A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a tricky situation that will probably receive mixed reactions based on whether you're a dog-lover or not.Basically - I broke up with my partner a few months back. We fought at first but eventually learnt to be civil. We don't have any kids, any ties etc but stupidly I stayed in touch with him anyway.Fast forward to the last month and he got himself a puppy. Now due to circumstances he needed help so I agreed to mind the puppy quite a lot. I've spent alot of time with said puppy and he has gotten to know me pretty well. You could say i've fallen in love with the little fella! The issue is that now my ex wants me back, he is pressuring me to get back together and says we can be a family etc. I don't think I love him, and to be honest there are a number of things that i want from life that he can't give me commitment-wise. My fear is that once I say no, I won't see the puppy for dust! The idea breaks my heart, especially since I know the puppy is just as attached to me.Don't get me wrong - my ex is just as good with him and they also have a great bond so me taking the puppy FT is out of the question.Do I give it a shot and hope that my ex will change over time or do I just cut my losses and hope that in time I will stop aching inside? I know alot if people will read this question and think i'm daft, or blame me for getting involved in this in the first place but i'm absolutely torn!I love the dog but my ex is a jealous, negative-minded selfish idiot in the relationship area!
View related questions:
broke up, get back together, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): People don't even stay together for KIDS!!! I AM a dog lover, but I don't advise staying in ANY unhappy relationship for the sake of another person/pet who are not in said relationship! That is just ridiculous!
If you KNEW it was unhappy, you should not have let yourself go down the garden path and bonded with this ex's dog when you KNEW what was coming. That was very unwise and unthoughtful of you. It is not fair to yourself nor the dog.
Next time, smarten up. A puppy is not a toy nor a bargaining chip to lure you back! And you should not allow yourself and the puppy to be manipulated in such a way! DON'T take on responsibilities you can't follow through on! And that means bonding with a pup you will now NOT be the caregiver for.
It is young and it will adjust to your absence. But live and learn and smarten up next time.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 November 2019):
 I've known guys who use the puppy trick. Looks like it still works.
Let's face the fact. Any guy that you openly call an idiot should not be in a relationship with you. Don't make the same mistake twice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2019): Seriously, my dear?!! Over a puppy?!!
I know we're in the high-tech age, and people seem to have difficulty sorting-out matters that require communication and decision-making. They base far too much on unrelated-details that overshadow common-sense. Where's your sense of logic???
Let me give it to you straight. No! You do not take back a man you don't love to be with his dog! Not only is the dog a tool of manipulation, and always was a bargaining-chip; but you would put aside your values and better-judgement, because you'd miss the puppy.
Read your own opinion of the man, for gosh sakes!!!
"...but my ex is a jealous, negative-minded selfish idiot in the relationship area!"
Here's what King Solomon probably would have suggested. Split the puppy in two!
Get your own dog! Inform your ex that you no longer feel any romantic-attachment to him; and feel the puppy was an attempt to emotionally-blackmail you into taking him back. If he's a true-friend, he'll let you visit with the little fellow from time to time. If being with him was always the motive behind it, you're not taking the bait! If he has ulterior-motives, maybe it's best to end any further connection; because it seems his actions more or less come-down to manipulation and deception.
You are an intelligent adult. Capable of reason, deciphering hidden-facts and reading between the lines. Playing dumb to people is beneath your dignity; and it would be quite childish to let someone use a puppy as a means to go against your better judgement.
If you're hanging-on to your ex because you're basically using him too; than perhaps you ought to take him back. Otherwise, exactly why would you keep somebody around and imply such contempt for them?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
 IF you tell him no, won't he still need help with the puppy?
OR was the puppy a PLOY to get you to INVEST in the puppy and thus in him again?
Don't be naive. And don't get into a relationship with a guy who IS NOT someone you ACTUALLY want to be with.
Instead maybe what you NEED to do is tell him, no I can't get back in a relationship with you so perhaps cutting ALL contact is better for all of us.
And if you MISS that puppy, I get it. I was a dog-walker for 5 years before going aboard for a year and then off to college, and I missed the dogs a lot. You DO create a bond with animals, more US than them. The puppy will be FINE without you, it was BEFORE you showed up, it will be after. And the puppy will NOT make this a happy and healthy relationship, EVER. HE is who he is. And that guy, you don't even like all that much.
Don't be stupid. Volunteer at a shelter and get AS much puppy love as you can handle! Those dogs would NEED to way more than your ex's puppy.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 November 2019):
Even staying together for the sake of children rarely makes an unhappy, miserable relationship any better and often makes it worse. You can’t get back with this guy for the sake of the dog, however much you will be heartbroken to go your separate ways. I do understand. My dogs were like my kids. I would have done anything for them.
You did make a mistake agreeing to help him with the dog. IT was undoubtedly motivated by kindness and good intentions, but now you aren’t going to be able to walk away without getting hurt. But I’m afraid the best thing for you is to go through that grief now and you will come out the other side. This current situation isn’t fair for either you or your ex, or indeed the dog.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
 Come on, is this serious??
I love dogs as much as the next person, my two Staffies are family members, but you’re honestly contemplating getting together with someone you categorically DO NOT want to be with because of a dog? Give your head a quick wobble.
Read the title a few times back to yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, stanliwise  +, writes (11 November 2019):
 Your description is your answer already, you don't want such qualities I guess, or maybe you like such qualities and you're not admitting (apologies)
Stop using an innocent puppy as a plot why you're still in contact with your ex. In my opinion, you need to work on your will power and know what you want. If you don't want him, leave him and the puppy alone, else take your time and accept him back.
On a lite note, I think you have alot of bad energy within you, you may need to work on your inner self (apologies once again).
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
 From one dog lover to another: you can make compromises for the sake for a dog/dogs, but you cannot fake a whole relationship.
It is highly unlikely your ex will be any different this time around to last time. You will just be reading the same book and expecting a different ending. Meanwhile, the puppy will just get even more attached to you and will miss you even more when you eventually have to walk away.
As you admit your ex is a good owner, the puppy will be fine with him and will eventually forget you if you walk away now. I totally understand YOU will also miss the puppy if you do this, but you cannot sacrifice your life to someone you know is not right for you just so you can stay close to the puppy. In any case, if your ex needs help with the puppy (unless his circumstances have changed), then he may choose to have you looking after it as you have been doing, otherwise he will have to pay a sitter.
Are you in a position to offer to adopt the dog from your ex, as he cannot look after it on his own?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2019): Hanging around your ex and looking after his dog has understandably given him the impression that things are not quite over between you. Which is really unfair and given that you know he still loves you it's really quite cruel. You don't love him. Let him go. And for god sake don't use him for his puppy. That's sociopathic.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2019):
 Are you serious ??!
Would you really take back someone whom you describe as an uncommitted, jealous,negative-minded selfish idiot , someone whom you do not love ( and obviously do not respect ) ... just to hang out with the puppy ??
This is not about been a big dog lover, or not so much. One can be a dog lover AND also feel love and respect for herself, and show love and respect for herself by not getting involved in relationships which are going to be toxic and doomed to failure.
And, as for that,- what about a little love and respect - uhm- for your fellow human beings in general ? Like this guy,OK I get it that he is no boyfriend material , he is an idiot and bla blah… but well, he is a living, sentient being and as such he deserves to be pursued, wanted and accepted for himself , not for the advantages and benefits you can get out of him ! ( in your case, hanging out with the adorable puppy ).
You don't like the guy , can't love him and accept him the way he is ? That's fine, then leave him alone - but also leave the puppy alone. Otherwise , it is exactly just dating someone for whom you only feel contempt… because he drives you around in a luxury car !
So… not just a daft idea ( yes, that too ) but also a mean one...
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 November 2019):
 Read your last sentence, it says "my ex is a jealous, negative-minded selfish idiot in the relationship area" so why on earth would you even consider getting back with him?
If its the dog you really want go get a rescue puppy to dote on.
...............................
|
