believe that men have far fewer problems in relationships since the majority of posters are women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): Yes, happily married 15 years and many more to come, knock on wood.
We've had some very rocky times where mistakes were made and forgiven (though neither of us has ever cheated I'm fairly confident.) But so far we've been able to win through, because my husband has a heart of solid gold and because I actively try to improve our marriage skills (one reason why I enjoy reading and answering questions on this site.) The first six years were the hardest, but having weathered some storms, we feel much stronger and more flexible than ever.
The most effective tools we've learned to use are our senses of humor to admit when we've made a mistake. We use our memories to try better next time, also try to remember to avoid behavior that annoys or hurts the other. Our current greatest weakness is the lack of free time to date each other (little kids.)
Communication is indeed the key. But what are you supposed to communicate? Well, one should communicate if unhappy, dissatisfied, annoyed, sad, and not let these feelings build up. Such communications should be timely, specific, polite, and nonjudgmental. Not "You always..." but "It hurt me yesterday when you..."
One should also feel free to ask one's partner if anything is wrong, and not be afraid of the response. One should remember to communicate happiness and affection. Finally, one should try to stay current with what your partner needs the most (don't spend all your time cleaning house if he wishes he had a traveling companion; don't work overtime for money to buy a bigger home, if she would rather you spent more time with the family)
We won't know if this was a successful relationship till we're dead and it's all over. But it's been very good so far, and I pray it stays that way.
Keep the faith, and don't be afraid to love, young lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the encouragement, everyone =]] It is really quite helpful. I guess with all the dysfunctional relationships I see around me--my own parents/aunt and uncle/and friends-- it's difficult to see a relationship that lasts. Thanks everyone! Much appreciated =]]
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): Yeah, my parents have been married for almost 28 years, and sure they have had their issues, but nothing recurring, just circumstancial disagreements. But it's all good. I wish I get into that kind of marriage sometime. They just have this amazing relationship were problems are talked through and mistakes are put in the past. None of them has ever cheated nor come close to. It's all good :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): mmmm.. that didn't make sense, if she was alive then she couldn't be dead.. but I'm sure you get the point.
I also forgot about communication, and proper communication of the male / female kind. If you remember you love each other, but think differently about things, and learn how to talk not argue, then it helps to make relationships work out. I never ever heard them raise their voices at each other, and they chased each other around the house untill she got sick. They were completely opposite people, but they made their marriage work. I think these are the things that matter and I hope we have helped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): No, no, babes. That's like working in a morgue, an undertakers and wondering if there are any human's alive and if everyone else is dead.
As tremor has said, this site is for problems. There are many happy relationships in the world. Love for someone else can be one of the most beautiful things in the world, and if you look closely that's what most people on here are trying to work out. None of these relationships are failures, there are just a lot of confused people, trying to work things out and find somebody to be with and love.
My Uncle and Aunt were married for 60years, he nursed her through 15years of sickness, and held her hand right up to her death. He couldn't bear anyone else to help her and he sent all the nurses away. He wanted to lift her and care for her, and do everything himself, even though he was sick and in pain. Even now we have to force him to stop visiting the grave and go on with life, as she would want. If she was alive, she'd probably hit him round the head and say "you silly old fool, can't you see I'm dead". We feel lucky really, they were so close that we thought that if one went the other would die. He's done so well without her and is more social and looks younger than he has done in years. I feel so sorry for him, and I wonder if he manages to sleep properly without her by his side. But marriage and love is not easy, things that are valuable are worth fighting for.
She once told me a secret, when I asked if he and her was each other's first love. She laughed and said that he had many girls when he was young, but she chased them all away. Love, commitment, kindness and hard work makes relationships work, but people are only human and everyone makes mistakes... Keep the love alive, take care of you, and yes there is a bright side to life.
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reader, Sandman +, writes (14 July 2008):
 Be not discouraged by the things you see - for the things you see are only a part of the whole.
Of course there are many relationships in which neither party cheats, lies, or disrespects each other but instead loves and adores one another. The problem is, we only hear about the bad ones because that makes for good news.
No one cares about the functional relationships that "work" anymore. No one wants to hear about the couple who's been married XX years and still love each other. We hear about the train wrecks; the high profile Hollywood divorces, bitter custody disputes, spouses killing spouses - but that's not the total reality.
Remember, a healthy marriage or relationship is what you make of it. If you choose to make the relationship work, it WILL work. There are circumstances in which a relationship will not last which include but not limited to abandonment, adultery, and abuse. These three items (in my opinion) are deal breakers. Other than that, the relationship CAN be salvaged and CAN be successful. Both parties have to play a part in the success story though. One party can't give 110% while the other party only gives 50%. That's a terrible imbalance which will lead to confusion, resentment, and a host of other negative thoughts.
Keep your head up and your wits about you. You WILL find a man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You will both love and care for each until the end of your days and you will look back on this day and wonder how you ever even thought that this wasn't possible...
Hope this helps.
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reader, Tremor  +, writes (14 July 2008):
 Don't get discouraged - remember that this is a site for relationship and love advice, so the majority of the posts are going to be from people who have problems in these areas. It only seems like a lot because it's all concentrated into one area.
I can assure you that there are plenty of stable, loving relationships that work out just fine - they just don't post on the site because, well, why would they need to?
Yes, sometimes relationships are messed up, but sometimes they are great too. I know plenty of couples in successful relationships. My own, for example, or my parents, or my boss. I'm sure other aunts can share similar sentiments.
So, chin up! Don't dwell on the negatives - not ALL relationships are drama filled and angsty. =)
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reader, PsyCookie +, writes (14 July 2008):
 Well, yes there are, and please don't feel discouraged!
Although I find myself thinking I sound like I'm bragging, I do have a relationship that worked out, even with mistakes. My boyfriend did something that not many girls would forgive, even when he looked sincerely sorry. I forgave him and I still trust him with my life, because I love him and I know he does. I have done some things that are not so good either and he has forgiven me for everything. Although we're young and some people might not think it will not work out JUST because of that, I don't believe them because we both know it will. We want to prove everyone that we're the exception of the rule.
Now, I'm sure that I'm not the only one here and there are many MANY people who's relationship has worked out to the end. Just don't give up, NEVER give up, and I'm sure you'll find that one guy who will stay with you no mattter what.
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