A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok i love my mum to bitssince our dad was absent me my mum and brother were always closehowever the past few months have been different, me and my mum keep falling out over the stupidest thingsa part of me thinks it's because i'm growing up, i've decided to take a year out before going to uni, so atm i feel like i'm just doing nothing and should be moving away like evryone else!we had a really bad argument when i said to her that i feel i should be moving away, i said that i dont feel i belong in our house anymore (granted this was a bad choice cos it made her feel like less of a mother) i made a point of saying that if i lived on my own i wouldn't have to ask for people to stay over just like she doesnt' have to ask for her boyfriend to stay over(ok i dont mind asking but i just brought it up cos i'm jealous that other people dont have to 'ask', also i love her boyfriend, but was just using him as an example, i made this clear to her) i tried to explain that these feelings were just cos i was growing up and feeling inadaquate not that she's a bad mother. instead it ended up in a huge argument, she dumped her bf (for like one night) cos she said that i dont like him in our house (never said that once tho!) and made it all about how much i hurt her feelingsthe whole argument became about misunderstandings... and the issue became totally obseletebut that's not the real issuean example of an argument with my mum would be (i'd recently put a very red dye in my hair:me: i need my fringe cutting, it's annoyingmum: maybe wash it a couple of times, to get the colour outme: what? i never moaned about me colour i'm talking about me fringe. don't you like the colour?mum: it's abit too redme: but i like the colour, why did you even bring that up???!mum: oh ok whatever!soo in this situation i'm bothered that not only was she not listening to me, but she's angry with ME for challenging that she upset me!this is typicalshe could talk to me a bit nastily, i get upset and pull her up and she gets proper angry and accuses me of starting an argumenti guess this is because she doesnt think she is being hurtful and so i shouldnt make a big deal about itbut it's ALL the time. i cant just let things go, i need them to be resolved but she treats me like a freak if i bring them up.. as if i'm obsessing, she gets defensive and it's always my fault!what do i do... i can't bring it up with her so i need advice on how to deal with this situation cos it's depressing me... when normally me an my mum would always get on!if i'm being totally wrong please tell me!!! i do have ocd so i can worry about things alot.. where these arguments seem silly, i cant help but remain upset about them....
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou both of you have hit the nail on the head, and put into better words then i could have.
i am trying to be independant whilst still living here which i'm finding hard, but i'm gonna try and not push things before they happen, basc let things go sometimes. i AM over-compensating.
it's just frustrating when in the same situtaion with another person, i could easily confront and talk it out, whereas here it just ends up in arguing, my intentions are never bad but i think my mum just gets defensive and probably i do too
thankyou i appreciate it and would still appreciate any other advice people are willing to give.
x
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (3 September 2007):
 It has been my experience that the closer you are to someone, the harder you have to fight to break away from them. This sometimes is worse between mothers and daughters. You learn everything about being a woman and a mom from her, and then you have to cut the umbilical cord and break away in order to become your own woman - and then eventually, a mom. Sometimes it's easier to pick a fight to put a bit of distance between you, in order to try to separate your life from hers. There is even more tension in your home, because you want to take a break BEFORE you leave home. You are both butting heads because you BOTH want to be the woman in charge. The good news is that now that you know WHY you are going through this Parting Dance, you can take a step back and recognize it the next time that it happens. You want to be your own woman, she is already seeing that she is losing her baby daughter. The next time you see the situation starting, take a step back and realize that your Mom grieving a bit because you are growing up and leaving home soon. You are over-compensating because you want to be recognized as an independant woman, even though you are still living under her roof. Sympathize and cut her a bit of slack. It's what a grown woman would do. Remember that you ARE having the conflict because you have always been really close in the first place, and you take the steps to keep the peace and your relationship intact while you go through this separation anxiety. You will always need your Mom. And She will always love you!
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