A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in an amazing relationship for 8 months now.Everything seems to be going so well, however there have been at the most, five occasions when my borfriend and I disagree on something. I see them as insignificant arguments, but last night he told me he thinks maybe we are not compatible and that each time we had these arguments he thought about ending it. He also said he's kept himself "emotionally ready" for a break up due to past experiences with girls. I've told him that I love him and we need to work on communication, but now I'm really worried that after all this time spending so many wonderful moments together, he is questioning our compatibility over a few petty arguments? I don't know what to tell him. he's logical, I'm emotional. the arguments are over him thinking I should do something a certain way, but he goes off on a tangent giving me instructions rather than suggestions, when I say I've had enough, I just want to enjoy our time together, he says he feels like I haven't understood, or I don't care. I'm really scared to ruin what we have. I just don't think he sees how special it is. Help :(
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 Perhaps you are actually not very compatible. As shown by the very same fact that you don't give the same weight to your differences and arguments, and you don't draw the same conclusions about them.
It's not a matter of who's right who's wrong about a specific issue- it's more a matter of being different persons with different views about communication and relationships and what ultimately matters.
It's a very subjective area,yes- which does not mean that it's a minor little thing and you'll surely " get over it ".
For instance, you refer to 5 arguments in 8 months as something negligeable. If it were me... I could not have a bf like you, I see that as an HIGH level of conflictuality. As for the arguments being " petty " stuff, precisely- ditto. I don't even consider the possibility of fighting about " petty " stuff, I won't do it and I won't accept it, and if " petty " stuff keeps coming up and putting me and a SO at loggerheads- maybe it means that person and I are not made to be together, NOT COMPATIBLE.
I am not saying I am right and you are wrong, I am saying that this is my type of personality and that I am surely not the only one, this type of personality exists, maybe your bf has it too, and it's not very compatible with the " fight, kiss, and make up every second day " approach.
You love him, and probably he loves you back, but , really,"love " is never enough to keep two people together by itself. Out of a context, out of the nitty gritty of everyday's life, once the " wonderful moment " has been enjoyed and you are waiting for the next one. It's what happens in between the wonderful moments that really counts- if you can communicate, talk, get along, " feel " each other.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 My partner and I are big fighters. Our fights are loud and often seem like deal breakers but we are both committed to making it work so we push past the fights and try to learn from them. Yes we are in counseling for communication issues... it helps a bit... BUT what really keeps us together is that both of us are on the same page about making it work.... we both WANT it to work... so even when it's rough we are committed to being together...
If he's giving you instructions what's the difference from suggestions? If he's trying to make you over to be what he wants (and needs) and you don't like it, how will communication work help this?
Our issues are that we AGREE on things but we approach it differently.. if you don't agree on things then that could be a sticking point.
It does sound like he's not as invested in this relationship as you are... that he doesn't see it as awesome as you do... that he's got an underlying discomfort with your approach to life not meshing with his.
And that OP is a fundamental difference that may not be fixable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): I think he's right OP.
You say you're emotional and he's logical well maybe he can see that you're not compatible and you're letting your judgement be clouded by emotions.
OP you're both on very different levels. You see the arguments as petty, he views them as potential deal breakers. You say how special it is yet he sees some very big practical flaws. You're emotionally committed and he's not, he has told you he has one foot out the door of this relationship.
"I've told him that I love him and we need to work on communication"
How can you do that OP, when he feels you don't care what he thinks or that you haven't understood. OP you seem to be burying your head in the sand of emotion and want him to do that too but it sounds to me like he's not that type of guy, he sounds like he needs it to be practical too, he needs logical solutions to this and he needs someone who will take his opinion seriously. Instead of listening to him you brush off the arguments as petty and you don't take him seriously when he says they're not. I had an ex like that before and she cried and pleaded with me to just forget all our issues and just live on emotion alone but I couldn't. We just weren't on the same page at all. I need a person who understands me, is willing to sit down and discuss problems and think of practical solutions. She just wanted to forget about them and bask in glory of our love but it's never enough. Her solution to everything was to just brush everything off and nothing ever got solved.
Instead of trying to communicate with him and figure out whether he's right or not you want him to forget about them and sweep them under the carpet too. How is that communication?
OP you have to face what he is saying to you, listen and not try and avoid the issue.
He's telling you he's on his way out of this relationship and instead of actually listening you "just want enjoy our time together".
OP by not facing up to what he is telling you, you are actively ruining your relationship, by not discussing this fully and trying understand his point, you're losing him.
Enjoying your time together is not more important than facing the tough questions. They can't be left unanswered.
You have to understand that emotions alone are not going to make a relationship work, it has to be practical too. You have to be on the same wave-length and if he's telling you that's not the case then you're really not going to get to that point if you keep avoiding the issue and trying to make him see that it's "special". Special is nothing OP, it's an emotion and it's not going to ease his mind or solve the issues he thinks you have.
I have to say from the outside there are a hell of a lot signs of incompatibility and you need to examine those things and fix them if you want to keep him.
It's a very bad sign that you argue over things that he thinks you should do a certain way OP. That kind of thing can be incredibly difficult to get past. It means after 8 months he still doesn't like how you do certain things, it means after all this time he wants to change things about you and I have to say that's a massive sign of incompatibility.
Be careful here OP. As much as you don't want to lose him I fear you don't actually have him in the way you think you do.
So it's time you sat down and had a serious chat with this guy. You are already losing him so you should be more scared of saying nothing to him. The time to act is now, it may not be salvageable OP but it's the best chance you've got.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): Your boyfriend seems to be very controlling, giving you massive hints about ending the relationship. You seem to be caught in a communication cycle where you anxiously seek his approval, and he in return is very negative and critical of you. In other words, "you can't win." This man is bad for your self esteem. Pluck up the courage, end the relationship. Remain positive and I'm sure you will meet someone more deserving of you. Good luck.
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