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Am I obsessed with my university lecturer?

Tagged as: Age differences, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 February 2008) 15 Answers - (Newest, 20 June 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *ilacpilgrim writes:

I'm worried that I may be obsessed with one of my lecturers at uni. He's incredibly interesting and despite the fact that he's extremely terrifying, he's so passionate and intelligent. I find myself looking him up in my free time and with desire to read his research papers, just to see his name. More than once or twice I've loitered around the floor where he conducts most of his research work, whether he's in or not. I think about him all the time and find myself dreaming about him. If I see him at all during a day I get butterflies and feel like I might throw up. I know way too much about him than is comfortable.

Am I obsessed? What can I do to stop thinking about him? Am I insane? What's wrong with me?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012):

I am tired of people trying to justify teacher/student "crushes" like they are a result of a student, ugh, "lacking" something. I have noticed that many people seem to believe that it is a result of young women "searching for a father figure" like they are wounded baby birds or something. I am sure that many young women who have strong feelings for their professors/teachers will agree with me. Consider that people generally fall for people when they share a lot in common, have a good personality, and they are attractive. This is no different within the student/teacher relationship. I agree that sometimes the fathering/acceptance does definately play a part in it, but it is wrong to generalise it this way. I am in love with my teacher. We have wonderful conversations and share a lot in common. He is 15 years older than me. He is the most beautiful man I have ever laid my eyes on. It has nothing to do with looks, he isn't THAT attractive physically, but his personality makes him beautiful to me. I believe he is married, and this hurts me, but I still cannot seem to shake my feelings for him. I see him each day and I get butterflies. When he is around I feel like I am in the presence of someone so amazing. I am so happy to see his face. I think about him all the time. I dream about him at night. I have a lot going for me in my own life and I am very happy with myself as a person, so it has nothing to do with needing someone else, but I have never seen or felt such strong feelings for a man in my life. I am in my early twenties and I love the fact that he is a man with direction and a career, not a boy. I needed to express all of this. Do not tell me it is just a "crush". I am not a teenage high school student - I am a young woman. This is love, and I do not care what anyone says. I hope all of you out there who feel the same way are able to deal with your feelings and be happy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010):

am a first year lecturer, and i was really divided between opinions, which leads to my search for this topic.Being obsessed cld be dangerous if its for the wrong reasons.Going all out to tel him if he is not intrested cld spell shame on your own part. Allow time to be the jugde.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009):

I am a University Professor (honestly). This kind of thing happens all the time and it is usually quite obvious. It happens to me on a fairly frequent basis and when I was younger I found it quite flattering but I soon realized it had almost nothing to do with my qualities. It is a fantasy triggered by the teacher/student power dynamic. The teacher is merely in the right place to have the student's fantasies projected on to him (it is usually a male teacher) and is 'standing in' for somebody else - often a father figure. It is very important for the student to realize this and never act on it.

A mature professor who would 'get off' on being an object of desire to a student is a rather pathetic figure and not at all worthy of the admiration he inspires.

If what you feel is love then it probably isn't actually for this man & if you did have a relationship you would almost certainly be sorely disappointed by his inability to live up to your fantasy of him.

So enjoy it for what it is - a fantasy but please don't confuse it for reality.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009):

Hi,

I have a boyfriend that I have been with for 3 years, but I think I am falling for my dissertation supervisor. I can't stop thinking about him. I dont know if he's single or not. I'm about to graduate, and I would make a move if I knew. I think he likes me too. I think I love him but I dont want to hurt my boyfriend.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009):

When reading this post, I started to wonder if i had wrote this myself a few months back. I feel exactly the same about my lecturer and do exactly the same things as you do. I've recently realised trying to get with him is the wrong idea, due to his career. I am in the process of trying to get over this man. Knowing he is single really doesn't help the matter.

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A female reader, sassymouse United Kingdom +, writes (9 May 2008):

sassymouse agony auntI feel the same!! I am beginning to think i am actually obsessed too. i've liked one of my uni lecturers for about 8 months and i am constantly thinking about him, reading what he's written in books and journals, gazing out of the library window at his office, trying to "bump" into him, emailing him for help and setting up meetings with him. I went on a fieldtrip with him, and found out hes married with a kid (at 35) hes been with her for 17 years. i get on well with him, although, again he has geeky tendencies but i think hes so sweet! my friends say theyve seen him staring at me but im not sure what to do! i dont know whether to make a move or not...what do you think? like you, i admire him as a person and as a writer, hes amazingly intelligent, yet modest and funny. i try to impress him with my essays and i think im doing ok, i just dont want to seem like a stalker. i realise he has commitments, but if you dont try youll never know hm?! xxx

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A female reader, BeckyStar United Kingdom +, writes (6 May 2008):

BeckyStar agony auntYou're not insane. I understand how you feel hun. I feel the same way about one of my lecturers. It hurts, but we can't do anything about it! I hope you feel better soon.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

Hmmm, the same thing occured to me and was a complete shock especially since I'm not really attracted to guys. I could hardly wait for class! My prof wasn't much of a looker but he was very sweet, intelligent, mature, showed a genuine interest in my academic future and frequently went out of his way to speak with me after class. We joked around alot but nothing more came of it. Alas, I graduated this year and he's not much of an emailer so this is the end of it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008):

I also have this problem, and I am also wondering if it is obsession or simple infatuation. My professor is a very sweet, funny, and interesting guy, is single, and the age gap is not so very big. We genuinely enjoy each-others company, and we have a very comfortable friendship growing. However, my university also has a no-dating policy, and some people think it is inappropriate that I walk his dog when he is out of town, as innocent as that is.

The reason I have wondered if I'm obsessed is that when I'm not with him, I think about being with him. When I see or hear something interesting or funny, my first thought is to wonder what he would think about it. I constantly find myself day-dreaming about our potential life together, and I try to be honest with myself about how it would really be - right before I realize how weird it is to consider it. I know that nothing could ever happen between us, but it's so hard to snuff out the little glimmer of hope that leaps to life each and every time he smiles at me, or as we sit, having our daily random conversation(s) about nothing in particular.

I wish you the best of luck with your crush, and I hope that maybe seeing my situatuation can help to put yours into perspective. Also, if anyone would like to give me any advice on my own little infatuation, I would appreciate it. :-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

OMG .. I have the same problem and do the exact same thing. I always look at his papers, hang around by his office just so I can see him, I think and talk about him all the time! He's not so intense like your lecturer sounds. He's really friendly and smart and funny. He has some major nerdy tendencies but I find it to be so cute! Just everything about him is amazing .. I get butterflies whenever I see him and then panic and run in the opposite direction. :)

I'm glad someone is going through the same thing - it makes me feel better! (Sorry if that sounds mean, I just mean that I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this situation.)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008):

You've probably just fallen for him. You admire his passion and intelligence. It sounds like you genuinely find him attractive and interesting and these are all normal feelings. Maybe there is an element of it being a crush but it sounds like you admire him rather than just fancy him. I'm not sure that big age gaps are a good idea. Do you see him as a bit of a father figure possibly? Lots of univ students do fancy or admire their lecturers. Unfortunately I don't think he is a in position to reciprocate because of his job.

He may already have a partner/wife. I'm not exactly sure whether you feel in love or are having a crush, or a mixture of those things or whether you are attracted to his position and knowledge but I am sure that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not weird or obsessed or anything like that. You are a normal healthy female with normal desires and attractions so don't beat yourself up. You sound like you are attracted to intelligent, passionate men, which is fine. In this case you probably won't be able to do anything about it because of his position. I know it is hard but try to distract yourself from him as much as possible, look at other guys around your own age etc .. Not sure if this is helpful but just some thoughts ... xx

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A female reader, lilacpilgrim United Kingdom +, writes (18 February 2008):

lilacpilgrim is verified as being by the original poster of the question

lilacpilgrim agony auntmm2u, thanks for your answer, it's extremely positive, something I haven't been able to be.

I wouldn't start anything up. As weird as it sounds, I care about him enough to know that he's passionate about his career, and he'd be crushed if he were to lose it. I couldn't let that happen.

I don't know, I can never be positive! XD I mean how can I? I love a man I can never be with - the age gap is admittedly massive and I wouldn't want to ruin his career, and on top of all that, while kind and approachable, he can be awfully harsh when he's in a mood and comes across as intensely frightening during lectures. So why do I like him so much??

(I'm sorry to keep going on like this. I find it hard to let things go.)

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (18 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou could be infatuated with your Uni lecturer and you have not come to the obsessive stage yet.

You can Google that word 'Infatuations' and read all about it online.

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A female reader, faith_believe_love Korea - Republic of +, writes (18 February 2008):

faith_believe_love agony aunthi,.. No your not obsessed with him if you start stalking him then i can say you are but your not and absolutely your not insane, its totally normal for us to feel this just like what your feeling now. Everybody comes to a point where they feel what you were feelin' just like me i experienced this when i was in high school. I can say that forgetting him is hard to do 'coz i think he was the first man who made you feel this way. Maybe it'll take a month to get rid of this feeling or even a year It depends upon you. God Bless!

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A male reader, mm2u United Kingdom +, writes (18 February 2008):

Your not insane dear.

Its love.

its a normal occurance. Age doesnt matter, but before you start anything up, you should consider that his career may be on the line as Teachers (even in Uni) arent allowed to date Pupils. Your now obbsessed either, its love, and seen as you havent told him or speak about his personal life with him, your sure to look him up.

There is nothing wrong with you! Try rephrasing your sentences, as you seem to use Negative Words a lot, try using insted of "Whats wrong with me" use, "Could there be something wrong with me".

If you use more positive words and rephrase your sentences, it is garunteeds to make you feel better. (this is a simple CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)

Hope my answer helped you, please rate it!

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