A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi,After trying for over a year to forgive my husband for his cheating and all that has come out during our sessions with relate i realise that my marriage was a sham,when i found out that he was having an affair it shattered me i would never have thought it nor would anyone else that knew us,but in a way i am glad that he was caught as i would never know that he had been unfaithful though out our marriage and the things i have found out makes me feel sick to my stoamach how could he lead a double life and me not know. My question is do you think I am wrong in staying with my husband until all the bills are clear and i have something to start a new life with, or should i leave and let him sort it all.If i just left i would have nothing apart from my clothes, i already gave up my job as he didnt want me to work anymore (just one way to control me)my feelings are more for pity now not love as he destroyed everything i thought we had,even our children who have now left home treat him differently and he has lost their respect,even though he says how sorry he is i dont believe any thing he says anymore.I am going day to day just excisting not going anywhere doing anything except wondering if he is at work or carrying on again behind my back,thinking how stupid i am for not knowing what he was doing all those years what a good liar he is(was as he puts it)how can i stay in this marriage anymore and where can i find the strength to think i deserve better,as my vows said for better or worse richer or poorer i have stuck to them but i am hurting more than he could know and i want to be happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): You can get a new job, update your CV and think about doing a local evening class to update any skills.... and I would leave him the bills don't let that stop you. You will feel surprisingly light without all the baggage - quite literally. You have had good advice and you need to get back a social life to kick start your confidence - once you start it will become addictive!!! and of course it means less time in the house chewing over the past. You need to do things to distract yourself. You can do this. One thing that really helped me was going Salsa dancing - average age of people there is 35 -50 and its wonderful to meet and circulate its not intimidating and you meet lots of very polite men who make you feel like a feminine woman - not a doormat. I think deep down you want to leave but he has ground you down so much you lack the will power and self belief. As you talk to new and motivating people you will build yourself back up and you will leave - it will just happen - like its the most natural decision. You will know the time. The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.
A
female
reader, WW_Oxford +, writes (2 April 2009):
Hi I'm realy sorry you are in this position. I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment. I've decided to work with him, through a therapist to sort out the marraiage. He's moved into his own place and still sees the other woman, but is trying hard to give her up. It's like a drug addiction for him. Sometimes 'tough love' works but that would probably make you both unhappy. I think you should take your time and think about what it is you both really want. You may find it's the same thing. It is for my husband and me. I've decided to work with him to help him give her up. It's not going to be easy, but when you've been married for a long time you will have more in common than you think. Like you, I married for better or worse and am willing to work not to get back my marriage, because, like yours, my husband was controlling etc. but to build up a different relationship that is better than you could ever have dreamt of. Trust is the biggest thing to go and the most difficult to get back. I found relate were not leading us anywhere. Our problems were too deep and the formula didn't work for us. We are trying a healing separation, not easy, but better than giving up straight away. A long marriage is worth fighting for! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): hi, i really feel for you, and in some respects iv been where you are, i asked the aunts on this site so many times for advice but i think what i was really looking for was clarification. i understand what you say about your vows but surely your husband has already broken them. You should think about what YOU want, make a decision and go with it, do you want to spend more years feeling hurt, unfortunatly if you choose to stay then you have to be able to forgive and trust him again, can you do this? But im going to tell you what i did maybe it will help you, i stayed where i was and built myself a life, met new friends and found interests, i found loads of confidence and realized that i could be happy but one thing was holding me back, my man.... take care xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): ma'am...im sorry for what you're experiencing...yes, you should let him get the bills straight, if it doesn't take years to get them straight...you're still fairly young and you do have time to start over...as you said you're children are gone...
you may not want to hear what i'm about to say but i'm the other woman to a man that IS'NT MARRIED, but in a long term relationship. his girlfriend knows about our affair and i assume she forgive him and thinks we no longer see each other...well this is untrue he's been seeing non stop every since she found out...im sharing this with you to let you know that these guys are dogs and unless your husband has called the woman in front of you and told her it was over...chances are it's probably not...sorry
im 28...the guy is 40...and his gf is 39...they have no kids together...been together 10yrs...it's been almost a year we've been seeing each other...
i feel if his longterm gf had of taught him a lesson by NOT letting him come right back to her within 48hrs of her finding out he may have changed his behavior...but i do understand the financial aspect...but she has a job also...at the same time i feel people have to just do what they have to do...some/most of the time everything is not going to be perfect...
i've also been cheated on before so i know what it feels like...in my situation my husband simply fell out of love with me and it took me nearly a year to get over that...no i don't want his gf to feel any pain...but im not the one committed to her...her man is...and if it wasn't me...it'd be someone else...if you have a whore for a man/husband...you have to ask yourself are you willing to accept that...
when i spoke with the gf her biggest thing was "I'm #1" this is all she really kept saying, which really hurt but at the same time when i looked at it from a different perspective, she can be #1 and deal with him for the long haul...i don't want that position...i do love him and think im in love with him...but just watching the way he does his so called gf...doesn't excite me to look forward to a long term relationship with him...
moreover...use him for all you can...sit down and ask yourself are you willing to deal with his cheating...if not leave him because now that you've took him back he assumes it's ok...you'll take him back again...go out there and get you something new...that will spoil and romance you!!!!
whoever he cheated with im sure never meant to hurt you personally...and just keep in mind that they can't make him have sex with them...yeah as the other woman i could have said no or cut if off...but i obviously chose not to...and so did he...i have tried so many times to leave him alone and have been unsuccessful...i've just put it in God's hands since i can't seem to do it on my own...
if your husband isn't sincere and remorseful (crying/begging) to the idea of rekindling your marriage...then it may be over...most people on here will tell you to try marriage counseling, therapist by yourself and/or together. But that's totally up to you...the fact of the matter is he's been cheating all throughout your marriage...you decide how you want to process that...your in you early 40's...don't let him have the rest of your years unless your sure he's doing nothing.
hope this helps...remember your safe in His(Lord Jesus) arms!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Oh, hun, I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I have been in your situation before and know this feeling all too well. The lies and cheating is very hard to get over. It's time to stop worrying and thinking about what he is doing, because he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. Why care about his?
With him leading a double life, he was bound to be found out sooner or later. Sorry but you can't juggle women. Who knows what reasons the men who do this do it for.
Your self-esteem has been stripped away and you need to get it back, take control of your OWN life and your OWN destiny here. Stop waiting around for him to be faithful and stop his lying, cause it will never happen.
Get involved in social activities in your area and try to find ways to boost your self-esteem and get your life together. Making yourself a stronger person without him will make it easier to walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Well of course you have the right to pursue happiness. Staying or leaving is completely up to you. In a way, now you have all the control as far as the relationship goes. You are not stupid either, he just was a very good liar. Not to mention i'm sure you loved him and that will blind sometimes. It sounds as though you are looking for reasons to stay even though you know you shouldn't. You want to believe he has changed but you can't. He may have stopped for now, but he will probably start up again as soon as things calm down. And you will always be wondering too. So, get what you need to get from him and leave. Go find your happiness with someone who wants to give it to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Well, I've been through this before and my thoughts are that everyone deserves another chance. But, please don't let him have control over what and when you do something. Also, you may have forgave him and that is great, but don't let your guard down. Be careful!! Most of the time if they do it once they may think they can get away with it again.
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