A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. I was just wondering at what point when dating someone is it normal / the etiquette do you not chat with other people / ask for dates?I've been online dating for a while, but without much / any success. Had a second date recently, the first person I've met in person while online dating, and we kissed at the end with talk of meeting up again soon.However I'm also talking to someone else through the site. We've not met but maybe it would be nice to meet her in person too if the conversation continues. Of course she may not want to, but it might be nice to ask anyway.However at what point would it be wrong to ask, given things with the first person? We kissed, but aren't exclusive... I'm also cautious that I'm just running with things with the first person simply because its the first date I've been on since breaking with my an ex over a year ago. Not sure where it stands!Any ideas / thoughts? :) Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): I think with online dating, it’s generally ok to date multiple people unless there has been an explicit talk of exclusivity with one of the people you are dating and you both agree to be exclusive. I think to expect exclusivity without a talk in the context of online dating is actually a little presumptuous.
The other thing to consider when you are dating multiple people is to ask each person what their dating timeline is. If they say they generally like to know where things are going after let’s say a month, for example, then it may not be wise to string them along after a month and continue dating other people if you into that person enough. That is, if you’re a considerate person.
I agree with another aunt, however, that if you will be dating multiple people at once, then try to leave sex out of it as that makes things more complicated.
That’s my general advice.
More specifically, if you like girl #1 but just want to see what’s happening with girl #2 I think it’s ok to date both. You’re still early on in both situations that you don’t owe any girl anything. I think mainly avoid being duplicitous like telling girl #1 outright things like she’s the one etc, or even something that implies that she’s the only one you’re seeing. If she asks be honest.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (13 November 2019):
 My advice is that if this is the first person you have dated since your breakup you need to keep it very casual and low key.. Just hang out have dinner grab a coffee and chat together.. Its only been a year since your last relationship so you will be comparing your new dates with your previous relationship.. I think its OK to talk to the second person but you should tell the first person your still on the dating site.. Then if things progress and you want to get more serious you need to go off the site altogether along with your new partner.. Honesty and trust need to be the tip of the spear when starting a new relationship and if there is any hint of dishonesty or mistrust in the early stages you need to pull the pin straight away and move on..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 November 2019):
 OK, so if you would be OK with HER also going on dates, then why not ask #2 out?
The only problem THAT can cause is IF #1 is the one you figure out you really want to be with and she doesn't feel it was OK for you to do so. I mean I have seen post here on DC many times where people were upset that their current BF/GF was seeing several people when they first met (regardless of exclusivity) because they wouldn't have done the same.
I'm not saying you HAVE to ask permission from #1, but it's something to consider.
Let's say you GO on a date with #2 and it really doesn't clarify to you if #1 is it or not, what then? date #3 and #4? And STILL hold onto #1?
You see how that can become a bit of a mess?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): Well I'D feel accepting of it as we met through a dating site and HADN'T yet discussed exclusivity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2019):
How would you feel if SHE went on dates (platonic) because SHE wasn't sure YOU were right for her?
Be honest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2019): Hi everyone thanks for the responses below. Original poster here.
Maybe I gave the wrong impression with my original question in part.
I very much like person #1 and she ticks a lot of boxes. Its just my fear that I am running with the first person I've dated in person for a while - that I'm not making a true and honest assessment so to speak and sub-consciously finding greater attachment to the first person to show me interest enough to want to meet.
I guess the chance to meet #2 might offer some perspective so to speak - it may prove my initial feelings right, or could show me someone else who is even better and want to be with them.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
 I suspect, if you asked 20 different people of varying ages this question, you would get 20 different answers. Most of them would probably have the same basics but I don't think there are any hard and fast "rules" about this sort of thing.
One thing I have noticed recently is that things have changed greatly since I was dating. Back in the 70s/80s, if you were dating someone, then it was immediately assumed you were "together", i.e. boyfriend and girlfriend. If you wanted to date someone else, then you finished the first relationship before doing so. Nowadays there seem to be so many other variables. I keep hearing things like "We are dating but we are not exclusive". Back in my day, this would have been seen as cheating. Or "We are dating but we are not in a relationship". Back in my day, dating constituted being in a relationship.
Personally, if you have only been out on a couple of dates with the first lady, I would keep things VERY casual (keep kissing to a friendly peck and definitely nothing else) while you decide if you want to take things further. It sounds like you are not sure about whether you want to take things further with her but don't want to finish with her in case nothing else comes your way for a while. That is not nice. Decide whether you want to keep seeing her or not, and then act accordingly. Nothing wrong (people tell me) in "keeping your options open" and seeing others as well, but don't string anyone along if you don't think there could be something long term there for you. Be kind but be honest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
I'd say KEEP kissing and sex out of the picture until you are READY to stick to dating exclusively one person AT A TIME. Once you involve sex, it get a lot trickier, I think.
I know some people see online dating as a chance to "test-drive" as many potential partners as possible before selecting one that is a good fit. I think that is a bad approach. Mostly because SOME people get emotionally attached and thus HURT if all they are is entertainment and a "if I can't get better, I'll take this one".
I do think, it's not a horrible idea to see who is out there and to find someone who is a good match, I just feel ONE at a time is more appropriate as you FOCUS your energy on one person at a time.
I think if the one you have been on a couple of dates with, isn't REALLY checking all the boxes for you, it makes more sense to let her go and try lady #2. Instead of "holding on to her" while checking out #2. You know, just in case #2 isn't the one either.
But that is me, personally.
However, you ARE just in the getting to know you phase with #1 so (unless you have TALKED about ONLY seeing each other/exclusivity) maybe asking #2 out isn't a big no-no.
My advice is this, DO NOT operate under the assumption of scarcity. That you HAVE to hold on to someone you don't REALLY see as a potential partner, just because you are afraid of not finding someone who is a better fit. That isn't fair to you OR to that woman. No one wants to be the "Ms. Good-enough-for-now" until you find "greener grass".
If you DO think #1 has potential, you MIGHT shoot yourself in the foot by going on dates with other women.
There are no set rules, however. So it's up to you to use your common sense, moral compass, and empathy. Maybe use the "Do unto others as you would have done to you". If YOU are OK with THEM seeing other men, then it should perhaps be OK for YOU to go on dates (but kept platonic) with other women. JUST be honest if asked.
Others regard dating a little bit like job interview, thus they will see multiple people at the same time and hope to find the right fit in a larger "pool" of potential partners.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 November 2019):
It’s a tricky one. There’s no clear rule I can give, for example by date 3 it must be exclusive. I think this is a lot of the trouble with online dating.
My advice to you would be to find out how enthusiastic the second person would be about meeting up. You don’t want to give person 1 the impression that it’s exclusive by going on a few more dates and getting more serious, whilst mentally you’re still not 100% certain. After a while, that expectation would understandably set in on her part. So the best thing would be to meet person 2 as quickly as circumstances permit. You can’t really know how you feel about someone until you have spent some time in their company. Maybe this will help you make your mind up, or help you realise that you still need to meet a few more people at the moment.
I wish you all the very best.
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