A
male
age
36-40,
*indupBird
writes:Hello all.With this question I am just trying to get a sense of what most people find to be appropriate behavior in a relationship re: communication with an ex.With all of my previous girlfriends there was just a kind of unspoken rule that contact with exes would be limited. My assumption was that breaking off contact with exes was just kind of the 'way of things' and accepted it as part of being in a committed relationship. In particular my last girlfriend was (by her own admission) very jealous, so my contact with other females in general was low.Of course I am asking this question now because my current gf is quite the opposite. She has several male friends (which I am perfectly fine with) but she also still talks with/sees several of exes, her most recent one in particular. To me this borders on inappropriate, but she treats the issue so nonchalantly that I feel like a jerk talking to her about it. How do you all deal with this issue? In your relationship (or past relationships) would you be okay with your significant other, for example, having lunch with his/her ex? A year ago I would have answered that question with an unqualified 'no' but I am open to change and don't want my gf to feel like I'm restricting her in any way.Thank you so much for reading. Agian, I understand that it really comes down to the comfort level in each individual relationship but what I am looking for is a kind of general sentiment as to whether this conduct is appropriate. I know it's silly but I'm worried about being overbearing or have my level of jealousy seem 'above average' :-p.
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male
reader, WindupBird +, writes (16 April 2009):
WindupBird is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your well-thought-out and considerate response.
I will find a way to bring up the issue and ask how she would feel if I hung out with recent exes, but I'm fairly sure she'll say it wouldn't bother her, just based on her previous conduct and her own desire to stay in touch with her past boyfriends.
I know it is my responsibility to raise the issue to her if I have a problem. That being said, I would never hang out with a recent ex because I know that it could potentially be hurtful thing to do, and it's not important enough to me that doing potential harm to my relationship. The fact that she does not feel the same way is what disappoints me, along with her nonchalant announcements that she is (for example) "going to lunch with ____." She is an intelligent and 'tuned-in' young woman and I'm sure is aware that this could be a touchy thing to do...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): I think it all really does come down to the individual situation. If you don't trust your significant other enough to maintain friendships with exes, maybe you should look at what that is a symptom of. I always do the "if it were reversed" test. Try a little brain exercise when you come upon these issues and reverse the situation and the roles you are playing completely. Really try to experience what you would feel in that case and then determine if your reaction is reasonable. I would also encourage your GF to do the same, especially in this situation. Ask her to be very honest about whether she'd be bothered at all if you went out often with your recent exes. Then maybe you two can commit to respecting each others' feelings, even if they may be a tad irrational at times :)
I would just stress that jealousy isn't solved when you cut someone off from the outside world. You are obviously a very smart, well-intentioned guy, so I would take this opportunity to explore what jealousy indicates - things like insecurity, past individuals breaking trust(not just boyfriends/ girlfriends), and a million other issues. Since we all have different baggage, it's going to be impossible to come up with a universal stance on the topic!
bona fortuna
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A
male
reader, TheVirus7429  +, writes (16 April 2009):
 well it sounds like you dont trust her much, you would need to trust her more. in my personal opinion i have never had a problem with my girlfriend meeting her exes. as i do to, i tend to keep fairly good friends with them all. but about 1. if you have an issue with this sit down with your girlfriend and talk about it, as comunication is vital.
wish u luck
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