A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been in a long distance relationship for the past two years plus but recently my ex-boyfriend has gotten back in contact with me and told me he has feelings for me and he knows I have a bf but he asked me think about getting back with him. He dumped me and i was devastated and it took me a while to get over him. He was my first real bf and the first guy i slept with etc. My current bf and I are at the stage where we are about to live together which involves me moving lock stock and barrel to the other side of the country which I will admit i am apprehensive about too but i thought things were fine with him until I heard from my ex. I do still care about my ex but he has issues and he dumped me once and who is to say he is not capable of doing it again? I'm so confused I don't know what to do can anyone give me some advice, please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to read my question your advice is appreciated.
A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 Moving across the country to live with your boyfriend is a massive step; I completely understand why you would be apprehensive! I think its likely youve wound yourself up about your ex's contact with you because he represents familiarity, which is especially appealing at a time where everything is changing. And like you said, he was your first everything, so he is always going to have a special place in your memories - but thats where he should stay.
You sound (to me) like you already know what you want to do - you said it yourself, things with your boyfriend have been good, until you started confusing yourself about the ex. My advice would just be to forget about the ex completely - heinsight is a wonderful thing, so dont ignore its insights! You know what type of person your ex-boyfriend is (his "issues"), so don't throw away what you have with your current boyfriend for him.
As for whether you are ready to make the move to your current boyfriends, only you can say that for sure - but make sure you're not rushing into it in an effort to move on from your past relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionZayla80, I find this response extremely insulting and disrespectful to me. I had a question and asked for advice. I feel Zayla80 is adding her own twist to things. Thanks but i won't be listening to this AT ALL!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (28 May 2010):
 dog in the manger syndrome! your ex boyfriend is the dog that doesn't want the manger but if anyone else sits in it he wants it back.
dont trust this man
he only wants you because you are with someone, and its probably an ego boosting activity for him to call you up and play your heart strings puppetmaster styleé
stick to your guns with the new man and move to see what its like and if it doesn't work out you can always move back, if your ex is GENUINELY interested then he can wait until you have made a go of things first to see if you still want him. keep the ball in your court and dont be fooled by the man who treated you badly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): You are thinking about doing the same thing to your current boyfriend that you ex DID TO YOU...talk about calling the "kettle black." Obvioulsy you are not over your ex-boyfriend thus you should not lead your current boyfriend on any longer.
Don't move in with your current boyfriend, tell him the truth about how you feel about him and if you have to end the relationship with him, do it in a respectful manner since you didn't get involved with him what way. It's totally disrespectful to get someone involved with you knowing that you still have feelings for someone else. TOTALLY WRONG. When ending with your current boyfriend, don't put the blame on him--TELL THE TRUTH, tell him that you are going back to your ex and don't make him feel lower than dirt by making up excuses and blaming him for the breakup. Be honest, be nice, be respectful and if he truly loves you, he will be hurt beyond belief, but it doesn't make sense for you to stay with a man you don't love or have deep feelings for because, those feelings are felt for someone else...in your case, it happens to be your ex.
Also, if and when you end your current relationship, you must understand that whatever the outcome is, you have to ACCEPT IT, if you go back to your ex and he is a changed man, fine, then you can live happily ever after with him, but if it doesn't work out, don't go looking to get back with the guy you dumped for your ex. Accept the choice you made and move on.
I know people make mistakes, and bad choices, but I would find it hard to go back to someone who left me for someone else. If things don't work out between you and your ex, I don't think it would be wise for you to get involved in another relationship until you understand your self worth, until you understand what a real and true relationship is about, and until you are COMPLETLY over ex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Your ex obviously doesn't care about you at all. If he did he'd let you move on with your life and be happy but instead he wants to disrupt your life so he can get what he wants.
He dumped you and left you to pick up the pieces and now that you look like you've moved on and are building a new life with someone else he can't stand that and wants to destroy it. Even if this isn't exacty his intention, the end result will be the same, plus he knows what he's doing. For your ex he's only thinking about what he wants and not what's good for you. He dumped you once and left you heartbroken and as you said he still has issues.
He knows you well enough to know all the right things to say and do to get under your skin and at the end of the day that's all this is. He caught you just at a time when you have a major change happening in your life and you are feeling confused and apprehensive, the perfect time as you'll be more open to his suggestion.
You have to break off contact with your ex and focus on your life now. He will plead and beg and say eveything you want to hear to make you do what he wants, but you know in your heart that breaking up with him was for the best and you know getting back together with him would be a disaster. Ask yourself too how your current boyfriend would feel about all this going on behind his back.
What your ex is doing is unfair to you and your current boyfriend and it's obvious he doesn't care what happens between you. Remember always that actions speak louder than words, people can say anything they want but it is their behaviour that defines who a person is. Is this the behaviour of a nice person? Or is this the behaviour of a person that wants only what they want regardless of what effect it will have on your life?
Look at what it's already doing to you. He's making you question yourself already, you dont do that to the people you truly love, when you love someone you do whatever is necessary for them to be happy and that includes letting them get on with their lives wihtout you if you have to.
Cut off all contact with your ex, nothing good can come of this and he's an ass for doing this in the first place, he made his bed now he should lie in it while you move on and be happy.
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