A
male
age
,
*entleAsIam
writes:Twenty some years ago I met this lady and we dated for four months and due to circumstance beyond our control I had to leave her because of my job. During these four months our relationship became very intense and we fell in love with each other. All these years I have never forgotten about her she was in my heart each and every day. Having said that she was in a relationship already when we were seeing each other but she was really not happy. Nevertheless all these years I missed her so dearly that I could not over come my love for her. I tried so hard to move on with my life I had another relationship with a lady and we had a beautiful daughter, however our relationship never lasted more then a year. Again I moved on but always thinking of my true love that I missed so much like it killed me inside with pain. I tried to move on again where I met this lady and we got married. With this marriage we had no children. This marriage lasted 11 years and again my true love was still as heavy as when I first met her twenty some years ago. Over the last four months my true love and I have been talking and texting on the phone. However she is married for about 14 years now. During all of phone calls she has told me how she still loves me and that if ever she is alone again that I would be the only man she would be with. Having said that we talk every day except fpr two days each week. She was telling me how sweet I am, how she truly still loves me that I am the most wonderful and kindest man she ever been with. We talk on the phone like we were married. However she has told me that she feels bad inside because she is doing something behind her husband's back that should not really be. I understand her but I cant let her go anymore in my heart. I crave for her phone calls and just to listen to her sweet voice brings tears to my eyes. I cant help to think of those beautiful moments and times we spent together twenty some years ago. We talk about those times and I hear it in her voice the passion and love she has still for me. But lately over the last two weeks I have noticed her pulling back and all those sweet words and comments are no more. She tells me she has no reason to leave him yet that she still loves him. But she has told me things that would cause me to pack up and leave. I know I am a better man then he is and that I would do anything in this world for her. I told her that I will wait until I die for her. My question is: If she tells me that she loves me and wants to be with me etc etc and how we would spend Christmas together how we would travel and see the world together and just do everything together, then why does she still stays with him? All she does is cook, clean the house, do laundry and give him sex whenever he demands it. She told me she has had a passionate kiss since with me. So why does she still want to be with him? I just dont understand. She says to me to be patient be patient, dont pressure me into a corner. Give me time. Anyways that is my situation and I cry everyday for her. Yet she won't come to me.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 December 2012):
Hi. Unfortunately, your other relationships since this one 20 years ago, have not been as good - in your mind - as the first one.
So each time one of those marriages ended, you automatically thought back to this 4 month relationship, and nothing seems to compare.
And then you wish you could go back there again, to happier times.
And a four month old relationship, is still very new and with not enough time to really get to know each other properly.
And you had to suddenly end the relationship because of your work, which was a situation out of your control.
So I guess what has happened there, is that you have spent the rest of these 20 some years, wondering if you hadn't had to move away for your work, could you have ended up getting married.
And that is understandable, because it was very fresh and new and still in the "falling in love" stage of a new relationship.
So you would naturally become rather curious over time, as to where it could have lead.
On many occasions you probably wondered to yourself, if you would still be together now - if it wasn't for your job at the time.
And that is almost impossible to know.
And in some way also, and because you are on your own at the moment, it is possible that you are considering whether it COULD work now, if she was available.
So at the bottom of all these feelings you have, you most likely just want to know for sure, and at the very least, to find closure.
You are feeling as though you would like a second chance at it.
And the very doubtful part of all this, is that there is no guarantee now, that you would both feel the same now as you did back then.
And if anything did happen and she left her husband - not because of you though - you might start going out, and both feel that there is nothing there anymore between you.
And that it was just a lovely dream and some nice memories.
Remember, everything in life happens for a reason.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 One thing I'm sure of, and that it's futile to tell you to move on. After 20 years, some habits just never get lost, and that includes you burning a candle for her for 20+ years.
But one thing I want to ask you is -- are you sure that it's love that you feel for her? Let me be plainer than this:
Do you really love her??
I say this because if you really, honestly, truly love her, you'd make the ultimate sacrifice and let her go and release her. I know that in the fit of emotion, you said that you'd wait until you die. This isn't love. It's emotions, drama, and desire, but it isn't love.
Sure, you can burn the candle for her, but true love will let her go. An act of love is to accept that she has chosen a lifelong path.
She needs to demonstrate the same level of love for you by likewise letting you go. Telling you that if she were alone, etc., is not love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Don't pressure her to leave because decisions made under duress (even if its the one you want) don't have a solid foundation, there will be second guessing to follow. But don't torture yourself for another 20 years either. You need to work toward either getting together with her or finally getting real closure. Ask her to make her decision by a certain time frame. Its not fair for her to put you on hold indefinitely. She has the upper hand and she knows it. you're single and available and wanting to be with her while she is the one with obstacles. Whether or not you will be together is entirely her decision so she has all the power. This isn't a good place for you to be in for the long run so you need to get some control over your own happiness and not leave it entirely to her whim. Give her some time but be prepared for the event that she doesnt choose you and how you will live with that. You need to work on finally moving on. Either way you will end up feeling better than right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): If you only recently reconnected with her, realize this is a major life change and decision you're asking her to make. People stay married for lots of reasons besides love and there's pressure to stay married as you yourself know. When people say they are in love with you yet there's no real reason to leave their marriage it means they care a lot what other people think of them and fear judgement for leaving their marriage. They are afraid to take responsibility for their feelings and are searching for an easy excuse to leave their spouse like abuse, adultery, alcoholism etc. Of course its possible the marriage is broken because the husband is unloving, selfish, etc but because those are more subtle and less dramatic than physical abuse and adultery, people think that only these extreme behaviors tantamount to crimes can be aalcceptable reasons to divorce their spouse. And if the spouse "unfortunately" doesn't do such extreme bad things then the person feels they have no acceptable reason to leave or will face judgment from family and friends and that is what holds them back. People want to have good reputations and not be seen as bad people. This self identity issue can be so strong it trumps love and passion in importance.After 14 yrs marriage there is a lot of inertia to overcome before she can think of leaving especially if her life wasn't extremely bad to begin with that she leatned to avcept what she had and has grown accustomed to the familiarity of her husband. That's a lot to give up which is why she can't do it. But things may change in the future. some people take a very long time to sit with a new thought or situation before their attitude changes. So there could be a chance yet. When she talks of being with you and making future plans its sort of like she is trying this new life on for size in tiny baby steps to see how she feels. But at the same time her moral convictions prevent her going further. People want at heart to be good people, to be loyal and honest. She knows she is cheating on her hb and that fills her with internal conflict so she has to pull away from you to ease that burden on her mind. Yet she isn't ready to make a final decision one way or the other because that is too overwhelming.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 December 2012):
Hi there. Regardless of how good things were between you both, more than 20 years ago, it seems clear that she does love her husband.
She has after all, stated that there really is no reason to leave her husband, and she is being honest with you, when she says that.
She has no real reason to lie, after all, does she?
And if she had've said that she was having problems etc., she could be just saying that to keep you from feeling hurt, kind of like letting you down gently.
It's not a good idea to start pressuring her to leave her husband to be with you, because she has indicated to you she doesn't want to be forced into a corner, and for you to give her time, and says to be patient.
And she could be saying that to not hurt you.
It does sound like she is stringing you along a little, and saying what she believes you want to hear.
And no doubt, it probably has that effect on you, when she says those words.
I say this, because she has started to cool off a bit from being in contact with you, and she is probably feeling a lot of guilt.
And between now and those 20 odd years ago when you dated each other for 4 months, all those years in between would have partly changed you both, without you realizing it.
And just supposing that she did leave her husband to be with you, down the track in several months time, there is no guarantee that it would even work out.
Whichever way you look at it, it's a pretty big gamble, when you come to think of it.
More of a gamble for her than for you, because she loses everything.
And if it didn't work out the way you had hoped it would with her, well then she can't go back to her husband again, because he would probably be finished with her!
And she is no doubt, keeping this in mind, whenever she thinks about it all.
You are currently on your own at the moment, aren't you?
So that makes you in a bit of a lonely place, to begin with.
So naturally, you go back over your past loves - her - and revisit how things were all those 20 some years ago, and wonder and daydream to yourself, if it could be as good now, as it was back then.
And what if it FAILED miserably?
You would then be thinking to yourself - "What the HELL was I thinking?"
And also - "I have now wasted 20 some years of my life, thinking about this woman all this time, and wishing, hoping and praying if someday, somehow, somewhere, we could ever get back together again and give it another go."
How disappointing would that be for you?
You would be devastated!
And then you would be thinking to yourself - "So what do I do now?"
While ever you go on waiting for this past love of yours, you are missing other chances for true happiness with someone you have things in common with right now - not something in common with someone over 20 years ago.
And not to mention, someone who is actually AVAILABLE right now.
You are still in love with a dream - of past memories of this woman.
For the moment, you can do nothing more than get on with your own life, and see how things pan out over time.
And also, you really need to set a timeframe on how long you are prepared to wait for this long lost love.
Whether it's 6 months to a year, some timeframe at least needs to be set, so you don't waste the rest of your life waiting for something that may NEVER happen.
And that would be terribly sad.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): "I know I am a better man then he is and that I would do anything in this world for her."Unfortunately she is a far worse person than either you or her husband are and she would do anything in the world for herself."I told her that I will wait until I die for her."And she has effectively told you that she will keep you waiting until you do indeed die for her."If she tells me that she loves me and wants to be with me etc etc and how we would spend Christmas together how we would travel and see the world together and just do everything together, then why does she still stays with him?"Because in her mind staying married to her husband offers her more benefits and fewer disadvantages than leaving him for you. "So why does she still want to be with him?"Because in her mind staying married to her husband offers her more benefits and fewer disadvantages than leaving him for you. "Anyways that is my situation and I cry everyday for her. Yet she won't come to me."And she never will. You can either cry for her every day while waiting for her while she doesn't leave her husband, or you can wise up and be a good father to the daughter you apparently have treated as an afterthought while letting yourself be thoroughly whipped by a married woman who is playing you for a sap.
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