A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm the kind of girl who likes the occasional night out to celebrate something. However my boyfriend is a party animal and it seems he would binge drink into the early hours quite often. Does this say something about his personality/values or am I overthinking it? Should I just grin and bear it or are we incompatible? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): He's an alcoholic. I did binge drinking throughout university and single life. After I married it got to where I would hide a bottle of scotch from my wife and drink weekends and after work. I was a "functional" alcoholic. I could work and sort of take care of family life, but I did have incidents -- accidents and a dui. After my wife left me I got help.
Do not grin and bear it! Until he admits he has a problem he'll just get worse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): He has a drinking problem. Binge-drinking until wee hours is dangerous and leads to alcoholism. If he calls-in sick to work, misses classes; and/or spends most of his weekend nursing a hangover, and can't seems to stop. He already has a serous problem.
It's a red-flag! Party-animal is not a complimentary term!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): You've already had some great advice from the lovely agony aunts here. All I can add is a huge NO you are not over-thinking it. At around your age, I got involved with a binge drinker and it absolutely ruined my life. I got caught up in it (having been sober when I met him) and it makes for a roller coaster - they can be so lovely and vulnerable when they are hungover (for the two days or so that it takes to recover) and you can get a very misleading, strong sense of them loving you. This is like 'nothing else' because the need that they have, at those times, is so very intense that it makes you feel like their love for you is out of this world. I can 100% guarantee you are taking yourself for a fool if you believe this, but I totally understand why you will - broken, vulnerable and passionate men who are hungover after a binge are oddly sexy when you are the kind of woman who is looking for an escape from boring, controlling men. I know all the highs and lows and I really do feel for you. Please, please get out now. It will rob you of your life. I am honestly the strongest woman I know and it nearly killed me dealing with this kind of relationship and ruined my chances of being in a stable, loving relationship.Maybe it would help you to think that, when you ask if you are over-thinking your responses to him, you may be prone to doubting yourself and your values. Instead of focusing on what he does, focus on why you doubt yourself. Look to earlier experience that may have caused you to lack confidence in yourself and your future potential. I had an abusive relationship with my mother, didn't know what genuine love felt like, and so I got pulled in very easily because I doubted my 'gut' feelings, just like you are doing now - my gut kept sending so many signals, but I'd been made to feel worthless by my own mother, so I 'rationalised' what he was doing. I have a PhD and I am a very intelligent woman - but I am saying that this kind of emotional "pull" can cross all logic sometimes, if you let it, because what you are looking for is a sense of being loved unconditionally.You won't find it with this guy. Please leave him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): Hi, fellow Brit here!The situation is very dependent on more factors. For example, when you say he's a 'party animal' how often does he party? What is your idea of 'occasional?'Thing is, in the UK, going for a drink or two most evenings isn't unusual and that, alone, isn't something to worry about. The British social scene is at the pubs and bars.If he is having big nights out more than weekly and can't go out without getting blind drunk, then he has a drinking problem- or at least that's the way he's headed. You can offer to help him if you want to and if he's willing to listen. If not, this is likely to be the sort of person he'll be forever- if not worse.But the real thing is, if you're not happy with him doing this, you can't/shouldn't change him to meet your demands and requirements, that will only backfire further down the line.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 July 2018):
 Do you WANT to date an alcoholic?
Someone who seems to lack control when it comes to drinking?
How often is "quite often" ?
How bad is "binge drinking"?
Personally, I would find anyone who drinks (or do drugs) in excess someone not compatible to me.
While he might still be at the age where having fun with friends revolve around drinking... some just never seem to stop that behavior and grow up.
Does it say something about his personality/values?
That is hard to say. It does say something about his group of friends, maybe even family background and... his maturity level.
What do YOU get out of dating him?
Do you two DO anything together on days off/weekends that doesn't involve drinking?
What do you two have in common?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2018):
 Party animals and serious relationships are not compatible. We only have 24 hours a day. He has very little time for you, sober or not. I would not bear it. Binge drinking affects the liver and the brain, and can have long term consequences and cause irreparable damage.
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