A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a 5 year relationship with a very kind loving man.im 23, hes 25.iv started having feelings for a friend, hes 30.i know he feels the same 4 me, but am i being foolish throwing away 5 years..im jus not sure about my feelings for my boyfriend anymore.. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CaliGurl  +, writes (15 January 2008):
Just make sure that these feelings you are having for the other man are not just an intense crush. Think about whether you really love your guy because only you can answer that. Also remember that if you decide to remain with him, crushes do fade.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 There's something you might want to know about our biology that could change how you think about this...
It's very normal to have the feelings you're having. In fact, it's actually by design! What you are feeling is what you are supposed to be feeling. Although, it's because of a mistake! I'll try to explain...
Humans are programmed to fall out of love with each other after a couple of years if they don't have children.
Picture this situation (in any time before the 20th century): two people fall in love and become a couple. They start having regular sex. This goes on for several years, but they have no children.
Since they're having regular sex, but having no children, something must be wrong! One or the other is not fertile, or somehow the combination just doesn't work. Either way, it's looking increasingly unlikely that they're going to have kids. This is a bad result from a biological point of view.
So what's the best strategy? ... it's to split up and meet new people. That way at least one, possibly both, have a chance at having families and reproducing. So thats' what our biology tells us: it turns us off each other and encourages us to look elsewhere.
Of course, if children result, then a whole other mechanism takes over. The presence of children stops the triggering of this behaviour, and instead triggers a whole lot of other 'family' behaviours.
This made sense until somewhere in the middle of the 20th century. However, something has come along that breaks this: contraception!
Now perfectly compatible / fertile couples can stay together for years, having regular sex, but not get pregnant. We rationally know that this is the case, yet our biology doesn't know about contraception. It doesn't compensate for it.
The result: after a few years (or longer, there are many other factors), things start to change and that desire to find someone else kicks in. It happens even though we don't want it to, and we know that fertility isn't (necessarily) a problem. But the old biological programming does its thing, and it becomes harder to stay with someone.
So, what can you get from this?
- It's natural to feel what you're feeling
- It very possibly has nothing to do with him, or you, it's just a factor of time and biology. You could still be right for each other.
- Having kids would possibly change this.
- If you separate and find someone new, you are quite likely to end up in the same situation in a few more years from now.
All the other advice stands. If you want to reinvigorate your relationship, focus on each other and spend your time doing some new, exciting and different things together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Yes i do think you would be foolish.
I was in the same situation before. I didnt know how i felt about my boyfriend. I ended up cheating on him. What a big mistake. Believe me...you dont know what you have till it is gone.
Do you get a lot of attention from the other guy and not enough from your boyfriend?? This could be why you are attracted to him. If this is the case you should talk to your boyfriend and work on getting the romance back.
However some relationships do fizzle out. Maybe your boyfriend isnt right for you. But you have to be sure of this before you split up with him for someone else!! You could end up making a big mistake. And you may not be forgiven!!
Maybe a break from your boyfriend will help things become a little clearer...spend some time apart and see if you miss him.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, frizzylizzy +, writes (15 January 2008):
 Be very careful.. I was in a similiar situation a couple of years ago accept my boyfriend had feelings for another girl. He broke up with me, started seeing the other girl and after a couple of weeks he was back begging me to take him back (imagine what i told him to do) so be very sure these are not just lustful feelings, that your not throwing your relationship away because your a bit bored.. Spice things up with your fella, go on a dirty weekend away and try remember why ye are together so long..
good Luck
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