A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was really great friends with this guy i work with and then his wife had a miscarriage.2 months later he text me while we were out to tell me he had feelings for me, that he loved me.I told him I thought he was just having a bad time right now and that he wud work things out with his wife and he didnt mean what he was saying...he sent me emails and texts and we saw each other at work, he was so sweet and eventually i caved... 4 months later i had fallen in love with him, he was talking about divorce papers etc and i thought i cud be with him...Then his wifes parents called him and said she was having a bad time and over xmas i went away, when i got back his ring was on his finger.. he said this was because people had asked questions.. and he wasnt ready to tell people at work yet. because he was ashamed..we broke up numerous times but got back together, the last few months were because he told his family about me and because im white and he is indian they had a problem with me...10 months on and his wife got in a car accident and everything changed... he said he realised he had never let her go... i just didnt know what to do.. i go so upset and i got really ill..he said he needed to go abck to her and give it one last try so i said ok.. he only went to visit her that one time.. and he was seeing me everyday and he said he wanted me to give him time to decide what to do because he loved us both... and he didnt wanna lose me either...he just went to see her to tell her what happened with me, she said she doesnt wanna know who i am and that she understood why he did it...currently they both agreed to spend time thinking about what to do..i said where does this leave me and he said he just doesnt know but he thinks we need to take space so i dont get hurt until he knows whats going to happen, he said he needs to know if he can live without me before he decides..i just dont know what to do, i see him everyday at work like we work together in the same corridor and sometimes on the same work... i love him so much and i am pretty sure he must love me or else he wud walk away (we dont have sex all the time or anything so i know its not just about sex), but im confused.. if u love someone then why is it so hard..he said to me that if it wasnt for his family then he would wanna be with me 100% and it hurts to know that its my skin colour going against me.. how can i compete with his indian wife who he says he could live without... ie he was a year seperated and he didnt miss her but he cant go 2 days without speaking to me sometimes..if i give him the space he wants will i lose him? If i dont will I lose him?I really love him and i just dont know what to do, part of me feels cheated... i never asked for any of this and yet im sat here hurt... i know its not easy for him either but he has to decide between 2 women, and im one of them! Its horrible feeling like the other woman when im just not that kind of person, my last relationship my bf cheated on me and it totally screwed me up and i stayed single for years because of it... i really cant take the hurt but i love him and i dont want to lose him!Am I being totally ridiculous to think I even stand a chance of having a future with him? We have the most amazing connection!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (21 July 2008):
Well you need to give him space to sort his head out. He's never going to leave her while he has you on the side.
Tell him that you are in love with him but don't want contact with him again until he is ready to commit to you and has left his wife.
Once you have seen divorce papers then you can get together. Until then, stay strong and keep your distance. Don't talk to him on the phone and avoid him at work. If he truly can't live without you then he'll get on and divorce his wife.
Good Luck!! xx
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