A
female
age
36-40,
*adAsh6705
writes:I would like some opinions on an idea for a gift this Christmas...it is for a special guy that I have my eye on, but as circumstances have us living far apart, I have been trying to come up with something that is original and kind of sweet in a lighthearted way that shows how much I like him. I have written him a poem and decided to get him a journal and a nice pen and I am going to write my poem on the first page which goes like this:All in one nightI found what I needed;All at once I felt no fear,but what can I do when you're so far away from here?If only it could be that simple;I'm too hopeful for my own good,and how can it bewhen your world is so far from here?Alone in thought,so far behind;This town don't feel right anymore;Now I sleep and dream of somewhere far away from here.It's hard to know what you are thinking,but one thing I do have is time;Some things don't change;to my heart you will always be near.and then on the next page I will write:Now you finish the story....WHAT DO YOU THINK?? I want to know if the poem is good or if it is too serious or what you would think if someone sent this to you???
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 I think you can definatly tell its from the heart and that's always a good thing and I think your gift idea is amazing and I would love to receive something like that; I think that it is a little serious and you might want to inject some levity into it.
I dont understand the last two lines at all or more accurately I dont think they fit:
"Some things don't change;
to my heart you will always be near"
I get this and its a nice idea...but how does that then lead to this?
"and then on the next page I will write:"
What are you writing on the next page because your next line conveys completley the opposite idea...
"Now you finish the story...."
I like this as a way to finish and think its appropiate given the gift. I think you could use the last three lines to convey some positive depth of sentiment which you do but then wander off onto writing the next page...also can I suggest you use the word 'continue' not finish because to me finish is rather final and a little negative where as continue is more upbeat and optimistic. Hope i've helped.
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