A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been an absolute idiot and don't know what to do. I have been so stressed out I can barely sleep.I am in a relationship with a much older man and have been for four years. It has been my only serious relationship. I have no issues or anything like that or not even an interest in older guys... we just met and fell and love, neither of us were looking for it. Now though I feel stuck. We love each other and he is an awesome guy. All is perfect in most areas but sex is a real problem as he doesn't want it much. He is getting older and I feel I haven't even got started... and think **** what have I got myself into.I think deep down I want to bail but he is a great guy and I truly believe it would ruin his life. How can I cause that when really he has done nothing wrong? The guilt of putting him through such pain when he has been a loyal loving partner is stressing me out like you could not even imagine. In the past when he has had doubts about us I've been there saying no way and reassured him.To make things worse I have been typing and webcamming to a guy in America and he is just amazing inside and out. Similar likes, nice compatible differences, closer in age, and both have that urge for sex. If I asked him to fly here for us to meet I am certain he would do it.I know this is an affair of sorts and think if I am to continue talking to this guy I should break up with my partner. That is the problem. I just don't know how or if I can even do it. I love and care about him so so much and feel like I would be the great guy who came into his life, made it shine and then destroyed it all. I would be fine home wise, financially, emotionally etc but I worry so much for him. I really love and care about him but age and differences in sexual drive have made things really hard for me. I have actually struggled with the sex bit for three years always hoping for some miracle. To make things worse (yet again) he has been making a real effort in that department. I feel like an absolute bastard.Here is a loaded question... what should I do!? Please any advise whatever it is, I'll so appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): You don't say exactly how much older this man is, but it sounds like he's a LOT older. It sounds like it is only now that you are beginning to realize the problems with being in a relationship with someone way outside your age group (5,10 years or more age difference). You are having problems now - but think what problems lay down the road for you just due to age differences! When he wants to settle on the couch, night after night, just watching tv while you're still young and want to go out and dance or just socialize, what will you do then? When health problems that naturally come with aging begin to show up in him, while you're still feeling young and active - what then? Will you be happy to play nurse maid to him - push him around in his wheelchair because he can no longer walk? How about change his diapers or spoon feed him if he gets dementia or Alzheimers? How do you like the idea of women your age around you still being able to live life to its fullest, while you have to act much older than you are because of your husband/boyfriend's health issues? Which would you rather do - be planning a trip to Hawaii with someone your age (or near it) or be pushing a wheelchair and spoon-feeding this old geezer? THINK ABOUT IT! Use some sense and get out now - before YOU get old before your time! Sometimes this is just what these older men have really been looking for - someone younger to take care of THEM in their old age. Is this what you want to do? Throw your youth away on this old guy? You need to confide in a friend about plans to leave this guy. Also, for your own safety, I would get out first and not let him know where you are going. Then talk to him by phone or mail him a letter - however you get away, be careful! Certainly you've heard of people harming the ones they supposedly "love" when they try to leave! I'm not trying to scare you - but just be careful how you plan to break the news to him and how you plan to leave. Let others you trust know what you plan to do and when. Be safe!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): Well if you are really interested in staying with him then you have to 1. come clean with this part and tell him that you are having doubts because the sex is lacking. As the other posted said, Viagra could be the answer, and you did say that he has been trying to improve there. If he does not then you have to leave.The other part of the problem might just be that you are younger and that yes while you love him and care for him, your sex drive is stronger now and even if he does improve you might still feel you are missing out on something. If this is the case then you need to be honest with yourself, then you need to talk to your boyfriend to let him know you are having this conflict, and if it cannot be worked out leave. Unfortunately you cannot live your life worrying about how another person is going to react to a relationship ending. I did that and ended up in a very unfulfilling relationship for a very long time, and did things like have webcam friends, which is no real way to live. Accept that if you are not happy you have to move on. Just be honest with him and yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): I agree with the others up to a point, but if a lack of sex is the only problem (other than the American guy) then a medical check-up might be in order just to make sure his health is fine. If it is, there's always Viagra, Cialis etc. which have saved many a relationship that was lacking in the sex department. I'm left wondering exactly how old your man is.
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach  +, writes (16 January 2009):
ok first of all he is only your first serious relationship, so therefore he does not need to be your last!
you are young and should beable to go and have some fun. don't settle for someone who is older and has done everything that you want to do.
secondly the internet guy, as lovely as it all seems..where exactly is it going to go? he lives in another county! you complain about the non sex with your current partner, but yet you wont have any sex with a guy over the net! so break it off with the older guy and go out with your friends, have some fun and find guys your own age. you are too young to give up having fun.think of your relationship as an experience.
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