A
female
age
41-50,
*anttobehappyagain
writes:ive been going out with an older man for many years, we dont live together and as we are a bit apart we dont see each other that often, but weve always had a great relationship with its ups and downs not many downs,, id say, we talk a lot online which helps when i dont see him off here..but a few weeks ago he mailed me out the blue saying he wasnt the man for me anymore, and that he cant see me when he likes, he went onto to say that he didnt want anymore contact with me and has blocked all online contact..this comes just days after we met and had a great time together, and days after he tells me online that he loves me and wants us to be together forever??so weeks has past now no contact..but i find out that hes mailed a mutual friend about me asking after me, im just so confused now. i thought i knew him so well that this has just causing me so much pain, to not have him in my life..
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female
reader, wanttobehappyagain +, writes (12 May 2010):
wanttobehappyagain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks all its nice to read and has helped me..to be able to tell u how im feeling has helped, and your replies are much appreciated..its his birthday today and no contact so im having a bit of an off day but ive said to myself after today, no more i have to get on with my life without him..
thanks again
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 May 2010):
Sounds like a married man to me, who was about to get found out. You're better off without him. Take your time getting over him, and find another who will commit. The red flag was that you've been seeing each other for years yet there was no sign for commitment.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 May 2010):
 I would say his lack of availability offline when you were dating should have alerted you to the possibility that he wasn't being 100% sincere with you. Have you considered the possibility that he maybe married with a family of his own? He may have been discovered and this is why he is terminating contact. Alternatively he maybe a single man who has met another women who he wishes to date. I would say don't lose too much sleep over him. When men want to be with you in a good long-term relationship they make themselves available when you need them - if they are elusive with no apparent explanation it means they are either not that committed or have something to hide (like another life with another partner). It sounds like all the power in this relationship was in his hands all along. You sat and waited for him to make contact and give you hope. I appreciate any relationship breakup can be a sad time but you sound like you have been too innocent about all this and have accepted less of a relationship than you ever wanted with him. I would say you have to walk away and learn a lesson about assertiveness in your relationship and dating behaviour. I am not suggesting you become pushy as such, but when you are not happy or not getting the sort of off-line contact with a partner that you would like then you have to communicate with that person as long-term relationship happiness is definitely a two-way street.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): Dear wanttobehappyagain,How sorry I am you feel unhappy and so confused. I'm not going to tell you to stop thinking about this man or move on - just yet, as I know how emotionally involved one can become, and how other people always give advice from a clinical, NOT being involved, which really doesn't help when someone is as confused as you are you. You don't give a lot of background information on how you met this man, but I'm presuming that is is online. So working on that scenario, what do you actually know about him, have you been to his home, met his friends, entered his personal living space? This can be quite important.You also go on to say, you have a good relationship, more ups than downs, but then say, you don't get together that much. Why...distance, children, work? I could be wrong but it appears you hook up together at times perhaps that suit this man, where it's just fun stuff, and not everyday life.Talking online - another question I'm afraid, why are you not talking by phone. It is totally different talking on a phone to online, as online people have the protection of a computer screen and can allow themselves to say things that perhaps face to face the reality would dawn on what they were doing. Having a relationship mostly by the internet is not healthy, you have to have regular face to face interaction.With not having any contact for a few weeks will be good for you - when we break up with someone, our first thoughts are to panic ( quite normal) feel lost, not able to sleep, eat or think of anything but the person we've broken up with, but during this process it gives us thinking time. It will also give your boyfriend thinking time, and TIME to miss you, if that is what he's doing. You cannot miss someone, if they are constantly emailing, texting you..give him some time. See what he does. This does not mean that in a few weeks IF yous till feel the same way, you can't try to open the channels of communication again. But please, try to think about some of the questions I've put to you. Sometimes we are so on top of our own feelings we need someone else to open our eyes to things we may have missed.I really hope you look after yourself during this stressful period..and good luck, I hope I've helped a little.Jilly x
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