A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. He had a messy break up with his ex when him and I started dating. This ex of his caused both of us a lot of trouble. I felt especially affected by this because she would go around saying very negative things about me to mutual friends, and even to complete strangers - to the strangers she said I stole her boyfriend and tried to break up her friendships, so I can't begin to imagine what she said to people we both know and are in our social circles. She said all this and more when in actual fact, I never had a conversation with her, and we have only two or three mutual friends. Basically, she didn't take the break up well at all. Now naturally, I developed a very strong dislike towards her, and general lack of respect for her. A year and a half later, this ex (after having spent some months outside the country - we all go to the same college), comes back and talks to my boyfriend about letting bygones be bygones, and how it's time for them to move on, because they can't possibly still have hostility and take the same classes together. My boyfriend, being the kind-hearted person that he is, and having told me that he had no feelings towards her whatsoever, not even negative ones, agreed to this proposal of hers. This happened in my absence. He only told me about it after it happened. I was infuriated. I felt this showed a lot of disrespect for me because I was not part of this 'moving on' or 'closure' process, especially because I was harmed along the way. I expressed how I felt about this, and he just would not understand my point of view. He still to this day does not see it. And what frustrates me more is that he said that she had the maturity and guts to go talk to him and say what she said. In my opinion, that was a cheap move. I deserve an apology, not that I want one from her. But I don't like that my boyfriend thinks I'm overreacting by being upset with this, and that I should just move on. Now not only am I upset that I was totally left out of this whole deal, but I feel my boyfriend thinks I'm being petty. WHAT DO I DO? I want to forget about this person who has caused me a lot of stress. But I want my boyfriend to understand where I'm coming from and not criticize me for it. PS my boyfriend and I almost never fight. We have a very healthy relationship. This is the ONE thing that drives me crazy. And I hate being judged by it. What do I do?
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female
reader, AbigailBradbury  +, writes (22 January 2012):
 i have been in this situation before and hun just remember, she's an ex for a reason! I'd just drop it before you lose him babe. I know it's frustrating that he didn't turn to you first, but what's the worst that could happen. At the end of the day if he ended up like.. seeing her again properly, you'd dump him right? And it'd be his loss.
Just take each day at a time
life is too short to be worrying about crappy exes :) xxx
A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (5 January 2012):
 If you REALLY want an apology, I think instead of overreacting and getting mad that you didn't get an apology too, which is a little petty, you should go to her and say something like "I'm sorry it seemed like I stole (boyfriend's name) from you before, and I'm glad you two can put all that stuff behind you"
And you can add "I hope you find someone nice too" or something that's warm and kind, because then she'll feel bad for saying mean things about you. Then you'll probably get your apology.
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (4 January 2012):
 You sound very double sided, you just want her to be gone, and to forget about it, on the other side your infuriated that you were not brought to the table for these moving on talks, look, sounds like she got dumped for you, or something to that effect, she was way hurt, enraged, and jealous, she was acting out of spite, and pain, and clearly way to hurt to make rational decisions, now she has (had to leave country)gotten herself healed, excepted it, and feels bad for the way she acted towards someone she loved and cared about, I think its a very brave move and one that wasn't necessary on her part, she didn't have to try and make nice with him, why does she owe you anything? you took her boyfriend from her, if your seriously looking for an apology from her, you will be waiting a long long time, and I promise if you keep harping on him, and starting fights about it, you may soon know what it's like to be in her position, just drop it, and move on with life!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 You say the messy breakup happened when you and he started dating.
That indicates to me he left her for you,or that she wasn't given a lot of time to go through the process of accepting her relationship was over before she saw him with a new girlfriend.
As for the 'deal' you have been left out of, this deal is between an ex boyfriend and an ex girlfriend, former partners are cleaning up the mess their breakup caused.
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