A
female
age
41-50,
*randy1980
writes:I have an issue with my ex husband, and I need some advice please. He is in and out of my 10 year olds life. He calls when it is convenient for him. ie once or twice a month. A few years back he took her and my eight year old and hid them from me for a couple of days. I am so worried that if I let my 10 yr old go over there he will not bring her home. As far as my 8 yr old he does not really acknowledge her. My 9 yr old does not understand and think that I am the bad guy. Am I being the bad parent by not allowing her to go over to his house to spend the night. Also he drinks a whole lot was physically abusive to me and has had stints with drugs. Please help me figure this out. I dont want her growing up hating me for what he has done. But in the same token I understand that she loves her dad and needs to see him. I have tried to have him come over and visit but he does not want that. He wants her to spend the night with him. Please help me figure this out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): As parents, sometimes we have to make decisions that our kids will hate us for now, but will come to understand and appreciate in the future.
I think you're absolutely right. His patterns are saying that he is not fit to care for any of your children. If he wants to see them, I beleive his visits should be supervised by a third party. He was abusive to you and you should not have to overextend yourself or risk your well-being to keep him connected with your children.
My dad is schizo-phrenic and my mom sent me to stay with him every summer for years. I had no idea that he was sick and I can't even tell you the physical and emotional abuse that I faced from him. I couldn't understand why it was happeneing. My mother had no idea that he was abusing me until I told her in my adult years.
With that being said, sometimes its best to keep daddy away.
Best of Luck! I'm sure you'll make the best choice.
A
female
reader, Courts4  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 My sister in law is going through the same thing. You not a bad parent , I agree with both replies , you kids safety comes first. If you want to , you can all go out for dinner and you could just remind him of how much he is missing out in there lives. Good luck
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A
female
reader, kaywe23 +, writes (18 June 2010):
im sorry about that, im not a parent or anything like that but if he drinks,physically abusived you, and drugs, do u really want your kids being around that? its for there own safty.
you should tell him if he wants to see them, you have to be there. like go to the park and you can watch while hes with the kids. and if he complans that he wants more time with them, then say "well you need to stop drinking and u need to be in there lifes or out not both" (thats going to hurt the kid later in life), (my friend is upset because her dad does that) and if he takes your kids again, call the police and tell them what hes doing (like drinks) and they should help!
-good luck, i hope i helped....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): As a parent, your first duty is to keep your children safe. If your ex-husband is abusive and may have a drug habit, I don't blame you for not sending your kids there. Normally it's not a good idea to speak negatively about the other parent, but you may need to explain why you are concerned to your 10 year old; she's old enough to hear the truth. You don't need to go into too much detail, but let her know that her father has some personal issues and you are concerned for her safety and that's why you do not want her to spend the night at his house. Explain to her that her dad loves her, he's just going through a rough time. Make sure she knows that her father is welcomed to visit her in your home.
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