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Any advice on how we go forward after a break?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2019) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 March 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I split up with my ex a couple of months ago now and we didn't have any contact for a month but he contacted me and we have met a couple of times.

We split due to me feeling he didn't want the same as me commitment wise and i admit i compared myself to his ex wife and his commitment to her.

The first time we met since the split we just spoke casually, we met again two weeks later (last night) and when i dropped him off we kissed and both said we still had feelings.

But he has made it clear he is unsure and does not think i will let his past go and the problem he feels is resolved by him not being in the picture.

I have worked hard on myself the past couple of months to be more positive in my mindset and to understand why i felt the way i did.

I admit i am also unsure and i am scared that i will go back into the way i used to think. But then i don't want to lose him either (we was together nearly two years). It was never about not having deep feelings for each other and the attraction is clearly there with us both, but we both admit we are unsure what the next best move if anything is

Any advice please?

View related questions: a break, ex-wife, his ex, my ex, split up

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2019):

Just to clarify he has no feelings for his ex wife, has no contact with her, my insecurities stem simply from his honesty about his marriage.

I appreciate the negative thoughts on reconciliation however there are also success stories if both are willing to look at what went wrong and to work at changing their ways.

We never argued over single thing, it was always about my feeling insecure and acting on my thought process impulsively

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 March 2019):

You may be starting a pattern of being on and off in your relationship. That's not healthy.

You talk about your deep feelings for each other. What's the use of having strong-feelings when you can't trust him, and suffer from a lot of insecurity?

If he doesn't want the same thing, what are you fighting to keep?

Insecurity kills relationships. I don't care how much you love each other, your mate will simply become frustrated and tired of dealing with your insecurity. Constantly being forced to reassure you. Only for you to fall-back on jealousy and insecurity of his past. Something he can't change or undo.

He can't make his past-life disappear, or delete the existence of his ex-wife. He loved her before he ever met you. If you can't deal with that; then you're sabotaging your relationship with insecurity. If you want marriage, but he keeps avoiding it; accept that he doesn't want to marry you, and move on.

If your husband and his ex seem too close; or you can't stop comparing your relationship with him, to his relationship with her. Then you need to leave him. Especially if their present connection seems closer than you're comfortable with. If you can't control yourself; don't expect to have any control over another person's feelings. If you need him to prove he loves you more than he loved her; how do you do that? How could you convince anyone of something like that?

If he repeats the same behavior that drives you crazy; that may require ending the relationship and never contacting each other anymore. The relationship is damaged beyond repair. Contact won't let you move on.

From the way you have described his feelings about it, I think you've hit that point. You're meeting-up because you miss each other; but you haven't really had enough time to change. You say you've worked on yourself; but deep down inside you will say and do anything to get him back. It will only start a cycle of lying to get him back, being the same, and breaking-up again. His ex-wife will still be there to remind you of the recurrent issues you've had in the past.

People kill themselves in defiance of incompatibility. Going totally nuts trying to force something unworkable to work. Trying to combine opposing-personalities or extreme personality-quirks that just don't sync. They'll spend more time battling and fighting than loving. Fear of being alone and dependency will drag these relationships on and on.

The final result being they just end in failure. Then comes the nasty breakup; because they prolonged the demise of a bad-relationship beyond tolerable limits. Literally beating it to death. Then comes the game of going back and forth.

Random contact, when both people need to just move on.

Before you start considering a reconciliation; consider if you're going to revert back to your insecurities. If he can't stop doing whatever triggers you; then he's not right for you. If you have trust issues, and he's shady and hard to trust; you're a mismatch! You'll be back here soon after you reconcile. It just won't work.

The odds are heavily against reconciliations working. Very few succeed. Especially when there is an element of insecurity. If a person can't trust or handle their insecurities; that's failure from the get-go. If one wants marriage, and the other doesn't; it's a waste of everybody's time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI forgot to mention that there is ANOTHER reason why I think that going back to an ex or taking a break is rarely a good idea.

A PARTNER should be someone who BRINGS the best out in you, NOT your worst. That doesn't MEAN you will always BE at your BEST around a good match, but more often than not.

Your retro-jealousy was DEFINITELY not you at your best. You are trying to work on that, and that is great. But it might BE that HE brings that out IN you. If you haven't dealt with it in other relationships. So, something else to think about.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI think you should keep working on you. While you have made great improvement in 2 months, no one really change completely in that short period of time. And... being AWAY from him has made it easier for you to NOT obsess, so it FEELS like you have come further than perhaps you have.

If you both THINK there can be a future here, then GO snail pace slow. See each other AS FRIENDS over the next few months. Agree (perhaps) to NOT date anyone else while you two get reacquainted.

Usually though, I don't think relationship that NEEDS to take a break will work on a later date. Sometimes there is just TOO much water under the bridge that WILL come up again and again to sabotage the relationship.

You know the saying, an ex is an EX for a reason. You CAN love someone DEEPLY and NOT be a great match long term. It happens.

You might BOTH feel like you have to walk on eggshells around each other and that... is really not healthy either.

He might hold it against you in an argument (about anything).

YOU might do the same.

So you see the dilemma. However, IF you are BOTH willing then TRY the "go slow" method and see if you two CAN make it work. Give it 3-4 months and if it works, it works. And if it DOESN'T at least you both gave it a shot.

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