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Suffering erectile dysfunction. Would it be wrong to encourage my wife to take lovers?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 October 2013) 13 Answers - (Newest, 3 October 2013)
A male United States age , *slandman writes:

I become unable to perform with a full erection. My wife thinks that I no longer want her and am gay or at least bi-sexual.I get very excited thinking about and talking about her having a sexual encounter with another man. She is using topical testosterone on the clitoris and this has increased her libido indescribably. Is is wrong to encourage her to take lovers?

[Mod note: this poster's age is 64]

View related questions: clitoris, erection, libido

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States +, writes (3 October 2013):

dougbcoll agony aunt it would be wrong and you will change your relationship with your wife, and maybe lose her. you may cause great damage to your marriage.

i would be seeing a doctor getting the blue pill, or vacuum pump. not farming out your wife.

see a doctor, don't do harm to your marriage that you may regret later.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (3 October 2013):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntFrom your description (of EVERYTHING) it "sounds" to me as if you are willing to walk in to that minefield of open marriage/sexuality (read: "I get very excited thinking about and talking about her having a sexual encounter with another man.") ...... IF you do.... the dynamics of your's and wifey's life will change dramatically.... and the odds are rather in favor that your marriage will suffer or dissolve because of it....

The others have pointed out both that you can (and should) investigate possible relief/improvement of your ED through the myriad drugs which are available...

As well....sit down with wifey, and discuss this matter at great length.... It's far more complicated than deciding if you are going to take the "Early Bird" special at Denny's or Perkin's.....

Finally, remember that penetrative intercourse is only ONE aspect of intimacy and "love-making". Whilest some of your submittal infers that wifey would LIKE to test the waters of extra-marital sex (from: "My wife thinks that I no longer want her and am gay or at least bi-sexual.").. perhaps that is more a reflection of (her) frustration... and not a genuine criticism....

Good luck.... this is a real conundrum....

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (3 October 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntwomen should NEVER use testosterone. It can cause major medical problems. Unless this is prescribed by her doctor.

In addition you need to seek medical treatment NOT a lover for your wife. Bringing a third party into your bed will destroy your marriage.

My last marriage broke up due to others in our bed with permission same as at least 4 other marriages I Know of.

seek medical help for your ED as it can be treated.

and know that for many women a penis is not even needed for sexual satisfaction as oral skills in a partner are much more important.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013):

Bad, bad, bad idea.

Seek medical attention for your ED, make sure you are also taking care of your health, try to quite or seroiusly cut down if you are smoking, start exercising and get that blood flowing, and try perscription ED medications and find one that works for you. Stay away from porn if you are watching on the side as it will only make that one on one with your wife even more difficult.

Sending your wife out to take on other partners is not a solution to your problem by any means. You will surely regret it. Fantasies are one thing, making them a reality is another.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (3 October 2013):

YouWish agony auntIf you have ED, before using it to act out a fantasy regarding your wife and another man, have you gone to a doctor for medical help? And, are you able to masturbate with a full erection?

Otherwise, knowing you have ED, why is your wife using testosterone?? Is she using a medical prescription from a doctor who has examined, screened, diagnosed, and is treating her? If the answer is "no", and she's doing this through mail order or without a prescription, you should be more worried about her doing harm to herself.

Back to her using testosterone - why? What is she using it for? Are you pleasuring her to orgasm while not using your penis? If so, good for you! I think if she is satisfied, she doesn't want to be unfaithful.

My suggestion is for the both of you to exhaust your medical issues before suggesting to open your marriage. I also suggest that while a fantasy is arousing to think about, many men find themselves in anguish after watching their wives actually perform sex acts with other men. Tread carefully and have many long talks with her about what you're thinking.

But like I said - exhaust your treatment options before opening the marriage! It's possible that the doctor will find something for you so you'll be back to your normal virile rock hard self and decide you don't want to share your wife with anyone!

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A male reader, bronzed adonis United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2013):

bronzed adonis agony auntSo at this moment you are unable to function properly. How will it make you feel after she has been given a good seeing to by a man who can?

I would sort out your TEMPORARY problem first, before anything else.

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A female reader, Aunty Babbit United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2013):

Aunty Babbit agony auntOK so you have a fantasy about your wife taking lovers, how does she feel about it?

I can imagine that if she is already worrying about you not fancying her anymore or that you may be gay then this is only going to compound those feelings!

If my husband had erectile dysfunction I would want him to do something about it not encourage me to take another man!

You also have to remember that she may love having sex with you but hate the thought of sleeping with someone else.

Even if she was up for sleeping with someone else she might not let you watch!

Erectile dysfunction can effect men of any age and is either caused by emotional stress or a physical problem.

Counselling can help the first cause and identifying the physical cause and treating it can help the second.

If it can't be cured then there are tablets called Viagra, available on prescription (never purchase them on-line) that can help improve and maintain your erection.

You owe it to your wife (and yourself) to see a doctor about this and for goodness sake tell her that it's a problem with the mechanics of your penis NOT her.

Sort out the ED first then when your sex life is back on track discuss your fantasy with her and she where it goes.

I hope this helps AB x

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (3 October 2013):

Tisha-1 agony auntI become unable to perform with a full erection.

-Have you seen a doctor about this? Remember that women do not require intercourse to reach orgasm. Do you feel intimate with your wife? Do you have other medical issues that leave your fingers and tongue inoperable?

My wife thinks that I no longer want her and am gay or at least bi-sexual.

-Doubtful. She probably is saying that to get you to go to your doctor for help.

I get very excited thinking about and talking about her having a sexual encounter with another man.

-Well, that's your fantasy. Is that hers?

She is using topical testosterone on the clitoris and this has increased her libido indescribably.

-So someone in the family is using hormonal therapy. Presumably it's prescribed by a physician? Well then, get your physician to give you the help you need to "perform" if that is your problem.

Is is wrong to encourage her to take lovers?

-Yes, if she doesn't want to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013):

Go to the doctor's for the condition and bring your wife along so she can see for fact you do indeed have a medical issue and I don't understand why she would be applying testosterone to her clitoris to become more sexual needy when she knows you can't perform???? It makes me question if she doing such to have sexual stamina with another man or who knows maybe even a woman???? It's not adding up???

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013):

Viagra? Porn? I would suggest watching some wife threesome porn with your wife first to see if she's into the idea! Lots of things you can do before you need to get to that stage - unless of course, that's what she wants. There is a great book called The Ethical Slut which looks at being in a loving but open relationship.

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2013):

Starlights agony auntIt may sound like nice "fantasy" right now but a lot of people regret allowing their partners to take on other lovers besides them. This is because Open relationships dont always work.

To regain intimacy its important you and your wife work together.

Alot of men suffer from ED time to time and its important to find out the real reasons just to avoid having an underlying medical health issue.

Here's a good article that may help you:

http://www.edguidance.com/articles/struggling-ed.html

Goodluck!

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (3 October 2013):

like I see it agony auntIt's not wrong if it's something you both want and are comfortable with, but it's very rare for both parties to be equally amenable to this sort of thing. Have you discussed it with your wife? Is she also interested in the cuckold lifestyle, or is this fantasy mainly yours?

I must admit I am curious as to why she's trying to increase her libido chemically when it already exceeds your own.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013):

if i understand you .. the man are having the problem. It does not sound like it is your wife's problem.

Why not see a doctor about this? Also they have something like a vacuum pump that can or is supposed to make this happen. Your insurance might even pay for it.

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