A
male
age
41-50,
*horfu
writes:I've been married for two months (too young to be having problems, no?). She's 32 and I'm 36. I consider myself a laid back kinda guy - so I really assess my position before I blow my cool. We have a 6 month old who we both love dearly. Before we got together (1.5 years ago) my wife suspected that she was a rebound from a past relationship that I had which lasted 5 years (we were engaged but it didn't work out). She is the breadwinner of the relationship - I have a business but it has been going through a bad patch the past 6 months. We live in her house (my financial situation got really bad and I couldn't maintain my own home). Ever since we got married, I find she is very controlling (she says I am - but I think only on certain things I'm not willing to compromise on).She is the "emotional" one and most times we disagree, she finds a reason to cry and that makes me feel bad. Although I would have had a point, by the time tears pour I'm feeling guilty (of what I'm usually unsure).We had a fight recently where I asked her not to smoke in the house because my mother was visiting. I then caught her trying to catch a quick puff downstairs with her friend. Needless to say I blew my top. She managed to turn it around to say that I was controlling. She cried, I felt bad. But I still think she could have made an effort to not smoke. We've been having sex problems for a while and she went on to bring this into the conversation. Why? I don't know, but in her words "this is more than me smoking in the house". The questions? Am I a bad husband and could I have handled it differently?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): Men and Women are different creatures with totally different ways of functioning! Are you controlling? Yep! Is she? Yep. The truth of the matter is everyone is is there own way! Whether its stamping your authority (in your own mind) by coming home 10 minutes later than you said you would, or her going to bed early to avoid sex one night! The question really is: is the level and method of control acceptable to you and her? Relationships are all about compromise, giving and taking, looking for that middle ground that suits you both. But one thing that is for sure; blowing your top is never a good thing!! Abuse is abuse and (although i'm pretty sure at some point everyone has lost it!) we should all strive to avoid it in our relationships. Flipping leads to nothing but resentment and fear. We love our partners! Why would we want them to feel oppressed? Find a healthy outlet for your anger and return to discuss the issue in a calm manner, that way its the issue your discussing!! Not you behaviour!!
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