A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I need to run some marriage interference? Protection? Not sure how to put it.My wife and I are both in our late 30's. Married almost 20 years, we got married shortly after high school. We have 3 wonderful children and love each other so much. 2 weekends ago, we were invited to a costume party. I didn't want to go because I think it's weird to have a costume party when it's not Halloween, but my wife talked me into going, so we both went. It was at some friends of ours who bought a very large house and had just completely renovated it. We showed up and almost instantly I saw this guy dressed like I don't know what. He looked like an elf, I think he was supposed to be someone from Harry Potter or something. He was wearing tight leotards, and barefoot, with some crazy kind of top. He was in I guess his mid 20's and very good looking. I started laughing at him (not out loud, just to my wife) I said there is one total gay. My wife said, no he's not, I know him,, his name is B.. and he used to date J.. but I don't see her here, maybe they broke up or something. We stayed at the party and had fun. My wife and I don't stick together at parties, we kind of mingle and keep meeting up to gossip about the other people there. After a while, I went looking for her, and she was down in the basement which the party hosters had refinished into a kind of rec-room, but with a cement floor, they had set it up as a dance floor for the party and there was my wife dancing with B.. Now, she had been talking to him all night on and off, and I have no problem with that. I don't even have a problem with her dancing with another guy, but either of us are going to dance with someone else we mention it to the other. I stayed at the entrance to the room, and the music went into a slow song. My wife danced with B.. and it was a little too much grinding for me, but I stayed where I was. When the dance was over, I noticed that B.. had a big erection in his tights. He also didn't appear to be wearing any underwear but I didn't look real close.I'm not the jealeous type, so I didn't say anything, I just acted like I just came downstairs and went over to her and said lets go upstairs and mingle before we leave. Problem over. I thought.After roaming around the party for a while, I got a phone call from a work client, so I told my wife to go hang out for a few minutes, then we can decide if we're leaving or not. When I went to look for her, my wife and B.. were just walking back to the deck from the back of the backyard. I asked her why they were back there, and she said B.. wanted to smoke a joint (my wife doesn't) and he didn't want to do it by the house, so she just walked to the trees in the back of the yard with him for a few minutes while he smoked-up. I'm not liking that, we don't do drugs, but I'm still thinking, OK, just drop it.The other day my wife came to me and said that B.. called her. It seems that he lied to the hostess and said my wife dropped an earring and he wanted to call her to arrange to return it. A total lie, but that's how he got her phone number. Anyway, she said he asked he if they could get together and talk some more, he really enjoyed his company. My wife said she told him that maybe her husband, her, and him could talk next time someone had a party. She even told him that next time we had a BBQ or something at his house she would call him to invite him. Well, he called again yesterday, my wife didn't answer her phone, but had saved the number in her contacts, so she knew it was B...Do we (or I specifically) need to worry? I trust my wife, but I obviously don't trust this guy. And I do think my wife went too far, not cheating, but slow dancing and giving him an erection I think went over the top. I didn't tell my wife that I saw her dancing with him because I didn't think it was a big deal, she was just enjoying the attention of a 20 something hot guy, and I thought innocently. But now that he is calling her. Do I tell her what I saw and make sure there is nothing there? Or, do I call him and make it clear I will kill him if he bothers my wife?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): Mr. B didn't cause this problem so leave Mr. B along, your wife is the one to set this straight and let her know that you will not tolerate her slow dancing with another man, she needs to show you more respect than that, I know that pissed you off because I would have been pissed too but do not make threats.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 April 2012):
 Talk to your wife and be honest.
The whole crap with "I trust her but not him" doesn't work. Either you trust HER or you don't. I doubt B and his magic broomstick in leotards is going to make her cheat unless she CHOOSES to. He doesn't have a magic dick. As simple as that.
Don't drag him into to this, that will only make you look like an ass. TALK to your wife, after all YOU are married to HER, not him.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Don't worry yourself about this, that is not good for you. You have acted like a complete gentleman throughout the situation.I think the first thing you should do is to simply let your wife know that you are not comfortable with this situation. She probably doesn't realise. You could mention the dancing, but don't make a big deal about it.You have perceived that you wife has given him an erection, but without me being too abstract, understand that your wife was only dancing with him. His erection was his problem.I am not certain, but your wife may have saved his number in her contacts so that she can identify him and choose whether or not to answer to his calls.I am sure that your wife feels flattered that she has caught the attention of this young man, I certainly would have, but remember that you trust her, so that needn't be an issue. I don't blame you for not trusting the guy, but don't phone him and make threats. I doubt that will have any good outcome.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2012):
 As she's the one who knows him, why not let her set the boundaries? Calling him and threatening to kill him on the basis of one dirty dance and a couple of phone calls seems to be a bit, um, on the overkill side. Let her deal with him, if you've been married 20 some odd years and are deeply in love, there's no issue there, right?
If you are feeling uncomfortable, just talk to her about it. Tell her that you feel this guy is crossing a boundary that makes you unhappy with the situation. The fact this guy is smoking weed which is against your values is another reason to add to the 'avoid' pile. By the way, as I understand it, men can have erections looking at the underwear ads in the paper, so that's not really your wife's issue. If the guy hadn't been wearing tights you never would have know it.
If you two have decided in the past that dirty dancing with someone else isn't okay, then you can remind her of this mutual decision.
It doesn't need to be a dramatic confrontation, just a simple, calm, loving discussion about boundaries. After 20 years, you should both know where those are.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): My opinion, as a formerly married man, is that the only person you need to talk to about this is your wife. If it were me, I'd put her on notice that she's being too friendly, things have gotten inappropriate, and she needs to make it clear to this guy that she's married and cut all contact with him. A happily married woman will get hit on, all women do - albeit some more than others. It's how she reacts that matters.
The fact that you feel compelled to say something to this guy tells me you aren't comfortable with your wife's actions. You need to address this with her, not him.
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