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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My Mother had always had a drinking problem and it drove my parents to divorce. I made a promise to myself I would never drink or be with someone who drinks since I thought 'If alcohol ruined my parents relationship then it would to the same to me.'Now I am happily in love with a sweet man but I just found out he drinks like every once in a while. The thought of him drinking scared me and I told him about what happened to my parents and he promised he don't drink that much but don't expect him to quit. I am worried please someone give me some advice I don't want to lose him over alcohol.
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 It's difficult, I understand, and you have every right to feel the way you do. At the same time, your boyfriend's response is just about right - even if he gave up drinking, that wouldn't address the underlying fear, only treat the symptom of that fear. Fear of alcohol is every bit as much a way of letting it control you as alcoholism, especially in a society where the vast majority of people drink without it causing any problems.
Alcohol is not, in itself, the source of problems. It's something that can exacerbate an existing one, or one that can take an already-balanced life and enhance it in moderation. Even getting blitzed once or twice a year is not a life-ruiner. That gray area is hard to teach, though; I've known enough alcoholics to prove that.
The best thing would be to use this as an opportunity to leap the emotional hurdle and learn not to fear or blame alcohol - mostly because it makes it harder to relate to the occasional drinker, like your boyfriend. Try going out with him one of these nights. Not to a bar or club, but just to a decent restaurant that serves wine, and let him have a glass or two. See how it works out. Warn him ahead of time about it - I knew a girl sometime back who also hated alcohol, so she wouldn't kiss her boyfriend if he had it on his breath, and he was understandably upset when she pulled away without warning like that (they stayed together for a long time after, so I can only assume it got better once she explained it).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Alcohol by itself doesn't ruin a relationship anymore than money automatically ruins a relationship. It's ADDICTION that ruins the relationship.
You need money to survive. But some people are addicted to money in the form of gambling or irresponsible spending, and the latter ruins relationships. But getting rid of all money obviously isn't going to work.
With alcohol, many people drink alcohol socially (like at weddings, celebrations, work functions) without ever becoming addicted and alcoholics. Those who can't or don't stop and get out of control, are the ones who should stay away from all alcohol because they can't control themselves. People who can and do control themselves, shouldn't be punished.
My husband's grandfather was an alcoholic and so my mother-in-law hates all alcohol and wouldn't allow her own husband or her children like my husband and his siblings, and their families like me, to drink any alcohol in her presence. But she goes a step further. If we even mention drinking any alcohol in our private lives away from her she gets mad at us. e.g. I had one glass of champagne at my best friend's wedding this past summer which is the last time I drank any alcohol, and mentioned that to my mother in law and she got mad at me. So now, who is the one who is creating problems in the family?
If your bf drinks every once in a while that means he's not an alcoholic. An alcoholic can't wait for every once in a while. Since your bf isn't an alcoholic, you shouldn't try to make him stop drinking when he wants it occasionally. It would be like him saying his sister had an eating disorder and died therefore he doesn't like it if you EVER touch any chocolate or ice cream, ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): Finding someone who completely doesn't drink I believe would be hard (someone english/american anyway) because I know some people don't for religious reasons but many people all around the world like an occasional drink and there's nothing wrong with that. Like person12345 said, there's a difference between an alcoholic and having an occasional drink, a MASSIVE difference. To become an alcoholic, you have to drink A LOT to start with, that's what makes them reliant on it.
If your boyfriend say's he doesn't drink much, you should believe him, trust is a huge part of every relationship. I also agree, perhaps counseling or al anon will help you with this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2011):
 I second what Person1234 said... Al Anon is a great help... and there is difference between an alcoholic and an occasional social drinker....
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 December 2011):
 There's a difference between being an alcoholic and having an occasional drink. I would recommend going to an al anon meeting, for many reasons, and trying to figure out what you need to do to get past your mom's drinking. One of the things they teach you is that you can't change other people, you can only change yourself (meaning you can't control how much he drinks). What you should remind yourself though is that pushing your boyfriend away or trying to get alcohol out of his life won't change what happened with your mom.I do think it was really insensitive of him though to respond basically that he'll do what he likes regardless of how it affects you. But it seems to me that the only reason it is affecting you is a fear of something that MIGHT happen, rather than something he's currently doing that is hurting you. It sounds a bit phobic, and al anon can help you with that.
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