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female
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anonymous
writes: hiya, theres this lad that i know and we the other day we got really close, u know we was just going with each other and stuff but he wanted 2 take it futher and i wouldnt let him, coz i am nervous bout it coz i am a virgin but its also because when i was younger i was touched up and had things done 2 me and i could never stop it i was only young and i was too scared and didnt know what would happen if i did say anything, i have kept this bottled up for about 8 years now, theres only my best friend who knows, the point is i think this is the reason why i am so nervous and dont wanna do owt, even though in my head i do and i feel confident but when it comes down 2 it i cant, but i dunno whether 2 tell him wht happened 2 me when i was younger because this may change everything but will it change it for the good, i like his sooo much and i dont wanna lose my chance with him but he thinks am soo scared to do anything and its awful when he asks me why i wont do this coz all i can say is 'coz' coz i dunno wht he would say or how he would take it if i told him the real truth, pleaseee help me! i like him sooo much
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2006): i am a 27 year old women please, please, please dont feel pressured into doing anything you dont feel comfortable i was abused sexually by my step dad aged 8 to about 14 i learnt about the birds and the bees wen i was 13 and tryed so much to stop this i begged my mum for a lock in my bedroom so i could lock myself in and stop him from getting into my room to abuse me and make me do thing to him it was horrible being made to do something you do not want to do i no longer let any man or in fact make me do anything i dont want to do. you should not do anyting you dont want to do if this guy of yours respects you he will wait for you when u r ready if he dont he aint worth it. hope this helps
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): ok please bear w/ me. When i was 14 i was raped. I have have always been worried what the one i was going to marry think of me when i told him.I just recently decided to tell my boyfriend of 4 years what happened. I have known my bf for 8 years and i hadnt said one word about it to him even though i trusted him but i was relieved when i did because i found out he still loved me even though. When i told him he just looked at me, held me and listened to me as i told him the story as i cried. He didnt think any less of me for it. If you havent already told an adult you should because it feels so good seeing your attacker/abuser getting punishment for what they did to you. Believe me i put my attacker behind bars a year or more after it happened. And i feel more secure and protected knowing that i didnt have to be afraid of what others would think because it could have been prevented. If you really like this guy you should take the chance. I know that sounds odd but it might be the best thing you ever did. IT HELPS TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 First of all, I'm sorry that this happened to you. You have to tell someone! Before I talk about your problem, I want you to think about what happened to you when you were a little kid.
This guy sexually abused you, and you were too young and too scared to make him stop. That's totally understandable and everybody that's ever had that happen knows exactly what you feel. You're not alone, unfortunately.
The only thing is, if you don't tell what happened, then the guy that did this to you is free to do it to other kids, over and over, for decades! He'll never stop ruining kids' lives until he gets caught and thrown into prison!
Please don't think it's too late to tell. The statute of limitations on sexual abuse is very long, which means that you can report things that happened even years, even ten year or more, before. So if you possibly can, please tell a responsible adult, like your parents, another relative or a school counsellor. They'll know what to do next, and that will hopefully keep the person who abused you from abusing lots and lots of other innocent kids!
Getting back to your immediate problem, part of the reason that you're having these confusing messages in your mind, may be due to never having been able to work through the fear that you remember when you were abused. So, even though you *know* you're not with your abuser, the feelings are too similar and they set off all the alarm bells that you learned as a child.
I strongly recommend talking to someone about what happened to you, so they can lead you through the old fear and beyond it. It's very hard to ignore the warnings that your brain has learned, if you don't get this out of your system and find ways to process the experience, so you can start to heal. The fact that you're still afraid ("when it comes down to it, I can't") means that you haven't had a chance to heal from the abuse because you've been keeping it a secret.
The person that you talk to probably shouldn't be your boyfriend in the first instance, because you don't know how he'll respond to the news. Most people are ignorant about child sex abuse and he could feel threatened by your history and say or do something that aggravates your problems.
I recommend that you start with the school counsellor, if not your folks. All you have to tell the counsellor is that you have something that you want to discuss anonymously, and ask for a referral to someone you can talk with.
I'm not saying that you can't forget what happened and carry on just fine, but having had the abuse happen to you makes it harder for you to enjoy sexual touch. If you can speak about it with someone who knows what you're feeling, and unlearn your fear responses, you'll be far better off in the long run. And when you've had a chance to come to terms with it, you can also tell your boyfriend as little or as much as you want to.
Finally, don't worry that you'll "lose" him, if you don't carry on with the sexual stuff. Any guy who'd walk out because you wouldn't let him get into your pants isn't worth a second thought anyway. Think about it: someone who only wants you for sex and would leave you if they didn't get it, doesn't care about you at all. So you wouldn't lose anything.
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