A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We live together in my home and have children from previous relationships. He is still married and trying to get custody of his children. The children live here 1 week and at their mother's for another week. I find this to be very unstable for our household. Lately I have been getting very frustrated with everything. Basically I feel like giving up this relationship. He is very aggressive with disciplining his children, I am not with my child. He sits at home all the time, doesn't take them anywhere. He has a negative frame of mind, and I just feel like I can't tolerate it anymore. I have finally expressed all my grief with him, and I am feeling as though I am the bad guy... I don't know how to go about deciding what I want for myself and my child. I don't know how to decide if this is the right relationship for me. I feel as though I have made up my mind, but I don't know if I'm making a decision based on rationality or if I'm just looking at it negatively because I'm fed up. He said he is willing to change, but do I give him the benefit of the doubt? I am completely confused and don't know how to go about making the right decision... Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, taina1980  +, writes (13 September 2009):
Your husband sounds like hes depressed. He needs some zoloft & some therapy.
A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (13 September 2009):
 Maybe I will be putting things into my answer that were not called for.. But if this man is still married - is he just using you? He has a pretty safe sanctuary living in your home. Is he helping out financially? He is agressive with disciplining his children and doesn't take them places.. How bad could the mother be that he is trying to take them from.. How does he treat you?? Maybe the reason for all of this is so you can show him how to treat his children, with your manner - and the way that you raise your child .. And in the back of your mind, if you continue to feel this way - you may need to work in the direction of weaning him: Getting him out of there..
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A
female
reader, britt429 +, writes (13 September 2009):
 Anyone can say that they are willing to change...the evidence is in their actions! We have all heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words!" It's absolutely true! If he is willing to change, then, you should see some action!
If you don't feel comfortable with this environment for your child, then maybe you should get out of it.
Trust your gut and act accordingly!
Good Luck and Best Wishes
~Britt~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): Probably the most important thing people have to do before they have children is to decide on how they want them brought up. It's a very difficult thing when they're you own children. It's intensely more difficult when you blend families. And the fact is that it's incredibly difficult to make a relationship when both partners have ex partners and custody issues. Just where do the children come in to the mix with all that other stuff?
Personally I think that the children have to come first.
You're uncomfortable with an 'unstable' household, and you're thinking that his parenting style is incompatable with yours. You are the advocate for your child. He's parenting the way he knows best. If it doesn't work for your child, then the relationship isn't for you.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (13 September 2009):
 He is still married and you have been with him two years?
Why is he not divorced yet?
I think there is no structure or stability here, if he is still married he may well be taking the lazy attitude of if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't! i think that is why he seems stuck in a rut!
His aggressiveness is a sign that something else underline is eating at him and he takes this out through the discipline of his children, we can discipline children without aggression so he needs to find the reasons why he is so angry.
His negative frame of mind also tells me he is not a happy man! could it be he is depressed in some way through all of this?
Either way it does not sound an ideal situation, nor a healthy one for you and your child, and only you can decide what is best for both of you.
If you have expressed your grief with him and you feel he is still not listening then sometimes we need to take another approach.
I think if you had more security and support from him this would help and maybe the first thing to go forward here is his divorce.
Gina
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