A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel as though I married the wrong guy. Background check. I'm a quiet person, dislike publicity and really wanted someone calm and understanding for a hubby. Don't get wrong he isn't all bad but when he shouts, gets angry over small issues, he's reaction to people otside gets to me. Atimes he behaves really ok and all but I feel I could have had a more refined person. I once told him jokinly that if was to return in another life, I wouldn't be with him. Even on my birthday he buys me nothing. At first I would still buy something for him on his, hoping he'll change but never. Of course I stopped. Atimes I get jealous when I see couples having a good time. I'm I asking for too much?
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanna say thank you to the ladies for their thoughtful words and to olderthandirt, I think you should treat your gf, wife, whatever better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I spent years wondering why it appeared other couples were more relaxed, laughing and joking and yet me and my (no ex) husband appeared like he was on different planet. Bottom line is he makes you unhappy. Not buying you a birthday present is cruel. Personally I would leave because life really really is too short to be unhappy like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 how assertive are you willing to be to address this issue? Because deep down, i have a feeling that you were not joking when you told him what you did on your belated reservations about some of his actions?
Yes you should address these issues, before it gets much worse. You are not asking too much.
And do it immediately. Sit him down and let him know that his actions cause you .
Let him know that shouting and getting angry is obnoxious abusive boorish and rude. His actions need to change. Get a signal word to use and tell him that whenever he is out of control you will give him a 'look' and quietly say the word 'terse?'. That will be your signal that he's needs to stop behaving 'out of control'. Nothing else, just 'terse'. If you could quietly raise one eyebrow for a milli-second then all the better.
If your 'terse' word fails to stop his tirades then let him know you will leave the venue immediately he starts shouting.
He can either control his toxic actions or you will exit the venue.
Enrol the two of you into a yoga class and go along together to improve the calm in his emotions and to show your support if he is willing to try to improve. Attend alone if he refuses to attend as Yoga will give you a peaceful uplifting experience.
And consider a visit to a couples therapist to help you both to express your feelings better.
Occasional open well regulated conflict can bring issues out to be discussed.
Don't suffer in silence.
If he behaves in ways that are selfish or rude, embarassing or loud or obnoxious then you do have a right to say something.
Let's use his lack of empathy and generosity with presents as an example to make Assertive statements to him.
The word examples used below are mine, but you can substitute your words in between the capitals:
(His name) I stopped giving you a birthday present after feeling hurt for so long about your unwillingness to give me a birthday present. My birthday is a very special day to me but WHEN you choose to forget my BIRTHDAY I am left wondering if you have forgotten how much the day means to me. When you forget to find the time to choose a gift to give me on my birthday and THAT MAKES ME FEEL ignored and unappreciated and hurt and that makes me feel unhappy on a day that should be special to me AND IN FUTURE I WOULD LIKE you to try to honor me and demonstrate you care by taking the time to make that day special with a nice present from you to me and a date with you and me somewhere nice like (name your favorite restaurant or place)..
Good luck with these very vexing, distressing issues.
Abella
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 Oh well, you don't get a "do-over" If we all did we all be in a constant state of flux. I doubt there's a married person out there that doesn't wish he or she could have done better. It's over. Got to live with it or get a divorce.
...............................
|
