A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a small group of close friends that I socialize with regularly and we're mostly all about the same age range (40s) - and I'm 46. A while back one of the friends started bringing around another friend (they're both nurses and work together) and she has become part of the group - she's 26.This girl, who I will call "L", has fit in well and is completely accepted in our group. "L" is very attractive and much more mature than other women I know that are in their 20s. She and I have become particularly close and, encouraged by others in the group who know us both, we have started dating. We have a great time together and there is no awkwardness about our ages when we're together. We have talked about the age gap and just agreed it's a non-issue to us.With that being said, I'm concerned about the appearance - particularly to my children. I have two daughters, 17 and 21, the oldest of which lives with me. For obvious reasons I have not told my children that I am seeing a woman who is just a few years older than them. "L" does not stay the night at my house unless I know neither of my kids will be there. Instead we usually stay at her place if we have a night together. She does not have any children of her own.We are not "serious" in that there is no talk of marriage or children or anything, really. We're both just enjoying each other. It's not a sugar-daddy thing and it's not a "creepy old man" thing either, at least not from my perspective.I guess my question is, should I be concerned about our 20-year age difference? Should I be concerned about it with respect to my daughters, or really to anybody? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): Just to put my two penny worth in...
I was 21 when I started seeing a man of 40. He was fit, fitter than me in fact. He was a fireman, so he had to be. We got on. We liked the same things. He introduced me to walking, which I've loved ever since. We went to craft and antique fairs every weekend, which we both enjoyed. He had been married and had got two children who were fifteen and nineteen when we were introduced. I was probably 22 by then. They were both males.
I don't remember either of us worrying about what his children would think. They accepted me and we all got along fine. He came to know my parents, who could see that he was an alright guy. We were together for five years and lived together for three. I have never wanted children of my own so that was never a problem.
The only times I remember feeling the age gap was when I was with MY friends and he was there.
My friends would be a bit uncomfortable. They didn't act the way they usually did. It was as if their Dad was in the room. I remember feeling a little embarrassed about the fact that I was dating someone so much older than me. But it was never an issue when we were alone or with families.
I eventually met someone else who I fancied a lot. I had great sex with my older boyfriend, but maybe I knew somewhere that it wasn't forever.
I don't think I ever intended to stay with him long term. As I said we had great sex, enjoyed our leisure time together very much and rarely had words. But I think the age difference meant that, for me, he was Mr Right Now and not Mr Right.
Maybe hearing about my experience from the younger woman's side might help you to know what to do. But every situation is different. If you feel that your relationship with this woman is worth the fall out that you might get when she and your children are introduced, then go for it. Although I have never been one to pander to the children. They will go live their own lives and do whatever it is that they want to do. If you don't make the age gap a big thing, then they may not either. But I do think it's a very good thing that you don't stay the night together where your children are. I think that would make it harder for them to take.
I would be more focused on the fact that it will probably be you who is kicked to the kerb at some point. And when that happens that your children may still be sore with you.
But all this is just speculation. NO one knows what will happen. If you can cope with the worse case scenario, that she may well leave you in future and you may have children whose perception of you has changed, then go for it.
Hope it works out for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): Would you be happy if your 21 year old daughter entered into a serious relationship with a 41 year old man?I ask this because I am torn between hoping that I am a very open minded person - I do try to be - and wondering if I fail utterly in so being, because some part of me just finds this situation creepy; not just the age difference, but the way that you don't seem to want to properly face up to the bigger picture surrounding this or the implications on you or her (and anyone else involved). It's like you are turning a blind eye and come very close to trying to shirk moral responsibility for staring the situation in the face, and you use other people's responses to help you to do the former, rather than the latter. For example, you say:She was "completely accepted in our group"and that you were "encouraged by others in the group who know us both"THIS suggests to me that you are using other people's responses as a way to excuse looking more closely at your own values and your own doubts and sense of morality. When you then say: "For obvious reasons I have not told my children that I am seeing a woman who is just a few years older than them", this simply drives home that you ARE aware that there are objectionable issues going on here, but you are trying to use the responses of others not to look into these objections.On top of this you state that there is "no awkwardness between us" regarding your age differences - well, of course there won't be, if the two of you, for whatever reasons, are simply blotting out or refusing to look into the bigger picture - you have effectively found excuses to create a 'bubble' for yourselves. She undoubtedly WILL have father issues and you - sorry to say - simply want to feel younger and carefree - you are getting the proverbial 'ego boost' just around the time of the proverbial male, mid-life crisis. You say that she is mature for her age BUT are you really a suitable judge of how mature she is, given how you are behaving? Are your friends suitable judges either? I don't think you understand what emotional maturity is - or you don't want to, because you've already delayed really growing up emotionally and hide that fact from yourself.Emotional maturity begins by looking at the part of yourself that KNOWS that your kids' responses would force you to grow up and look for a woman far closer to your own age, one who does not have Daddy issues and won't let you fool yourself about yourself or her. I not only suggest you end it with this woman, but question yourself about why you are hanging out with people who encouraged you and her into a relationship with such a huge age gap - so that they could seem open minded and cool? I doubt any of them really thought it through in much depth. Your friends may not be quite the friends you thought they were.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2018): From a selfish point of view, yes, it’s great to have a fling with a beautiful young woman, with no serious commitment. But. But I think you are a responsible individual and yes, you really do need to be seriously asking yourself these questions. And even though you say you are not ‘serious’, I would bet my bottom dollar that you care about her, a lot. Then the question you didn’t ask here, probably the key question, is “How should I be concerned about Lady L’s future? Seriously, can Lady L have a future with me?” You must very seriously consider this question, and if the answer is “NO”, then you should act like a gentleman and stop playing with her. Get out of the way and let her find another man with whom she can have a future. And do it sooner rather than later, because the longer this carries on, the more hurt there is going to be when it ends. Be a gentleman and do the right thing.On the other hand if the answer is “Yes”, then you and Lady L together will eventually have to address the other questions that you raise. Personally, I think that at 46 and 26 the age difference is too great.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 October 2018):
 I think since it's NOT serious right now, there is NO need to to inform your kids.
Now you CAN say you are seeing someone but that it's not serious and when you feel it IS getting serious you will introduce them to each other (though... I DO suggest that IF it gets serious... that you give you "kids" a heads up that she Is much younger or it will not end will.)
Will some people find it a little creepy that you are dating someone barely older than your "kids"? Sure. I have seen it with two of my nieces who dated guys 20 years older... neither were very even relationships. They both seemed a little... "parent/kid'ish" to me. But really, none of my business as the nieces were both grown women.
Will it work out long term? Well.. who knows? It might not due to the age difference or more because of the different stages in life experience, income, careers, family etc. She doesn't have any kids now.. but she might WANT some in a few years, then what? You going to have another set of children? 20+ years younger than your "first batch"?
However, that may or may not happen - I'd say enjoy what you have, just don't become a "caretaker" for her - one who pays her bills or pays for everything all the time when out and about.
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