A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone.Lots of thoughts/rants in relation to this topic. I'm turning 29 in a couple of months and have finished university, currently working in IT. Never had a girlfriend in my entire life, no woman has ever been interested in me and have come up empty all the time. To be honest..... I'm not exactly sure why? Chalk it up to just plain bad-luck?I don't seem to have problems talking and making friends with women. I have been rejected from about 8 women this year, each for different reasons that I cannot really explain or understand. I'm at least average-looking, if not rated higher with many good qualities such as honesty, caring and ability to get along reasonably well with a lot of people. I'm far from shallow and have reasonable hobbies/interests. There shouldn't be much, if anything that scare off women.Women seem to treat me as a friend or are not interested, no matter what else I have tried. I have tried asking my female friends to see if they can hook me up with any women, but that never yields anything. It seems that all of their friends are taken or they do not make a satisfactory effort to actually do this.Other problem: I can't really find any decent women that are also single. Additionally, I'm the only person around my group of friends or other acquaintances (including those younger than me) who has never had a relationship before. Seriously, it just seems that I've been losing out for WAY too long. Another thing that bothers me is that it is always ME that has to initiate hanging out with people. Women barely ever call/talk to me, even though I've known them for awhile. I don't get it.I have attempted to try Plentyoffish and OkCupid. I've been there for about a few months and rarely get any responses. My messages seem fair, sincere and never come across as being overly aggressive and also make references to a woman's interest/hobbies.Any suggestions/advice? It isn't my social network that is the problem. All I really ask for is having a fair shot/opportunity and one woman to show interest. I know this is hard to believe, but am I just one of those guys that can't ever catch a break when it comes to dating? Am I missing "something"?This is driving me absolutely crazy. I never envisioned being lonely into my late 20's, with nothing to show for my efforts. Everything else in life, I have earned through perseverance and hard work. It pains me that when it comes to women/relationships, nothing. If this continues into my 30's..... I don't know what I'm going to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): i'm a 27 year old guy who is still single as well
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015): i'm 2 years younger than you and I still have never had a girlfriend, it's depressing for me everyday.
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A
male
reader, lforde04  +, writes (24 August 2013):
I am quite a few years younger than you but have found that it can be incredibly hard to meet women that could actually be long term girlfriends. It's all very well chancing upon every social opportunity you're faced with and speaking to as many women as possible, the chances are that precious few of them will materialise as girlfriends.
That said, you shouldn't feel too hopeless- you've apparently turned down eight women this year which is extremely good going by anyone's standards, the reality is that you've possibly got too high standards. These generally prove to be total fallacy's at any rate- take for example my current girlfriend. She contravenes any expectations or standards I previously had, but despite a few complaints we do have something describable as a 'good' relationship. Personally, I wouldn't have turned down so many women- I'd have attempted having a relationship with one of them. Who know's? It might have worked, it might have failed a few months in but you would have had the experience and even a basis to formulate your future strategy on.
I wouldn't depend on internet dating of any kind if I were you. Generally, there are by far more male members of dating websites than there are female ones. I have female friends who regularly use websites such as OKCupid.com. Within a few hours of joining, they find themselves inundated under messages; sometimes they feel overwhelmed and give up, sometimes they meet up with men who turn out to be total weirdo's and then quit. I've found that many people use these sites to look for casual sex as opposed to a long term relationship- this is definitely what happened in my case. I met a woman, around ten years my senior off craigslist.com around this time last year. We got together for sex a few times before Christmas.
From what I understand of you, employed in the IT sector you'll be taking home a decent pay package annually. Perhaps you might consider joining a matchmaking agency. Admittedly this is a more traditional approach but you might find yourself paired up with someone, by an external observer, who is 'perfect'.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 August 2013):
Dear OP,
I can understand it's really hard when you're trying to find someone and it just doesn't work. I know several guys who only found first girlfriends later in life (one was even 40 years old). So, all I can recommend is keep on looking. In the end, it doesn't matter how many times a woman said "no" to you when you've finally found your match. Persistence, my friend! 8 dates is not much.
Still, there might be a reason why your search is more difficult than other people's search. Of course, I don't know, so I'll just list a number of possible reasons and solutions. I don't know you, so please, I'm not implying any of these reasons are true. Just some food for thought:
1) Your standards are too high and you've made up a "dream woman" in your head that you're looking for. So you ignore most women that might be interested in you. This is especially likely now that you've been waiting for a woman for so long. In this case, you could try dating someone who is different than your dream woman and see how that works. It's just a date, not a lifetime commitment.
2) You are average looking but you only want to date really beautiful girls. They like your personality, but they think that they "can do better" (sorry for this ugly, darwinistic term).. therefore you're friendzoned. If that's the case, a gym membership and some changes in life style might already be the fix of your problem (or dating women that are also more average looking). Also, check your wardrobe and dress as the male equivalent of the woman you want to date. If you want to date a very sexy woman, you want to look sexy too. If you want to date a classy woman, well then dress classy.
3) You hardly meet any single women anymore, because your group of friends is all in couples and you work in IT, where you've got hardly any female co-workers. If that's the case, go find a hobby where you meet women and go ahead with online dating. I don't know these sites but in general, pay sites are better for finding a partner.
4) You seem to get along well with people in general, but what about flirting skills? I know several guys who are really nice and decent looking people, but they're just too shy too flirt. If that's the problem, you can ask one of your female friends for help. Maybe they can show you how to improve in that department.
5) You're very unique regarding your worldview, principles, hobbies or IQ and that makes it harder to romantically connect with the average woman that you meet, because there's less similarity. If that's the case, spend some time to think about where you can meet a woman that's similar to you in this regard.
Anyway, don't forget that you're a valuable human being and that you're not defective or weird just because you don't have a partner. Also, you're not a better person if you're in a relationship. There's a lot of luck, or sometimes also just compromise involved when people find a partner.
The possible reasons I listed might sound a little shallow or judgmental. But even if you dressed weird and didn't know how to flirt at all, you can find a girlfriend who values your qualities and you're not doomed to spend the rest of your life alone. It will just take a little more time and persistence, I've seen it happen! Just don't give up.
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