A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my girlfriend for 6 years and we are about to graduate from college at end of year and because of her pre med school, we are set to move to Galveston. She wants me to propose to her, and she wants to be engaged by the time we move up. Throughout our time together ive pretty much dedicated my school and work (like my current job) to be a man for her. I want to be able to provide for her and take care of her while she stays at school. Plus Im making a huge commitment to leave, take a 8 hour drive, and live with her while she studies and be engaged at the same time. I do what i can to help her and her clubs she is in, i miss really important football games and events for her, hell at 20 im providing her internet services because she cannot receive wifi where she lives and she needs it for school. Of course we do our stupid couple fights like normal couples but now, Im second guessing proposing to her.Like everything ive done, i do it for her, so i can show her i love her, i will support her, and im here to be her "rock".But when i ask for something that requires her to get out of her normal ways, she gets bothered by it. Now her parents raised her the non-traditional way, which is fine, plus shes a feminist, which I support her.If i ask for food, she says she cant. I asked her if she would take my last name, she said no. Once, for work all my uniform shirts were dirty and i asked if she could wash 1 because i had work early in the morning, and she had a tantrum. In bed, i have to give, give, and give but i dont think she ever has done anything to make me feel wanted and she told me she thinks of other stuff while we have sex.Now I understand her ways. She wants to prove woman go do great things. She has big goals and aspirations. She has me giving up a lot, if not all, of my ways growing up. Like what am I worth to her. There's nothing spontaneous she does for me. Maybe once in every 2 years she will i guess. But i feel like im doing what i can even at a young age and when she starts her med school, i know its not going to get better....am i just in her way. Is there ever going to be a time for me. I even asked her what shes giving up for me and she just blew off the question and never answered it..im really devastated by this...what do i do.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2015):
 Your heart isn't in it, you're second guessing the relationship. I think you do all these things for her because you want something in return. And then when you dont get it, you feel upset, cheated, angry. You give give and give. You get nothing in return.
I am sure she gives you some things in return, but its not the things you want. I am also sure that many of the things you give, she takes for granted and doesnt see as much sacrifice. Say important games you miss. She might be thinking they're not important, or that it'll do you good to see less games (or whatever type of games you're talking about, you didnt mention if its a sport you play or just watch).
If this dynamic continues, it will only get worse. The first thing I recommend you do is to NOT give any more. Stop it. Don't be cruel about it, but do not give anything that you feel is a sacrifice to you. Take care of your own needs, and then see how it goes. Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe it causes problems. Find out. Don't make sacrifices if they dont really matter to anyone but yourself.
Second, stop and ask yourself what sort of relationship you want. You sound way too traditional for me, but if that's the sort of relationship you want, then she does not sound like the right woman for you.
On the other hand I see you being a bit hypocritical. You say you sacrifice yourself to be the "man" and provide for her, yet you see it as her being a feminist if she doesn't do your laundry. If it's a sacrifice for you to "be her man", then it would also be a sacrifice for her to "be a woman" and do your laundry, cook you food etc.
So why don't you both STOP sacrificing or taking for granted what the other should and should not do? Cook your own food, do your own laundry, and she can provide for herself and fix her own Internet. You need to stop trying to make her into someone she's not, she wont ever be that laundry/cooking lady you wish for. No matter how much you feel like you deserve it. Figure out of she's enough for you, without any changes.
Lastly, if you feel that you do not get what you need in the relationship, then be an adult and end it. Some times, people just aren't a good match, no matter how much they love one another.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2015):
 I think she is missing the basic concept of feminism. It's NOT to make the MAN fill the WOMAN'S traditional role (and by the way it seems that is what she think it is all about). Feminism is about equality no matter what gender nationality or orientation, to be equal - ALL of us. That means you BOTH give and you both get.
She doesn't "have" you give up a lot for her. YOU can CHOOSE to do so OR not. Now if you choose not, then she may not want to be with you and maybe that is not worst that can happen for you.
NEITHER of you should have to give up everything for the other.
You are 20 and been with her for 6 years? So from you were 14? That is a long time. And NOW (your early 20's) is when you REALLY should start coming into your own.
As for laundry - do you own. Just because she has ovaries doesn't mean she should do them or would do them better. Unless she was doing her OWN laundry and you asked her to add a shirt - OR you were not near a washing machine (like at work) and she was. Then she could have done it for you, because THAT is what people do in a relationship - they MAKE things work.
I ONLY took my husband's last name because it would make the process with immigration WAY easier, other wise I'd rather have kept my own. (too long to hyphenate ours) I see nothing wrong in her keeping her name, you taking hers or keeping YOURS as well. The only real problem comes when the kids show up. My brother took his wife's name. Not a big deal IMHO.
As for the sex. It should be enjoyment for both of you, not you being her little "bed-slave".
If you are not really ready to get engaged, then DON'T. Though I have to say if you aren't sure after 6 years... she isn't the one for you. BUT take that with a grain of salt as you two are really young as well, so I can see why you doubt it.
A relationship is not JUST about one person. There is TWO people in it. It should be about them both.
Is moving to Galveston realistic? Can you find work there? Can you afford it? Are you pursuing school? There are a LOT of questions you need to ask yourself and her. And, I think maybe sitting down and talking to your parents as well.
After 6 years together I think you have "followed" her lead and now she is so used to "getting" her way all the time. My guess is you are not the assertive type. And then you end up with having "no power" " no say" in what goes on - to at least feel like you don't.
When you asked her what she was going to give up for you - did you consider the answer first? What exactly do you think she should "give" up for you?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 September 2015):
What you described is not a good relationship, certainly not one deserving of marriage, ESPECIALLY at such a young age....
You know what you have to do. Don't get married, it only gets more difficult to be happy. Love is great, but you are absolutely not compatible and trust me, that is a big deal.
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