A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am 37, 2 kids, recently divorced, fairly attractive, some men say very hot. My problem is that men get attracted though the ones I like haven't stayed. One fell for me at an office meal and after he bedded me, realised I was more senior and falling for him; he cut himself off. He was clear upfront he only wNted sex but I kinda started to fall for him. Next one met me on a dating site and we are ethnically seeing each other and I sometimes am on the verge of saying 'i love you' to him. He runs his own business and when he meets me he is all mine for the 2-3 hours but then sometimes he won't be in touch for 2-3 days. Chats very little and I just don't get it; though I have never said anything to him. Is that how steady relations work? Is is normal, or am I to cut this one off too coz I do love this guy but he just doesn't realise or care. On my birthday all I got was a what's app message wishing me, and of course then he said he had a robbery that day and got busy which I do believe coz he's still reeling through the setback. Please help, am I Gojng for the wrong men, should I tell him I love him? How do I get men I like to like me back?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I can't tell you how insightful this is. I am more than attractive; very successful career wise, I love having fun but often caught between work and the kids so fun for me is usually time with the children. Though out the marriage I was made out to be the ugly partner and since I've been single I haven't stopped getting compliments such as pretty/hot and maybe that's a reason I've put myself down to just that; it's very new to me. I did think putting out will help hold back the people I have liked but this is an eye opener and will change me for the better. I do love this guy 2, but days go by when he doesn't even say hello; I mean I'm not saying chat all day but 2-3 days and no response to my good morning and good nights; that can't be going steady? I'm single with the kids in a new city and he doesn't care to check if I'm fine, it's like an on and off relationship. And after what I've just come out of including abuse and neglect, I don't want to sign up for this. Thanks guys. You're all stars.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 You ask: "Is that how steady relations work?"
No... it's not. BUT it's how "opportunists taking advantage of a woman who throws herself at them" works.
Don't be so quick to be intimate with men..... We have very short attention and "novelty" spans.... and are quick to move on to our next (potential) conquest.... never giving much care to who, or what, we leave in our wake...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): Hotness unfortunately never becomes a criteria for finding a partner. Sex yes, who wouldn't want to sleep with someone not bad looking but as far as long term relationship hotness plays an insignificant role. We stop noticing someone appearance very fast. If a person has no suiting us personality he won't stay doesn't matter how hot this person is.Physical attraction Of course is very important, but attraction can be based on many personality traits.
For your sake don't sleep with them until you know that this guy is what you wan to have relationship with. It might not work, but at least you would know you did your best. If a guy is aft sex only it doesn't matter how soon or late you sleep with him he will not stay anyway, also he is not going to stick around waiting for you to give it out if he is only there for sex, but at least by not going into sex right away you will know that he was the wrong guy or the right one.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (28 September 2014):
 If you're after more than sex, then men who are upfront about wanting ONLY sex are the wrong men for you. In most cases you are not going to win this type of man over by sleeping with him, because once you do that he is effectively getting the only thing he wanted from the liaison in the first place. Holding out on sex won't keep this kind of man around either; he'll just get tired of trying to woo you when all he wants is a roll in the hay, and he'll move on to another woman who WILL put out.
So the first man you describe? Yes, he was definitely the wrong man for you. But that should have been apparent from the beginning. "I only want sex" means exactly that.
The second guy doesn't sound like a bad guy. He does, however, sound like a guy who prefers communication in person to texts and e-mails. My partner of two years is the same way. If I had nixed a relationship with him because he didn't text often enough for my liking I'd have missed out on the best person I have ever known. To give you an example, I was out of my home state for four months this summer and although we LIVE together when I'm not traveling I can count on one hand the times he initiated a conversation via call or text. This did not bother or offend me at all, because I KNOW my partner and I know he's like that with everyone, even his immediate family. He prefers face-to-face conversations with absolutely everyone because he says they feel more genuine to him.
You say guy #2 is "all yours" in person, so I can't help thinking he may be the same way - wanting to connect with a live person and not a phone or a computer screen. If you can look past this "flaw" (that really isn't one), guy #2 may be terrific for you. Give your dates with him a chance to progress. I know you wish he'd have done more to recognize your birthday, but as someone who has been the victim of a burglary in which my purse and personal information was stolen, I can only imagine how much more difficult a time he must be having in the wake of having his business robbed. I don't own a business (that I'd still have to run in the meantime), I had no valuable property stolen, and clearing up the situation with my bank, credit card company and the police still took me the better part of a month. The entire process is stressful, invasive and time-consuming to say the least. It is fair to say that that month of my life was ruined.
That said, DON'T tell guy #2 that you love him. If you're already feeling like he may be another "wrong" guy for you, I don't know that "love" is an honest evaluation of your feelings. There's no rush here that I can see, so take your time and get to know him as a person to the point where you don't have to doubt whether or not he is serious about you. Then, if you like what you've found, make your feelings known.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): You've described yourself as attractive and hot.
You didn't mention any endearing character traits or personality quirks or career /educational achievements.
In my opion that is the problem;you are looking at the world through a superficial lens.
When you shift your focus to more substantial qualities you will attract more grounded men who aren't just looking for a tumble in the hay with a hot milf.
Don't get me wrong. Confidence is sexy. Just make sure 'hot' is not your key quality or at least not the key quality you advertise. Hot gets boring very quickly! Funny personality however, or kindness -they never get old.
I wish you love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): No, my dear, you're not going for the wrong men. You're accidentally stepping in dating doo-doo. That's what one of my girlfriends calls guys who've been out there a longtime; and they've been through the digestive tract of some pretty awful females. They're the waste-product of some bad dating habits and wild theories they've concocted in their own heads about women as a result. That's all.
They are spoiled by the internet and have too much to choose from. They've read a lot of trash articles and listened to bunk in the locker-room. Their minds are full of myths, and distorted notions about relationships. Many have been victims of over-zealous wannabee brides, who will latch on to a guy with a hot physique, good job, and sports car like a tick or tapeworm. She will go through his money, snoop through his phone, and key his car for looking cross-eyed at a chick the distance of a football field away.
Or, that she thought he was looking at!
It's not you. It's them. The guys are a hot mess. The online-dating isn't helping. They have too much selection and don't know how to deal with it. You have to read between the lines sister. Guys don't offer you much information, but if you hear the words "my ex"...there you have it. Pick up your dolls and dishes, and head for the nearest exit.
I'm a gay man. I got the dirt and the goods from both sides of the fence. I've dated both men and women.
Yes, I used to date and have sex with women. I didn't change teams, I just accepted who I really am. Please don't think gay men are a waste, where women are concerned; just cuz some of us are hot. We have stories to tell you. We don't want most of what we get either. We'd rather they were straight!
Many guys who would normally be more suitable boyfriend material, get too much available sex. They're like a kid in a candy store; and they feel like they're missing something if they let themselves get too involved emotionally, or committed. The possibility of so much variety has gone to their heads. (Both the large and smaller one!}
They/we quickly go for the sex; but avoid lingering in complicated relationships (.i.e recent divorcees, recently dumped, struggling single moms, and psychos); and dodge women who show too much intelligence, strength, and confidence. She's not likely to take his sh*t. He might fall for her, but he doesn't like knowing she has the upper-hand (financially and intellectually); all combined with control over his feelings. He's afraid of being whipped, snared, or hogtied. The stronger ladies don't take crap, and will toss him out on his ass. That's a very nasty blow to a guy's ego. So they make sure they don't hang around too long, if they sense she's more deserving of someone better than he is. Some of us have a real conscience. I had this really great guy. Had lots of money, he was fantastic as a person. Had a really dark-side. He dumped me because, and I quote: " you deserve someone better than me. You're really a nice guy, and you can really do better." That doesn't sound like a compliment;
when you've been blindsided and left by the road like roadkill. I found somebody better!!! I gave him credit for exercising my heart muscle, and reawakening feelings gone dormant after my partner died. Now I'm prepared for someone better!
Don't give-up. There are plenty of men with solid character and a strong sense of responsibility. Some great guys are on their way to you. He/they got sidelined along the way. They're busy being worked-over by lady-psychos who get first-dibs. So in the meantime; they're being turned into traumatized drones. It's only a temporary condition, we shake it off. It's like basic-training. See, we all have to go through bad relationships in order to be conditioned and prepared for the best to come. You need to learn things, grow, gain experience, and be tweaked. So you'll be wise enough to realize when you've got a good thing.
You have to know the difference, or you'll be fooled again and again. They have to sow wild oats, and get it out of their systems. In order to realize, it looks better on the outside looking in. I had a great dad and a lot of good male role-models. It gave me a better edge. My longest relationship lasted nearly 30 years. He died. I met someone back in April. We're going out later; so you're my last post response for the evening. I've got to get ready. Then out to dinner and a movie. He's a great guy!
So you have to listen very carefully when a guy tells you about his last relationship. It's okay to date during his recovery period, but you have to lookout for being a rebound lover. Anyone can be in that state of mind, yourself included. Timing is important. Just be prepared to meet a lot of flaky types on the internet. You might get lucky when they realize what they've got.
If you've got to have all your ducks in a row, don't allow yourself to fall for guys too quickly, and be patient. You'll find the right guy. Please allow yourself to have a few short-lived connections. Allow gaps in-between dates. This is not a lull, but time when you need to revamp and do self-improvement. You can't be on a manhunt or a mission. You'll end-up spreading yourself too thin; and/or becoming jaded and cynical from frustration. These are words of wisdom, so listen-up girlfriend.
You can't expect every nice guy you meet to be a long-termer or a keeper. Don't judge a book by his hot exterior, or big uh-hum!!! Stay in the present, and don't start looking for your next husband. That happens by chance. Allow yourself some variety, but always being careful of who you expose your life and kids to. Which I'm sure you are, just had to throw that in for good measure.
I just gave you a cheat-sheet. Good luck!
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