A
male
age
41-50,
*lick
writes:I am a 33 year old just separated 5 months ago (see my previous questions) with a kid that has started dating a girl about 2 months ago and has fallen for her.Since break up I have been getting together with a few wonderful women without getting too attached. My objective was to slowly find one girl to try to set a family with that matched certain "criterias" for a good nurturing stable mother.But the girl I fall for its truly all over the place and ongoing and has her life with lots of things going on and a relationship seems to be just a bit of puzzle in it. And I am not even sure that she wants to have a family.She is of age for a family as she is about to turn 28.I am not sure how to read her. We see each other almost everyday, have sex once or twice a week but I almost have to beg her to stay at least once a week to sleep over for the night together. I regularly propose to spend the week ends together but she alway has other things to do and in general its really hard to get together unless I go out of my way. I have to say that this bothers me as a luck of commitment on her part. I am definitely too needy probably because of the recent break up and as I am used to live with a woman so I miss that. This behavior of her pushes me to spend time with other women to fill the gap when she is not there. And I feel is not right.I know 2 months its truly short, but life is short, so what can I do. I know its bad at this stage to push things and ask her even in a vague way wether she wants to have a family, but I feel I don't want to get deeper in it and discover after months or years thats we have different life objectives and so on. What shall I do? Shall I just take it as it comes and enjoy our relationship developing, or start ask questions in a non force full way? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I think some women want to be pursued, but not obsessed over. I like it when a man takes an interest in me and shows that he wants to be with me. However, I don't like someone who has to know my every move and thought every hour of the day.
I don't think anyone was saying you shouldn't communicate with her everyday and be expressive in wanting to do things, but you have to realize that not all women want what you want. Not all women have the same time schedule as you when it comes to getting serious, wanting to do things, or having sex. Whoever said that she may not want chilren and the "family thing" (think it was Cerberus) is right. Let's face it, some women don't even want to get married...we want companionship, but we want our own lives.
Why don't you have a serious talk with her and see what she is thinking? But, you need to be diplomatic and non-threatening. After that, if you feel she doesn't want the same things you want out of life, then it may be time to move on. You seem to be agitated with the answers people have given here and you are agitated with her. The issue is...you cannot make other people be on your time schedule and you cannot force other people to think like you think. We all think differently.
It sounds to me like you just want someone to be a family woman and tend to your needs and your child's needs, but it doesn't work that way. If this isn't the woman for you, I honestly think you should just move on.
A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (21 September 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the question I am not married. And I already gave a chance 2 years ago when we broke up. Its been only 5 month but really a lot more than that, that my past relationship did not work.Beyond this, thanks for the feedbacks, even if some are a bit bordeline. I agree with all of it. The more needy I am the more I will drive her away and somehow this has been happening in the last few days.So even if it goes against my very affectionate and wanting to be together nature when I like someone I will try let her be, not contact her all the time to see her but let her get in touch with me when she wants. Even if I think this is not very smart as in the end I think a girl wants to be courted and pursued even if logically and coldly one might write on a forum that one needs its space.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (20 September 2012):
 You have been separated a bare 5 months and are still a long way from being divorced and thus legally, as well as emotionally, REALLY free to start dating other women. What if your wife contests the divorce? Suppose she were to decide she wanted to make another attempt at making your marriage work?
The young woman you are now seeing CLEARLY isn't interested in starting a family - at least not with you, and not at this stage of your very early separation. What self-respecting woman would want, in any case, to be courted just because her "boyfriend" sees her as a potential provider of children for him? Not many, I'll be bound - besides which, having sex so often results in an unplanned pregnancy where the man then ditches her having had no intention all along of having a child, and footing the bill to support it for the next twenty years.
You might tell us that you'd never do that. But, just think about it: suppose you continue dating her and sleeping with her and she gets pregnant and THEN at some point down the road you both find you're not really compatible for the long term? Then what?
Besides your lack of legal freedom you've only been seeing her for two months. That is NO TIME whatsoever for her - or you - to even begin to have an idea as to whether she wants a commitment with you. As for you, you can't stand it so you seek out other women because of your own neediness and insecurity about being on your own.
What should you do? Leave her alone, that's what! Stop bugging her, stop sleeping with her. IF SHE decides she wants to spend more time with you, that's up to her - not you. As for being on your own: man up and get used to it!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): I don't think she wants to be a mother to someone elses child.That's why she doesn't want to stay over and do this whole family thing.
2 months is a very little time to start talking about future even for old times.
You keep on fooling around with other women going through them like you are interviewing for job potential candidates. O, this one is a good mother material, this one is cuter but would she be a good babysitter for my daughter? This one is not that cute but I can still have sex with her why the one who doesn't want to spend weekends together is not around.
Too pragmatical for me. Always categorizing, measuring, making weird plans with complete strangers, that wouldn't be my piece of cake.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 September 2012):
I stopped reading after your first sentence.
You are separated, and for only 5 months. Separated = still married. Take care of one thing before moving on to another.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): OP your goals are all wrong and how you are going about attaining them are all wrong too.
OP there is no woman in the world that looks for a guy to date with the aim of becoming a mother to his child, it doesn't happen, they don't exist, so yes you're trying to force the issue too soon and looking for the wrong things from a woman.
You sound very desperate and needy. It's only been 2 months. That's supposed to be the fun, casual dating stage and all you can talk about is lack of commitment. Which is hilariously ironic seeing as you're with other women too. You want commitment and you can't even commit your time solely to her? Are you crazy? You're playing her OP and keeping your options open, you're not even nearly committed to her because things aren't moving fast enough for you? You really need to calm down and chill out.
You started dating way too soon after your last relationship and what's happened is you're now looking for a direct replacement for your ex who will very quickly fill in the gap that losing her has left in your life. You want a girl to be a mother to your child, a loving exclusive relationship right now. What sane woman wants to jump right into that kind of situation without even getting to know you first?
It sounds to me like you're not ready to date OP and you need to take some away from women so you become an independent man and father again. A man who is not desperate and needy, a man who when he dates does so just because he likes the girl and wants enjoy her company, letting whatever happens, happen.
"I feel I don't want to get deeper in it and discover after months or years thats we have different life objectives and so on."
Too soon for all that kind of talk, she doesn't even know whether being with you next month is part of her life objectives, that's the whole point of dating OP.
I mean come on, you may not even like her in a few weeks after finding out more things about her. You think marriage and being part of a family is enough for her to be a good partner? She wouldn't be dating a single father if that was going to be an issue.
Look, take a break man, you need to get your head together, you're just going to get hurt when women start walking away from you because you expect too much from them too soon, you're going to be constantly disappointed.
This isn't the 1940's OP, dating isn't about vetting a woman to make a good wife. It's about having some fun, some sex, some dates and seeing what happens. If you try to force the issue you'll just push them away.
And OP, don't talk about commitment when you can't even commit to the simple task of only seeing one girl at a time. That's just hypocritical and frankly if this girl does end up being a woman who wants to be with you for the long term, how's she going to feel when she finds out you were seeing other women at the same time? Doesn't exactly make you very good husband material if you can do that.
...............................
A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (20 September 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers, very helpful.
I agree that I am way too needy and that I need to leave her some room, as she is used to be super independent.
About the order of things, well things happened very fast and in a passionate way as we liked each other right away beyond current issues or future plans.
So yes the right approach might have been first to ask those key questions. And yes I also agree that if I ask now its truly weird.
5 months its a lot of time, life is short.
I know happily married friends of mine that have proposed from 3 weeks to 6 months of dating so its hard to say when is the right time. In fact I don't think it is ever, one should just do it and that is the right time.
So all the issues are really with me.
Probably the best thing is to take it as it comes with a open mind and try to understand how the girls is and wether she will be a good match. Leaving her room also leaves me room that I can use to look for other partners that might be better match and if I find them good, if not good.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 September 2012):
 If your objective was to SLOWLY find a girl with whom to ty and set a family...then I must say that you failed the objective. 5 months that you separated, and you have already dated several women, then fallen in love with this one after just two months of casual dating ? ... We must have different notions of slow and fast . Anyway I think you'll have to have some more patience. Is it true ,as BondGirl says, that asking the right questions saves everybody lots of time and misunderstandings, but IMO asking these questions after only two months and a bunch of dates could send any sensible , and apparently not particularly head over heels, woman running for the hills. It smacks of needy, a bit desperate, and ultimately is not very flattering for the girl. I suppose she may want to be loved and cherished for herself , not because she would make an acceptable stepmother or because you hate living alone and you need somebody to feel half of your king size bed. Plus, she probably honestly would not know what to answer you, she barely knows you ! What could she base her answer upon ?..Keep in mind that many women want a family at some point, but not any family with anybody, only with the right man. You have not given her much time to see if you are right for her ( and viceversa ).
Anyway - this is just my hunch and I could be grossly mistaken, but it does not sound like she reciprocates your attachment. Turning down sleepovers, refusing to tie up her weekends for you....not that this is wrong or strange per se, but either she wants to take it slowly , or she is not particularly looking forward to a " next level ". Said that, it's only up to you to decide whether to give up to what's possibly a lost cause, or give her a few more months to get to know you ( and your child ) better and take it from there. Either way, applying pressure now won't give you the results you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 September 2012):
Besides, perhaps your girl doesn't even want kids. Did you think about asking that before you slept with her?
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 September 2012):
I am not sure how to answer because you are doing things out of order. Normally, you get to know a person first and ask certain questions like "Do you want to have kids/have a family?" or "Are you just dating for fun or for a committed relationship?". These questions usually solve a lot of things upfront. That way you know if the girl you are dating might be a serious partner if or she is with you just for fun.
I am not sure what "lack of committment" she could have on her part after only two months. Most people are still getting to know one another during that time. I also think if you are seeing each other every day that you are being too obsessive or controlling about her time. Most people have to work, rest, and have some time to themselves to be fully funcitioning people everyday. She can't spend every waking minute/hour with you, and if you insist on it, you will likely drive her away.
...............................
|
