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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been dating a guy for about 8 months. We spend a lot of time together but he has an emotional wall up with me, that hurts me. He is also not as intimate physically as I would expect from a man. He has always refused to talk about the past, saying that it doesn't matter and he prefers to move forward. I have left him alone but I always had the nagging feeling that he wasn't telling me something. Last weekend, the phone rang on a Friday night while we were asleep. He answered it and quickly hung up. When I asked who it was he said just a friend and to go back to sleep. I pressed him for more answers. Long story short, he finally admitted that it was a girl that he grew up with and had totally been in love with for 15 years. They dated for a while but it didn't work out. She doesn't live near him but they are "friends" now and she calls him all the time because she is depressed and needs someone to talk to. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want it to be a threat to our relationship. He says that he wants to continue to be her friend but swears that he doesn't have those feelings for her anymore. Sorry for the long rambling - my questions is simply, am I being a fool for staying in this relationship?
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (12 November 2005):
 This man cant let go of his ex,its so obvious.He definately has feelings for her and thats why he cant be intimate with you.His ex girlfriend calls him up because she cant let him go completly.You are not getting the emotional and loving relationship you crave.You are not his shrink your soppose to be his girlfriend but he his treating you like a fool.He doesnt know what he wants,its about time he grew up.If i was you i would tell him that you have had enough of his cold attitude towards you and that you are not going to play second fiddle to her because you derserve better.Once he finds out that he is going to lose you he might realize that it is you that he wants to be with.But he sounds to me like he is emotionally constipated.Love is about wanting to touch and be intimate with your partner but he is not giving you that because his mind is elsewhere.Do you really want that? Im sorry if i might sound harsh but i say it like it is.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 November 2005):
 If he can't be straightforward about his past then he is hiding something important from you. I walk if he refuses to discuss it. No relationship can withstand secrets and closed doors.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): Unless he starts being more honest with you about her, and his conduct with you changes, I think you will be making a mistake. Now he has told you something about his past, you should be able to ask him about anything and expect an answer. Also, that wall you described briefly had better be coming down, or he is kidding himself about his feelings for his ex. Many people keep in touch with ex's because they care about them, even if they are convinced they can't make a life with the person, and have lost their interest in being with them. I would hope that most lovers are friends, first, and then lovers, but if the love fails, I would hope the friendship can stay. Some people insist on burning bridges, however, and I believe that makes them poorer. You can never have too many friends. And friends are the real currency of wealth. If You were wise beyond your current years, you would want to meet his ex and get to know her. You will be able to see what he was attracted to her about, and, perhaps, see why the relationship did not work out in the end. That can be very instructional to you about him, and about your own relationship with him.
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