A
female
age
36-40,
*intyTerror
writes:About a month and a half ago I moved in with my boyfriend, and so far things really aren't going well. I am 26 and he is 23. We don't argue really at all, and when we are actually interacting we have a pretty good time. I'm fairly independent, and we both do our own thing for the most part. I'm not happy because all he does is play video games. He gets up in the morning and immediately turns them on and plays until its time to go to work, often neglecting to even eat. Then he comes home and does the same thing until 3-4am. I have tried to get him to do other things, but 9/10 it gets me nowhere.Another issue I'm having is that he is very neglectful and isn't physically affectionate. He doesn't really hug or kiss me, and cuddling is pretty much out of the question unless he is trying to get my clothes off. He says it gets too uncomfortable and he doesn't sleep well if he falls asleep cuddling. And of course there isn't any cuddling or touching happening outside of the bed because he literally plays video games all day and night unless he is working.I told him about a week ago that when he just rolls over and falls asleep or turns on video games after sex that I felt cheap. He didn't say anything, but rolled over and proceeded to go to sleep. A few nights ago I was feeling really sick and wanted to be cuddled at bedtime. I tried to cuddle up, and when he didn't attempt to return the embrace, I got upset with him. His response was "I'll cuddle you tonight but I'm probably just going to be grumpier than normal in the morning. You just have to decide what you wanna deal with." At that point I was feeling hurt and like he was being manipulative, so I rolled over and went to sleep feeling sick and upset. My best friend says that it seems like he isn't into me. Normally I would agree, but he says things to make me think otherwise. He talks about us like he wants a future, brings up getting married, talks about having kids...I'm just really confused. I'm so unhappy, and I'm not sure how to talk to him about it. I'm feeling lonely and rejected, and I know that I deserve so much more.Is this just hopeless? How do I present myself and the things I'm feeling without delivering an ultimatum or sounding unproductively accusatory?
View related questions:
best friend, cheap, moved in, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, justagirl245  +, writes (30 May 2013):
i know exactly how you feel... my bf does the same thing. We are in a long distance relationship and he plays online games and often i feel like I take a backseat to that. Recently, I asked him not to play with girls and he still does and still is cold to me and makes me feel rejected, yet tells me he wants a future and loves me, which is very confusing to say the least.... I feel like we are in the same exact situation emotionally.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Now that you have moved in, it’s real life and this is what it is. He loves his video games. My husband also is an online gamer… and most nights he games… but he puts it down for dinner with me every night… and certain shows we watch together. As for cuddling… we cuddle watching tv and sometimes in the mornings on the weekends.. but to fall asleep… we kiss goodnight and turn and touch tushes all night… I’m a furnace to him (the joys of being a middle aged woman we come with our own heat) and he can’t stand being that hot… sometimes we just hold hands.
He actually was right in giving you the option “I’ll cuddle you tonight but I’ll just be grumpier in the morning” For me, I’d opt to not cuddle with my guy if that was my choice. He’s grumpy enough in the mornings.
IF you feel like you are being manipulated and used, you have to tell him HOW YOU FEEL.
And it’s not YOU MAKE ME FEEL… instead it’s more along the lines of “I’m happy but when YOU choose to play games all night instead of be with me I feel xxxx “ and then you say “do you want to try to fix this?” and he will say yes… then you ask him what he suggests… if he has nothing you can say “well can we have dinner together?” and then ask how many nights a week that is acceptable.
I know if I was in your situation and I got no affection and no attention I’d feel used and hurt too.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Have a read of this OP.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
It's simple. You're basically his post video game fuck toy. Actions are the mark of any person OP. You're old enough to know that.
If I asked you to go on skype there, show me your vagina and play with it because I'm a gynecologist and want to save your life, would you believe me? Why not, I said the words didn't I? No, because my actions there would be of utmost creepiness. So why then do you believe this guys words when his actions say the exact opposite?
I will say one thing though OP, going to sleep while cuddling is a no-go for me too. I'm the big spoon, so my arm gets stuck under and it's really awkward, it goes dead after a little while too. Plus I don't know what is up with women but your bodies are insanely hot and that doubles the discomfort. So we have to wait until you sleep then try and sneak our crushed arm from under you, which usually wakes you up and then we get a pretty terse "what are you doing, I'm trying to sleep" or we get an accidental elbow to the face as you sleepily react to being moved.
I'm only talking about falling asleep though, cuddling for a while before turning out the lights etc is just awesome.
Look let him have the cuddling when falling asleep thing, it really is just not practical for a lot of us. But no cuddling at all ever is just too much. Playing video games non-stops is too much too. Me and my fiancée play a lot of skyrim lately but I can literally watch her play for hours, sitting there holding her. It's her favourite thing to while hungover, and it's something we both love.
OP I never advocate using sex as a weapon and I'm not going to start now, but it's making you feel cheap because he is only using you for sex. So stop giving it him, he has to work harder than to earn sex. Now he may be a great guy when he's not stuck to VGs but seeing as he is most of the time now then most of the time he's acting like an asshole. They're more important to him and you've been relegated to "warm hole to stick it in" so stop being that hole. He has to do a lot more than just be amorous when he wants sex if he's not going to get sex because it's become horrible for you.
Don't be spiteful about it, just don't be in the mood. Tell him he's not doing anything to get you in the mood, nothing to make you feel loved and you're just not feeling sexy because of that.
I agree with the others though OP, you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Tell him you can't live like this, you can't live feeling this disrespected and used and you're very unhappy.
...............................
A
female
reader, wonderbread +, writes (6 March 2013):
Actions speak louder then words. Men can talk pretty, but if they don't back it up it's only empty words.If you want a relatable story; there once was a woman who fell in love with a man, but the man liked to play games and read manga on his iPhone and could do so for hours. During pre-marital counselling she brought this up and it was suggested by the counselor that the man should put down the iPhone when the woman asked for attention. Real attention.So the man did, but then opened a laptop to read more comics and play DeadZone (a fb game -.-).So the woman initiated a "no screen" rule. On nights when the man or women asked for a no screen night, the phones and computer were put away and they had to do things together, like talk, play games, and other couple type stuff."No screens" work because the man wants to make the women happy...So basically the moral of this story is, go talk with your boyfriend, and if he won't cut down/back, think about where this is going long term. If he can't give you attention, and when you ask for it, say hurtful things like "I'll cuddle you tonight but I'm probably just going to be grumpier than normal in the morning. You just have to decide what you wanna deal with." you need to ask yourself, are you worth that?I think you're worth so much more and deserve someone who wants to love you. Compromise with you. Build you up. You deserve someone who will put in as much as you're putting in.Best of luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): Hmm I'm really surprised by what he said to you, that's just awful . I don't think it means for sure he's not into you - it could be that he is just comfortable in the relationship and taking you for granted. You're totally right when you say you deserve better, and I think he needs to realise he's disrespecting your feelings. First of all try to bring it up in a nice conversation, talk calmly and make sure you tell him everything. Don't criticise him, just say it would be nice if he was affectionate sonetimes, things like that. If it still doesn't work and he's avoiding the subject, I think you two need to talk seriously about this, because you really deserve someone who makes you feel like a princess, and if he's like this now imagine what it would be like in 10 years time. If he's a good guy and loves you, he should listen to you and make a bigger effort. If not, you know you deserve better than that. Actions speak louder than words, I would give him a chance but don't waste your entire life on someone that doesnt know what they've got. I've been in my relationship for 3 years (I'm 21) and I've had similar problems once or twice, but if it's like that constantly you should question your relationship and what good it's doing to you. Hope I helped
...............................
|
