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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: The family tells her they want a certain brand of food, but she buys bargain brands that don’t taste good, a taste that requires another to kill the awful taste.She goes and buys supplies for building plotted plants. The fertilizer is such that produces pests, such as gnats. So now, we gnats flying an 1/8 inch from your eyes and nose, with every so often breathing one into your nose. The next time she builds plotted plants, she uses the same products again. She also refuses to correct the problem. Apparently it is now my job.Why is intimacy to her means describing every minute detail of a subject matter, down to the pin point accuracy, like noticing a stain under the flap of the collar?Why is physical intimacy always a man’s job? Problem is, the man has to hear how he has sex on the brain.When there is a slow down in the romance department, why is it that when a man brings gifts, or does something special, she automatically sees he wants sex, and that she feels like a piece of meat? I think guys hear and experience enough of this, they no longer become interested in there partner.How can a man speak to a woman so she is not offended and feel as if this change will change her as an individual? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 She doesn't sound real "tuned in" to other people's needs or very receptive to new information, huh? Sometimes when people are always looking for a hidden motive behind your behavior it's because they have hidden motives themselves and I believe her deliberate way of "marching to the beat of a different drum" is actually passive-aggressive, if not sabotaging. They say the best way to turn someone around and start giving/compromising more is to actually do this yourself first. Maybe gift giving isn't her "thing" and maybe telling her what she cooks tastes fabulous is or complimenting her potted plants. Maybe she'll be more receptive to "improvement" when she feels like what she does is up to par. I'm not knocking you at all, I'd be at my wit's end if I were in your shoes. Are there bigger issues here from the past?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 "You Just Don't Understand! Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen PhD. Good stuff in there! Women want context, men want result, with summary only if needed...
I can't help with the shopping/potted plants though. I guess they are the straws, eh? Pick your battles, I guess.
I hear you, and I'm quite sure my husband has several gripes about me!
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A
female
reader, Twirly  + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 Why is it that a man would put up with this?
Why is that people can forget that they are a whole person in charge of their own lives and not simply one half of a couple?
Why is it that people moan and yet do nothing to change the things they moan about?
Put your foot down!
You don't like the food? Buy your own.
Don't like the woman? Get divorced.
Don't like your life? Change it.
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (7 May 2008):
Does the family budget necessitate buying bargain foods? Does she exclusively handle the finances? If so you may want to take a peek at your budget, there might be an actual reason for it. She may not allot enough of the budget to your groceries, in which case you might together need to sit down and redo your budget. If its totally unnecessary your wife might be a bit of a miser. So you may have to set her down and talk to her, and yes listen to her feelings. Some people really fear poverty or they were taught to be bargain hunters by their parents, talking about it can help but it can be a hard habit to break. Are you willing to shop for the groceries would she even let you? Have you asked her if she enjoys the bargain foods?
I have no idea about the fertilizer that's just bizarre but some people will buy the same brand over and over when it doesn't work. I don't get it either. Are you okay with handling the plants? Maybe you could buy and she could plant? Surely she doesn't enjoy gnats lol
Maybe your wife is secretly a masochist :-P Are secretly trying to torture you till you take on more household responsibility. If she works full-time and so do you, you should commit to doing half. If you are already doing that and then some, she may just not realize all you do. It's funny how couples almost never do. Tell her in that case you feel under appreciated and taken for granted, do not bring up a score board where you've been keeping tally of her versus you.
Some ladies do like to talk, myself included...so I can't say anything. It's pretty much science that women speak more then men. You could try setting aside some time to talk about your day, but like only say an hour or, however, long you can take at once. If she's not letting you get a word in edgewise you've got to tell her, tell her you enjoy sharing with her as well and want to include her in your life and interests. My husband always lets me know when he hasn't the attention span and when he does feel I've been letting him talk
Intimacy isn't only a man's job. I initiate sex really more than my husband lol Explain to her that you'd like her to take more initiative and show more interest and if she does reward her with more foreplay or whatever she likes. Make sure to ask what she likes and open up the dialogue about sex its important. Sometimes men skip to the *good part* for them and forget about anything else.
That romance thing I can say I have never once thought my husband was fishing for sex when he gave me flowers. He's also never expected sex as a reward for any reason, if you ever have then it'll take a while for her to get that out of her thinking. Did she grow up with some chauvinistic assholes or have some shitty boyfriends are something? Is so you know you'll have to talk to her again listen to her and explain its unfair to generalize all me in that way. That what they did was pretty crappy but you are not them, and she needs to see you as an individual. How about giving her massages setting aside romantic time, doing something she enjoys and then expecting nothing in return. My husband has a low sex drive, I've learned for him to feel like I am not just using him for sex (b/c he thinks I am sometimes), I do have to give without expecting, so I massage him and such, he also needs to feel listened too, and I can't be pressuring him for sex otherwise he'll get that in his head.
I prefer honesty myself and since women are more verbal I understand my husband better when he talks it out and isn't so concise, one word out of my husband's mouth can have 50 different meanings and seriously sometimes I have no idea what he's trying to say to me, I have ask him to elaborate.
How to fight fair some tips
Do not use words like always or never, ala don't exaggerate
Do not keep bringing up the past everyone hates
that only talk about the present situation.
You should stick to one point at a time too much is overwhelming.
Allow feedback though sometimes you have to ask a person to wait till you've completed a thought, if you lose track a lot.
Have specific recent examples of problem behaviors
Don't compare her to anyone else or speak about stereotypes (if you don't want her later stereotyping you or having a full out gender war, don't start off why do women do this blah blah, its why does she, never compare people to the parents unless they like really adore their parents but most people hate it and certainly not exes!!!)
Listen to her, don't interrupt when she's speaking
Don't yell, you can be saying I love you but if you bark it at her, its sounds like a threat or insult
Don't just wait your turn to talk
Don't use inflammatory words do not call her bitch or say things deliberately to hurt her
Remember if you get too fired up you can stop and take a moment to calm down. Just let her know you need a moment, that you are too fired up to think objectively at this time
Sorry it got long...I'm a woman lol
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