A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Basicly I was with a woman I truly cared for. We loved each other to death. We have matching tattoos on our hands on our ring finger. We were engaged for over a year now and known each other for 6 years. We have been through everything together. I have always been there and she has been there for me. A year after we got engaged she was having trouble finding work, I was in school and working. Turns out she got Pregnant. She wasn't ready to be a mom, It just wasn't our time. We decided it would be best to get rid of it and make sure when the time comes we will be better parents. She didn't fight it, It she wanted to really keep it I would've let her.After the process She was devistated. She didnt talk much about it. We waited in the office for 6 hours and took 2 hours to get there. She didnt really make it look like she was against it. After this things were ok. No real fighting or anything, just normal like before. Then randomly she leaves. She said she was going to her uncles to get a job since he owned a place. She called me everyday, she sent me photos, wrote me emails. She always said how much she misses me. and things were going good, she was working hard.After four months I get calls from her uncle and other people. She told everyone she hated me and lied about me being this horrid person. She's been with other men the entire time she's been gone. She's telling nearly everyone that i wasn't in the picture.All the photos she sent she had the ring on but she never wore it. Her current BF knew everything about me cuz she talked to him. She was playing and turning everyone against each other. So he came to me. He is a good guy, he stopped dating her after he found out.She left because she got drunk and did pills and had sex with two men. She left because because she was ashamed and wanted to better herself and it just all fell apart. I clearly remember her asking me that if I wanted her to come back I need to tell her and she would give it all up. But I wasn't going to make her quit her job, she was signing up for school and everything. But now when i look at it , it looked like she was trying to ask me to save her because she was messing up and couldn't tell me. She planed to come back after we got everyone into a room. She was destroying her life and everything she worked for. She admits to needing some help and guidance and I was prepared because that Abortion really took a toll on her and myself. She doesn't feel wanted anymore. I went home and she started looking for work transfers and I paid down rent on a place we can live together. Few days later she stops calling me when she says she will. She stops responding to her phone. Turns out she's been dating another guy who also knows everything and he just doesn't care.Some guy that got her drunk so he can make a move on her. I talked to her about it for 2 hours and she broke down. She said she doesn't want to be with him and that she could never love him like me. She says that she never wants to have anyone's kid but mine buts shes afraid she will hurt me. She begged me to not stop loving her and not stop believing in her but its getting hard. The next day, Today shes thinking about staying with him because she really likes him.I don't know what to think. he said he won't be with her unless she drops me. She won't as from what everyone knows she Loves me but I'm being torn to peices. He doesn't care about her. He willing takes advantage of her body and self esteem issues when her heart is with me. I said I would be there at her lowest low and highest high when I proposed, But I'm in so much pain right now. its like she keeps reaching out wanted to be with me again then keeps doing the opposite.I'm so lost, This woman was really my world. this isn't her. I feel like its all my fault, I killed my child and now I'm losing the woman of my dreams. She inspired me, she made me laugh, She was like that best friend to me, we were so close. Its like I broke her, like I killed everything that was her.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 December 2010):
 They gave her a photo? That's real malicious. You are right though. It's difficult, and you do carry it with you. I was 17 when my ex had an abortion. I know the pain that remains, the thought that run through your mind, and the pain the woman goes through. I sat by her side day after day for at least a month when all she could do is cry. This was forced on her by her parents, with the fear of being disowned if she didn't go through with the procedure. At 19 we did have a son, who began his first year of college this year, but there is still that part of you that wonders if the decision was made differently.
My ex-fiance was someone who'd been taken advantage of and raped more than once. I know the behavior changes that take place when someone goes through that level of trauma. Before her, my ex girlfriend had been through hell. She'd been stabbed by an ex at 15, burned when she was bed ridden, and 6 months after their child was born, her ex threw their daughter down the stairs, snapping her neck and killing her instantly. She was also raped and abused by her father and brother from 8 to age 14. These experiences have been my inspiration in researching mental trauma and the best methods of releasing the affect of traumatic experience.
My ex's are beautiful women, that their sense of being has been destroyed by the acts of others. They live a fear based reality, and the trauma produced abnormal personalities that create a fantasy reality, where reality is to difficult to face. Both my ex-fiance and ex-girlfriend have been diagnosed with border-line personality disorder. Look it up and see if those characteristics match with what she is going through. It is reason why I brought up neuro-linguistics programming or hypno-therapy. Traditional counseling has shown less than 2% with these traumatic disorders receive treatment that does anything to that affect, unless placed on different medications. They tap into the subconscious where the trauma is housed, and can reduce the intensity of the experience. It doesn't eliminate it, but how trauma works is it begins small like an abscess and grows until its affect peeks its way from the subconscious to conscious state of mind. Then unwanted personalities and perceptions are developed, which is part why "only feels good about herself Through sex and fears telling the truth, it really is." is happening to her and affecting you.
Your right. It's sad when women go through this trauma and become someone that it's evident that they are not. You didn't let her down. Those from her past who hurt her took away from her true self. That's not something you could have prevented, or changed. With my ex's, I wish I had met them before they were hurt, feeling the desire that I would have protected them. In reality, I did the best I could by them, and I treated them in a way that they were not use to being treated. In a way they were grateful, but also feared that it was to good to be true, or that they didn't deserve being treated better than how they viewed themselves.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for posting. LoveGirl The word you were looking for was "Toxicity" I think.
I thank you for your directness and I agree strongly on Alot of your points, I also cant fully agree on some. But thats my fault because I really didnt explain her personality to you. Alot of the things she has done is wrong. Alot of them are shameful and she fully awares. Her problems root even deeper than the Abortion. She basicly grew up being used and didnt care about herself. She was raped and her mother said she deserved it. Family was trash so she dosnt know how to be around good ppl, just those who try to use her because shes always been used. Overall Shes a great person, Its a shame when a Woman only feels good about herself Through sex and fears telling the truth, it really is. I was that one person who really cared about her and its like I let her down. But enough on that.
We both need help, we both know that. As its hard on both of us, I cant imagine her pain as a woman. We both want this to work but we both are afraid and hurt. I saw abortion as any other normal guy would. But now that it happened I realize it isnt just a choice, Its a Burden. I have to carry the Burden of knowing I killed my child willingly. Im not one for Faith and I never saw a fetus as something more but after this it tears at you. Its a connection to a new life that I made the choice to remove from this world.
The worst part of this Whole situation was after the operation was done they gave her a photo of it. I mean seriously. she walks out of the office in tears with that damn photo in hand.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 December 2010):
I agree with the other posters. There are huge psychological factors after an abortion. I have counseled women who received abortions 10-30 years ago who still feel guilty and it's still affecting their lives. From her actions, and how she went from being fairly balanced to unstable, I will take a stab to say she is suffering from having the abortion and may be suffering from a post-traumatic type disorder. It's basically out of your control, while she's out of control, in a manner of speaking.
You too have been traumatized by all of this. You can't sleep, and the way you wake up in the middle of the night. These are signs of post-traumatic affect as well. Her mind could not pinpoint where the pain comes from, therefore you were there for her blame. I want you to understand this. In the state of mind you are both in, neither one of you is any good for the other. This is not to say that you couldn't be, but at this moment it is evident that these traumatic events are your controller. That must change before any light within each other can be seen.
I strongly urge you to seek help. You can seek counseling to have someone to unload to, but I recommend you set an appointment with someone who's practice includes neuro-linguistic programming, or hypno-therapy. Those areas have been found to be more affective in treating trauma and can do so in a much shorter period of time. They work directly with how the traumatic experience has been programmed. It's not to eliminate knowing what has happened, they reduce the strength and hold the trauma has over your life now.
Your world has been turned upside down. Don't let what has happened determine who you are or who you become. What happened, happened. You can't change that, but you can change you and in doing so life will start making sense again. You will need to stop focusing on her though. You can't change her, or force her to. You can change you, and if at some point she decides to get help and make changes as well, maybe you'll be there with advice on where she can begin.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Dear OP I am going to try and be as direct as possible so please do not take offense.
I really admire you. Really I do. W.R.T the abortion. YOU did what was right at that time. You both were not ready for a kid. You are both young and if you wanted to better yourself then the abortion was the only solution. I have more respect for people choosing to terminate the pregnancy than someone bring a baby into this world with an unstable mother. And that is what she is. This woman is holding this abortion over your head to run wild, go from man to man and still lie to you about loving you. She is a liar and a cheater and she is making u feel guilty and bad. She needs to get over herself. With her utter disgraceful behaviour do u think she is/was fit to rear a kid. People 'mourn' in many ways becoming a common tart is not one of them!
The abortion is just an excuse for her to carry on her wayward ways. She is blaming you, she is running u down by people, she is destroying your good character. To me this is despicable.
I read of your intense pain. Termination/abortion is not a dirty word. It is a necessity in certain circumstances. It was a necessity in yours. This woman is destroying you and you are letting her use emotional abuse against you.
At this very moment u are in a toxic relationship. She will not change. She will still go out and party and f*ck any man she wants to. Please realise this. The only way for you to break free from her is to stop all communication from her. Show me a man who takes back a common harlot. Sorry I am not being offensive but can you really see what she is doing to you? This woman needs to get over herself and she needs to stop torturing you. Yes she is torturing you.
Remember she left you. She is long gone and not once has she apologised for her common behaviour. Next time she wants a pity party and she invites u to it, ask her what kind of role model would she have been to that unborn kid. In fact You did that fetus a favour by doing the only right thing at the moment.
Running around with different men sends out a message loud and clear: she doesn't care who she is hurting, and OP the only person is YOU. U are the only one hurting.
I am glad you suggested counselling. Get help for yourself . Get help so that you remove this toxic person from your life. You did nothing wrong in telling her to terminate. I repeat you did what was right at that time.
You are currently feeling helpless. It is ok. Do u want to have a cry. That's ok too. You also need to heal. Her treatment of you borders on abuse. ENOUGH! She has hurt you for the last time. Get rid of this woman. Yes u had good times but the bad has overshadowed the good. Please realise that your (ex) gf is on her own mission, her own destructive mission. If she doesn't choose to redeem herself then that is her problem.
She destroyed your relationship. She has a new boyfriend and she made this decision. Do Not put your life on hold for her anymore. Take charge, make changes in your life to get rid of her. Enough of the pity party. Enough of the guilt trip. Enough of crucifying you bec of the abortion. Enough of your torture.
You are a good man. You are a honourable man but you now need to take care of yourself. You deserve it and you need to believe it.
You should never have toxic people in your life bringing you down. Get rid of the destruction and the toxic influence. Take back your pride, your dignity and take back your power. Cry your last few cries and then slowly heal and emerge a better you.
I am sorry if you feel I am harsh. I just feel very strongly about your situation. YOU have suffered too much at the hands of this woman and I say No More! Please seek help for Yourself and you get your life together. You have done all you can for the ex. Let her live her own life but you make a decision to walk away from her toxicness(?) Of this relationship.
Start going out with friends and family start making your life count. Believe you are a good man and believe you are worth it.
Good Luck OP. I wish you well.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont know what to think. Its so hurtful Knowing she can sleep with someone else. I understand that Shes hurt and is doing what makes her feel good for that moment, but it isnt the way. We both talked about getting her and I help but of course she isnt, shes too busy with the new guy. he is basicly playing Good guy and "Being there". Its like she had 5 months to "Get over" me, while I thought we were together! I understand her pain. I have trouble sleeping, I wake up randomly and start crying and im not the crying type. I cant even keep it together anymore.
I just want her to tell me its all right and to be there. Everyday I cant stop thinking about what would that child have been like, how happy wouldve we have been, Everything. I feel like a monster. Deep down the only reason I didnt kill myself was because she was talking to me and i thought we were working through everything. I worked so hard , After we first broke up back in highschool I dated 16 other woman and i couldnt do it. I gave up or broke down because they were not her. It sucks that i have to be one of the few guys left who believes in true love.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Abortion is a very big issue. Pro choice or Pro life? Religion or science? Very big issues.
Most couples after getting an abortion usually separate or split up because of the emotional and psychological factors and the guilt and remorse.
There are several websites that will give you information on the subject, your girlfriend sounds like she might be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder associated with having an abortion done. It's a very trying and emotional experience (as I'm sure you already know.)
If you really want to be in a relationship with her, then you need to talk to her about how you feel about the abortion and make sure to tell her you love her. She more than likely needs to talk to someone, a professional (as you might want to as well) about what had went on.
I wish you both the best. Everything happens for a reason. Talk with her. I'm sure she will appreciate your honesty.
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