A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a boyfriend for over two years now, we see each other on weekends he stays with me, I am a single mum of two, he has never had any experience with kids before and is trying hard though my eldest son likes him he find it hard to bond with him as he is not the kiddie type. he is a really lovely guy and treats us all with respect but he does nothing, he works and I dont and has never offered to take us out and basically our weekend consists of sitting in front of tv day and night for whole weekend and i find it boring and kids just end up playing in their rooms. I have to initiate all activities. sometimes he comes with us but he doesnt have fun. he is a very serious guy and I feel it to be draining. I talked with him but we argue and he feels like i am blaming him and responds with what do you do for me. i feel like i am the one entertaining crack jokes initiating things to do. but he never makes me laugh ever!! But I do love him and he is first guy that treats me respectfully had bad past. but i need more excitement and for the kids too. am I wasting time. he is very self obsessed with his weight training. likes to spend money on his self but never me or kids. is it a lost cause?
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female
reader, pwincessestella +, writes (15 July 2010):
i just broke up with the father of my child and am a single mother now for the same reasons your going through
he didnt want to go out as a family and have fun instead all we did was spend the whole day inn watching television ..
and thats when i realised i was going to regret this in 20years if i didnt leave because i wasnt gonna have nothing to look back on instead a boring 20years
just imagine u spend 20yrs with this man and your in your dying bed do you wanna be laying there full of regrets or filled with so many great memories ..
ur worth more once you learn to love yourself first
you will learn !!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Dear DrPsych,
The line in your reponse where you cited " there is a difference in settling for Mr. Safe, v.s. having the partner you really want." I never thought if a relationship in that manner, but that seemed to hit a cord within me. WOW!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I don't think you do love him by the way you write about him. I think you have talked yourself into thinking it is love because he doesn't treat you that badly given your past. There is a difference between settling for Mr Safe boyfriend and getting the sort of partner you want. I use the word partner because that seems to be what you want - someone actively involved in your family and acting as a step father. That is no bad thing either. As it happens what you got is a boyfriend who likes spending time with you on the cheap (i.e. sat on the sofa), and puts up with your children to some degree as part of the package. I don't think he ought to feel obliged to spend all his money on you and your family as you are just dating. But it is telling that he never spends money on anyone in your family. If he is frugal then it could really get in the way of your future together...it could be a problem if he moved in and then didn't help out financially. I think he doesn't spend on family days out because he sees himself as your boyfriend, rather than a partner. The situation has developed to sitting on the sofa because you have let things slip into this for the sake of a safe relationship. It is probably going to drive you crackers in the long run. There is no reason why you shouldn't want exciting times, and if he is Mr Dull the resentment will start to seep in (I think it sounds like that is happening now). If you were to live together or get married it may cause problems that he has not bonded with your children as you would hope. I think they have a right to a happy life, especially if your past relationships have been traumatic. You, as a woman (not as their mum), also need someone who makes you really happy - if you are not happy now, how can you be in the future? If you just want him as a boyfriend it maybe ok, but it sounds like you want something more serious and supportive in your life. If this is the case you have to accept this relationship is not the one for you long-term. I think you need to talk to him about your expectations and aspirations for your future together. If he is not prepared to change drastically for the sake of his love for you, he should be abandoned as you exclude yourself from meeting Mr Right if you stay with Mr Safe. Good luck!
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