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Anal sex and wife won't try it

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Question - (13 September 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2009)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *mINormal writes:


Firstly I apologise for such a long post, but this is a BIG problem with lots of different elements.

My wife and I have been together for almost 6 years (married 3 months) and a few problems keep coming up.

The first problem, the one that keeps cropping up is my fascination/addiction to anal sex. Ive never done it with anyone as my wife is my first sexual partner, but in the past (even as a teenager) whilst watching porn anal scenes were always what done it for me, why? I dont know... my wife says she doesn't want to do it as she feels it is for people just having sex on a whim and not something a loving couple would or should partake in. i would have to say i disagree and i see it as just another avenue to explore with each other and maybe a new way to enjoy sex (not that we don't enjoy it already) I'm a little confused, because a while ago, even though she said she wasn't interested in the idea, she let me lick her anus and stick a finger inside her on a few occasions. When i tried to talk about how she felt about it she wouldnt speak to me, this left me feeling confused. I myself wouldnt mind turning the tables and have her stimulate me in that way, she has licked that area before without me asking, but i didn’t really want to suggest she do it to me incase she thought I was a bit weird.

The second issue is porn, for some reason I keep watching porn, started when i was a teenager, mostly did it alone (while i would masturbate) occasionally i would have watched with other male friends. but in the past while with my wife (girlfriend at the time) i found myself occasionally looking at pornographic websites, watching videos mainly of anal sex and cumshot scenes, she caught me watching once and was very upset. She said it ruined her self esteem and confidence. She also thinks that by me doing it, i did it with total disregard to how she would feel and that i was only thinking of myself, which i can agree with, i was thinking about getting off first, and her feelings second, which as a husband is unacceptable. My wife thinks i watch porn because she doesnt fulfil my needs, if by that she means anal sex i don't know, i wouldnt say i "need" it although it is something I would like to do, the thought of it just turns me on. If by that she means she doesnt have sex with me enough i kind of agree and disagree at the same time. I mean i could have sex all the time, and still be horny... is that normal? Incase you think she is of the "anti-porn" mind-set she isn’t (at leats I don’t think she is), we have watched porn together once before, and have even taking photos of each other and made our own videos as recently as our honeymoon. I think that me watching it on my own and being secretive about it constitutes as a form of cheating and betrayal in her eyes, and if I am to watch it it should be with her or not at all.

Her catching me watching porn has happened twice in the past and i said i would stop it.... well here i am now, married three months and the wife goes away for the night with a friend and im home alone. so what do i do with my alone time, i decide to combine the two, i watch porn whilst stimulating myself in the normal way, and analy, and i even video myself for good measure... jeez writing this all down does make me sound like a freak... anyway needless to say my wife found out the day she got back, how she did i dont know and dont need to know, but she did and was inevitably hurt more than ever, so much so she couldnt stand looking at me and spent the night at a friends.

Ive tried to explain she is all i want, and its just porn and I am not some weirdo and i would never cheat on her but that isnt enough. she insists i have a problem and it is not normal for be to be thinking and acting this way. She says its as if she doesnt know me, a whole new me has been hiding under the surface with dirty thoughts and intensions. She wont forgive me until i see this and sort it out but ive tried, and i still dont think that watching porn and masturbating, even if i did do it a little differently is all that wrong, so if she is right (which she is 99% of the time, usually takes me ages to realize it) then i said i will do what ever it takes to get sorted, and if that means counselling then thats the road i'm going to have to take.

Lastly i wrote this message before reading up on my problems so that i would tell you everything in an unbiased way, while i am waiting for replies i will search for answers myself to get the best possible solution. My wife has also read this and will be reading the replies I get as we are trying to work thought this as a couple, like husband and wife should.

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this lengthy problem and reply.

View related questions: anal sex, confidence, horny, porn, self esteem

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A female reader, lexleburger United Kingdom +, writes (14 September 2009):

first and foremost, you are far from a freak!!

each to their own, if you like it, you like it, and it isnt for your wife to tell you what can turn you on and what cant.

to be honest, i am a VERY openly sexual person, i pride myself on being experimental and outgoing with my fella. We started out doing the generic, basic stuff but this very quickly got old.

I asked him about his fantasies, and after loooooads of coaxing, he told me some of the more deeper ones (btw i am telling you this to show how normal you are).

ever since we have began doing the naughtier, darker fantasies our sex life has been amazing, the taboo of doing some of these things is enough to make me orgasm, let alone the actual act. but the best part, and most important part, is i feel so close to him, i feel like weve connected in a new way. by fulfilling his sexual lusts i feel even more attractive, its made me feel really powerful and like im his best, and the best girlfriend going!

anal sex isnt anything dirty or wrong or bad, when done correctly it is really enjoyable; for both males and females. if she is open to it, begin with small toys before using your penis to show you wont hurt her or cause discomfort.

if shes not game, thats fine too. youll have to accept it. but in the same instance so will she. and if anal turns you on, and is something you want then your wife will have to accept that you will need to look at those pictures and videos and experiement on yourself.

another point, porn is nothing bad or wrong, its just a persons way of exploring what they like. what would she rather have, you watching porn, or you cheating to have anal? i think she'd prefer you to be on the laptop ;)

i dont wish to sound rude,honestly i dont, and understand you want to make your wife happy, but she sounds really controlling. maybe she has the issue. . .bad past sexual expierences? or just the way she has been brought up. a conservative background is likely to generate a very narrow way of thinking.

being insecure because of a porn star is rather silly, you cant touch the woman, or run away with her or have sex with her. would she be feeling this way if you were watching angelina jolie? probably not.

you should reasure your wife that it isnt the woman/man you are fantasising over, its the actual act they are doing.

i know how she feels, when i saw my guy watchin porn the first few times (with the lads at a mates house) i was pissed off, i felt inadequate and unwanted.

its bollocks. i know now, its just a release, its a guy thing, and tbh, i dont mind watching it with him now. its a great place to get ideas from =p

its just like a womans release is a bit of self loving with a dildo or drooling over a fireman. its natural and its what guys do.

to be perfectly honest you seem really concerned and upset about this, but anyone who cant accept you for who you are and makes you feel like a 'freak' is not a good person to have around, or the right attitude to hold.

she cannot stop you having lusts, nor should she. its healthy that you feel comfortable enough to tell her.

if she wont partake in this, then she'l have to accept you'll do it alone.

you wont be able to change, youll only end up resenting her or doing it in private causing her more upset.

i hope this helps, any more thoughts drop me a message

good luck! xxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009):

Of course u r feeding ur anal sex fantasies with the porn.... Sorry but u have a problem. Counselling to help you learn how to respect all wo

en and your wife also is about the only thing that will save ur relationship.... Very sad how the uneducated men of our generation think porn is somehow acceptable just because it's available. I really feel sorry for your wife and any daughters u may have now or in the future.

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A female reader, HereAreMyTwoCents United States +, writes (14 September 2009):

HereAreMyTwoCents agony auntOk, you say you are a guy with high sex drive. Ok, then both of you need to find ways to get creative and do it often. This, by the way, is not abnormal - high sex drive in man, watching porn a lot, and masturbating. To the wife, if you want him to do less of that, then pay more attention to different things he likes in bed. Please him, and him in turn please you. The anal sex thing, it is not for everyone. It is painful, or can be. It is something to work into slowly. There are things I believe called anal bead or balls, that you can use to relax and open the anal canal before insertion because... face it sex is just not what the anus was designed for by mother nature, so if you are open minded and willing to try to do that you can, but work your way into it slowly. When she says "OW" - YOU NEED TO STOP. I'm not sure if that pain would be as bad as a man getting kicked in the groin, but it is probably the female equivalent. Anal sex can hurt like crazy if going to hard and not lubricated enough

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009):

I understand the anal sex thing. I always found it very erotic. My wife (then gf) let me try it once, but it hurt her so I shelved the whole idea. Maybe 20 years later she let me try again. It took many attempts before we were successful. I'm very grateful that she was willing to try something new, both because it's something I always wanted, and because after all that time sex can get *very* stale. Be patient. She knows you're interested, and maybe one day down the road she'll reconsider. For goodness sake don't pressure her.

I've been hanging out on this site for a few months, and I've been quite taken aback about how shrill some women are about the porn issue. To me it's all just very straight forward. I'm horny, there's nothing in my head that's going to get me off right now, so check out a website and take care of business. It has nothing whatever to do with watching someone I'd rather be with. Even after all these years my wife is the only person I could imagine being intimate with.

Nonetheless, the women are awfully consistent in what they say about porn -- that it makes them feel inadequate and such. Most of us guys don't seem to get it, but that doesn't make us right or them wrong. We have to respect their feelings regardless.

If you're a considerate lover, then you probably take lots of time for foreplay and make sure that she's satisfied first. That's wonderful, of course. But what women don't seem to get is that sometimes we just want to selfishly get off and be done. Just a few minutes, no fuss, and no worrying about whether she had an orgasm. That's what masturbation's for. And for most of us porn is just an aid along the way. IMHO, the only valid reason for a woman to complain is if you're choosing masturbation *instead* of her. If she's missing out in any way, then you deserve the kick in the ass.

I hope you guys can work it out, and that someone here says something that helps. Best of luck.

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (14 September 2009):

dearkelja agony auntI am going to try to reply to several things going on here. I do not think I am a prude and I like to think I have an open mind.

Anal sex is not for everyone. A partner's choice to engage in anal sex should be their choice and one shouldn't be asked again if they are very much opposed to it. Depending on how big you are, how much force, etc, you could damage your wife physically and for her it seems psychologically. So, I say no anal sex for your wife.

Watching porn..that's your choice. If you want to continue watching it and you continue to have a loving, healthy...respectful sexualy relationship with your wife then that is your choice. Maybe if you think about sex and could have sex 24x7 you need much more stimulation than the sexual relationship with your wife. But do not lie to her about your needs and your intentions to quit if you have no intention of quitting.

For me, I would be hurt if my guy didn't find me satisfying enough that he had to watch porn often. I'm not saying I'd be offended or hurt if it was every now and again and I'd probably watch along with him, but if it was secretive and daily I'd be apt to think my man had a problem with me and then again...with porn addiction.

There's a balance here that needs both of you to respect some of your personal choices. Though it probably seems I am siding with your wife on most of it I do think she needs to recognize that this is not about is about you.

But I wonder if she is afraid your addiction will eventually lead to your going out and finding someone to have anal sex with. I think I might be a little afraid that if I wasn't "good enough" he'd find someone better.

Just my thoughts, like I said, sort of siding with your wife.

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