A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I been in relationship for 4 years. She was virgin before we met. I have high sex drive , she doesn’t. I tried to accommodate this by doing stuff in shower and not bothering her. Sometimes I ask her to go down, and she won’t put in effort, when she does it looks like a funeral.Whenever she is in the mood it’s all okay. We are 26/22. The age to be horny and have sex. I often look at my friends relationships and see what their partners do. I often get jealous that their gfs have high sex drives. We are going on our first proper holiday, and she keeps saying I don’t want to get drunk, I don’t want to be out late, I don’t want to party too much, maybe one night. So looks like we are going to be absolutely normal , which means she won’t want sex that much. Which I was hoping to have some fun. Yet she looks at her friends and says they are moving forward, they are so in love, he takes her on holidays, he does that. So I wonder why does the guy do so much for her friend. I never understood how , than recently my gf finally opens up and tells me her friends secrets that her friend does all sorts of things for her bf, sexually, she is open to trying things. And even when not in mood she says 10 mins of giving her bf attention and he is happy whole day , and she likes seeing her bf happy because of her going down for example. This is exactly my point but I my gf fails to see it. I mean if I spend £600+ just to have hot sex once, and rest me begging. I mean I love her heart but I’m so undatisfied sexually. Why am I stuck with one that likes one position and I’m doing all the work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2017): You don't sound like you like your gf OP much less love her. You sound like a teenage jock trying to shame the "good girl" for not partying or putting out like the "cool girls" do. Most adults have grown to realise that life isnt all about sex and getting wasted, but you seem stuck in that mentality. Maybe something to think about? Not that I'm saying you should stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy or leaves you unsatisfied of course. But if that's the case the only solution is to find a different person, not to bitch and moan about the one you're with in the hope she'll magically change into someone else because that's not fair to you or her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2017): You remind me of my first boyfriend years ago now, the one I lost my virginity to. I was with him two years. I didn't like sex. It was my first experience, and it was at best boring and at worst uncomfortable l. I faked ever single orgasm. For two years. I never initiated sex because I didn't want it.
Then I met my second boyfriend after we finished. Then my next and next. All subsequent boyfriends I had the most amazing sex with.
I couldn't believe how different it was- how enjoyable sex is.
Maybe you aren't so hot in the sack and she feels as I did with my first... i.e. What's all the fuss about again?
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (28 September 2017):
Oh I almost forgot. If she needs to be drunk to want it? That is the clearest sign you will get that sex with you is not a good experience for her. Perhaps something else to think about...
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (28 September 2017):
"So I wonder why does the guy do so much for her friend. I never understood"
I think your problem is summed up in this one sentence. Your entire post reads like you view a relationship as one big transaction, where the man spends money/does nice things for the woman and she 'repays' that with as much sex as he wants.
Instead of realising that these friends of yours might have more loving and giving relationships overall, you deduct that these men are only doing these things because they are getting a better payment (sex) than you are. Really?! Does it not occur to you that they might do nice things for each other because they love and care for each other? Because that's what being in a relationship is all about?
It's also a concern to me that you seem to give no thought to your girlfriends sexual enjoyment or satisfaction at all. You do know it's a joint experience right? Not just something a woman 'gives up' to a man? Because it certainly doesn't sound like it if you think asking her to spend 10 minutes satisfying you to keep you on side is an attractive proposition! Jeez OP, no wonder she's not keen if that's how sex is between you two! Even sadder still is it sounds as if you'd be happy in a relationship where you know she doesn't want or enjoy the sex, as long as your needs are met.
Newsflash dude, people (men and women) do not like to feel like they are a means to an end. Nor do they like to feel like their partner is only in it for what they can get. Most men will be just as horrified at the thought that their gfs would have sex with them purely in exchange for money or gifts as women are at the opposite. Because at their core, most people want to be loved and appreciated for WHO THEY ARE not what they can give you. If you don't get that, well I think you have a lot of personal development to do.
Overall, I think I agree with the majority here and say you should end it with her. Not just because of your different attitudes towards sex though, but because you don't seem to be very compatible in general. Your post reads as a list of complaints about your gf, listing all the ways you feel she isn't good enough. Hell you don't actually sound as if you even like her very much!
She's not wrong to want to relax on holiday instead of get drunk, just like you are not wrong to prefer the opposite. You are just different. But complaining about her and acting as if she's letting you down in some way for being herself is wrong and it'll make you both miserable in the end.
So I say leave and find someone more compatible. But before you do, you need to give your mindset a serious overhaul. A relationship is supposed to be a mutually satisfying experience for both parties, emotionally and sexually. Not a sex account that you can withdraw from once you've made the minimum deposit. If you don't sort that out then you'll just end up having the same problem time and time again with every woman you date.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 Don't make it sound like a cheap hookup by putting a price on the situation... c'mon man.
You hardly do anything for her and women are turned on by romance most of the time. If you do the bare minimum then why should she go all the way? It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible sexually to say the least.
She sounds like she wants comfort and romance and you sound like you want sex. Really, it sounds by your post that all you want is sex. You mention nothing else but how she doesn't give it up as often as you like or exactly like how you'd like her to...
Try giving the woman a holiday that she will never forget in terms of romance. Romance her. Spoil her with massages and gifts, bubble baths and flowers, some of her favourite foods and snacks... do stuff! Maybe then she'd be turned on enough to show you some affection. If she isn't enjoying the sex or going down on you then it means that romance is lacking because it's easy for guys to get get it up and go but for women, foreplay is important. Foreplay for us involves romance and sometimes it takes an entire day for us to look forward to being with you in the evening. So come on, up your game! If nothing changes after you've done all that you can do romantically, then you should have a talk wither about your feelings.
Just as you want to be appreciated, she does too so show her that you're thinking of HER and not just of what's down her pants.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (27 September 2017):
 So let me get this straight: you are spending money with the goal of being repaid "in kind"?
Let me ask you something: what do YOU do for your girlfriend? Women need to feel loved to want sex. Do you make her feel loved and cherished? Or do you just want to grope her all the time and have sex? Do you cuddle together without you thinking it should lead to sex? Do you tell her how pretty she looks when she has made a special effort? Do you buy her little gifts to show her you were thinking of her while you were not together? These can be something as small as a favourite bar of chocolate or a little bunch of flowers. Do you run a bath for her when you know she has had a hard day, or give her a massage? Perhaps the friends are doing all those things for their boyfriends because their boyfriends make them feel loved.
There is, of course, the possibility that she just has a very low sex drive, has not had much experience or was brought up to believe that nice girls don't enjoy sex. Or maybe she does not feel confident about her body? Do you encourage her when she does something sexual for you by telling her how much you like it? Do you guide her and tell her what you like? We assume she is not a mind reader.
If you have tried all these things and things are still unsatisfactory for you, then perhaps you two are just not right for each other, in which case you need to finish the relationship and move on. You are far too young to be in a relationship in which you are not happy.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 September 2017):
 If your girlfriend were here writing us instead of you, I have no doubt that what her question would be "Why am I stuck with the guy who wants sex all the time but doesn't want to do anything with me?"
I'm going to number this, because unlike my other fellow aunts, I'm telling you NOT to find another girl, because you don't know how to be a boyfriend. Here are the issues:
1. If she was a virgin when she met you, that means that the entirety of her sexual experience involving other people starts and ends with you. You are her only source of experience. She has no other guy to base behavior from, sexuality from, technique, or adventure from. In short -- you're the only reason she doesn't like sex. Why is that??
2. You've been with her 4 years and haven't been on any proper holiday, and the one you go on involves you wanting to get her drunk and have your way with her?? You complain that she doesn't want to have sex as much as you, and she has complained that you don't want to do anything romantic like other girl's boyfriends. You both have a point. NEWS FLASH: What kind of holiday is this where the totality was getting drunk for you?? Where were you going?
3. You view sex as transactional. BAD IDEA. You should go service with prostitutes if the sum total of how you value spending time and money with a girlfriend means that you add up the money in your head in order to feel like you're owed getting laid. Honestly, $600 (my computer doesn't have a pounds sterling symbol) isn't much for an escort service if you were paying money for sex.
4. Your one example of what you want is for HER to give you a blowjob, or as you put it "10 minutes of satisfaction". That's why she doesn't want sex with you. You aren't talking about a loving, mutually satisfying sex act. You're talking about her duty to keep you happy. Give you what you want, and you're happy for a day. No thought as to her as a person, or her happiness, or even a mutually orgasmic sexual act between you two?? WOMEN don't get orgasms from GIVING blowjobs, Einstein!
5. She likes one position because that's all the effort you put into your relationship. You do just enough in your sexual life to get off, and you and she don't experiment with other things. You don't try things to heighten her orgasm, or she'd want to have sex with you a LOT more. Remember, her only source of knowledge is YOU. Put in a half-ass effort, and she gives you half-ass back. Your penis isn't a love-satisfying tool. I would be surprised if she could count on one hand the number of times she's had an orgasm that YOU gave her, not counting the faking. Think about it. Your sex drive is high because you get something out of the sex!
If sex for you consisted of her rubbing your scrotum for 3 minutes, then grunting and ending, you'd be wondering "What's the point??". That's exactly the entirety of what a woman gets out of sex where a guy kisses her for about 5 seconds, lols his tongue all over her for another 10-seconds just long enough to give himself an erection, and then it's a few minutes of thrusting, then he grunts and then rolls over. He's had his release, and she's cleaning herself up wondering why sex is such a big deal. Add to that the fact that you're pretty much a boring pill who doesn't do ANYTHING with her, took 4 years to go experience the world on holiday with her (I would have ditched you long ago), and who just wanted to get her liquored up so that she didn't sleep with you with so much disdain.
You need to up your game. When was the last time you ACTUALLY gave her an orgasm?? I'm not talking about the last time you THINK you gave her one...the last time you actually FELT her vagina spasm around your tongue, or fingers, or penis(I doubt that last part)? Your penis throbs when your release. Did you even KNOW that a clitoris does the same, and that there are twice as many nerve in a clitoris and surrounding labia than there are a penis?? Orgasms last longer in women, and we can have multiples either one after another or after only a very short refractory time. SHE DOESN'T KNOW THIS, because it sure as hell sounds like you don't know this, and porn is your only education. You may not have been a virgin before dating her, but she learned what you taught. If you were bringing her to ecstasy, it would be an experience she would want repeated a lot more.
The fact that she, as young as she is, is avoiding sex with you, coupled with how you view sex as transactional and how little you actually put into the RELATIONSHIP side of things, (seriously, once in 4 years, where you bemoan spending money with her and look at it as "getting laid" money????)
You shouldn't have a girlfriend if you don't know how to treat them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2017): I meant to say:
"You think you deserve hot sex, because you spent £600+"???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2017): You're sexually-incompatible as a couple; and frankly, I don't pickup any clues or discernible evidence of a man in-love. I've just read the comments of a horny guy who is disappointed his girlfriend isn't willing to put-out or go-down on-demand.
Have you never heard the aphorism: "I'm not that kind of girl!"? Maybe she's not that kind of girl. Just because you buy her dinner or take her on a date, she doesn't have to obey your commands. She's not your servant or a prostitute.
You think you deserve hot sex, because she spent £600+???
Are you serious?!!!
If your mindset is based on the premise: "If she loves me, she'll do whatever I want her to do." You had better deflate your over-sized ego; and readjust your over-developed sense of entitlement, my man.
If you want (and/or need) something in your relationship your woman doesn't want to give; or isn't capable of doing. You let her go; and you keep searching until you meet someone closer to the kind of woman you desire.
You don't have the right to remake or change people to suit your personal-specifications. You find people already possessing the traits you're looking for; and liking the same things you like sexually.
You want her under your control. You want to compete with your friends for bragging-rights. Well, you've got the wrong girl! Maybe you don't exactly mean it as you've explained it. If you do mean it, your post doesn't reflect well on you.
You lack maturity if you feel you can use coercion and pressure to force women to perform sexual-acts; just because you're her boyfriend, or spent money on them.
They have to want to do it. That's the deciding factor in any physical-interaction or emotional-exchange made between two people. It has to be consensual!!! People do willingly what they want and like to do. If you can't see this yet, you still have some maturing to do.
Find another woman. Don't try to force your intentions on her by bribes, intimidation, retaliation; or using the knuckle-headed-hearsay and intoxicated-boasting of your friends about their girlfriends. You can't use the relationships of your friends as your argument to compel your girlfriend to act out of character, or against her will.
You're almost 30. You should have out-grown this adolescent kind of thinking by now.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (27 September 2017):
The critical question you must ask yourself is: Will she change and start desiring sex often enough to satisfy my appetite? It is that simple. Having a sexless relationship when you are horny is extremely stressful and just doesn't work. Unless there is more here than we're aware of, she won't change except short-term and then begrudgingly. You need someone else.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 September 2017):
 OP, you don't want the same things. She shouldn't have to do things sexually when she doesn't want to, so of course she doesn't do it enthusiastically.
You're CHOOSING to stay; you don't have to.
You also don't sound happy that she doesn't want to get drunk or party much on holiday. You're just not compatible and I don't think you should go on holiday together because a break up seems inevitable.
It's okay that your sex drive is high, but it's also okay and normal for hers to be low. She knows you want more sex and that will kill the little libido she has left.
I think your best having a calm, honest conversation about it and accepting that continuing won't make things better. She can say it will, but she'll feel forced to have sex more than she wants.
You're not happy and she's shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting sex as much. Staying won't level your libidos.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 September 2017):
 1. no one OWES you sex, OP
2. you aren't STUCK with this girl. It's a choice to keep dating her or to find someone with a higher sex drive. They exist, trust me.
3. if you two can talk to friends and talk about friend's sex life - have a conversation about your own. Don't whine about what other's are "supposedly" getting but talk. If that doesn't change things... WHY stay and suck it up?
You make it sound like you bought your own personal porn star. To quote you:" mean if I spend £600+ just to have hot sex once," if you spend 600 to have hot sex, then you BOUGHT the services of a prostitute. Is your GF a prostitute?
My guess is no. So why treat her as such?
You met and dated a virgin. Someone with NO sexual experience and you find out over the course of 4 years that she has a really low libido, YOU have a really high one. So you are NOT compatible in this area. She can be a SWEET and GREAT girl, but she isn't a good match for you. Because the difference in libido spills over into the rest of the relationship. YOU resent her low libido you expect sex because you pay for stuff.
Buying or paying for expensive holidays is NOT going to make her libido skyrocket. It's not going to change HER or you.
You have tried to no push for sex by taking care of business by yourself - is that like you saying you did some noble thing by jerking off?
Sex is supposed to be ENJOYED by both parties. It's a physical SHARED experience. Women want sex when they feel loved, wanted, desired. Not when they are made to feel bad for not being in the mood. Feeling like you aren't good enough to keep up with your partner... that can kill a libido stone dead. Many women don't like to feel like they are only there to "pleasure" their partner, that sex is more important. And going by what you write... that is exactly how you treat her. Like sex is a trade.
Go on your vacation, have a conversation about your OWN expectation, see how it goes. If nothing changes maybe you need to accept SHE isn't a good match for you.
Sounds like she knows what it is you want, she just isn't willing to do that because she doesn't want to. And sorry, OP you aren't entitled to sex. SO what if her friend has sex even if she doesn't want to? If that is a quality you want in a girl, poor girl.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 September 2017):
You're only stuck if you refuse to leave. If you're not happy tell her goodbye and find someone you are compatible with.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 September 2017):
You're not stuck with anyone... If it's that important to you find someone you're compatible with. I can tell you with 100%% certainty that if it's a this bad when you're dating, you will be in a sexless marriage.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 September 2017):
 Have you had a serious, calm conversation about it?
Or just shouting in the heat of the moment when she won't do something? If you're sexually incompatible what else can you do besides suck it up or find someone else?
Try a conversation and if that doesn't change anything then you need to find someone who's on the same page as you sexually.
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