A
female
age
36-40,
*araa
writes:My flatmate and I get on just fine, but we're not particularly close. We both work late hours and like our own space, so we mostly just stay out of each other's way. A few weeks ago, I started to sense something was wrong. She kept telling me she was fine, until she eventually broke down and admitted she was pregnant. It's a long story, and it's all very complicated, but it would suffice to say it wasn't planned and that the father is completely out of the picture. She scheduled an abortion, but then she didn't go through with it. After that, she became even more withdrawn than before. She doesn't talk to me at all, and when I ask if she's alright she just shrugs and says she's fine. I respect her privacy and don't want to be intrusive, but I can't bear to see her struggling like this. I hear her crying sometimes, but in front of me she's unemotional as ever. I worry about her, and I would just like her to know that I'm there for her, but she's so incredibly distant. She only seems to become more aloof whenever I try to bring it up. How should I go about this? Should I try to persuade her to talk, or should I just leave her alone and mind my own business?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 Persuade her. Tell her you are worried about her, and wish to help. Ask her to think about it, and to let you know what you can do to help. You might not be best friends, but you live together. Kinda like a family, and on that level you care about her and would want to participate and help. Unconditionally, and you wont expect favours in return.
In the beginning you can do simple things, like some extra grocery shopping (pick up snacks for her that she didnt ask for) do some extra chores around the house and do dishes that she was originally supposed to do and stuff. It would lift some burden off her shoulders. And if she gets upset about it and tells you not to bother, take the "mother" approach. Tell her she has a lot on her shoulders right now, and need to focus on herself and handle her situation. And until she gets on top of things you intend to help out the only way you know. And that if she wishes you to help out in other ways she must let you know how.
I think that is it good for her to just know that you are helping out. It might be hard to put a finger on exactly what could help, and we all try so hard to be independant that we find it difficult to ask others for help. But even if what you do wont make a difference, at least you will make it obvious that you do intend to help, one way or the other. And that alone can give her the support she needs.
Then you can offer an ear when/if she feels like opening up and talking.
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