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I think she thinks we are in a full-blown relationship!

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 June 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 7 June 2018)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

DearCupid,

I've been good friends with this girl for 2 years. We hang out on a pretty regular basis with our group of friends. One night she told me she liked me over text messages. I told her I liked her too. We talked about setting up a date but never got around to it. Flash forward to a couple of weeks ago we were hanging out with friends and it got pretty late. We ended up staying over the night together. We didn't do anything sexual and I'm still really on the fence if I want to date her. The next day we kissed a couple of times and ended up spending the day together. I like her and maybe thats where I messed up. I didn't catch that she was really interested in me. The next day with all of our friends...everyone knew about it...we didn't talk about any of this... I think she thinks we are in a full-blown relationship...I'm getting anxiety over this. How do I handle this without being dick? Should of I not kissed her at all? I am upset that she is rattling everything off to everyone and I didn't think we were even a thing. Its just all moving a little to fast for me. I've went on dates with other people for longer and didn't have facebook/everything else involved in it.

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia +, writes (7 June 2018):

holeymoley agony auntWhats done is done but you really do need to sort this out quick sticks.I think there is room to recover from being a dick before letting to go on further and becoming a fully fledged arsehole. Be honest and man about it, admit that you actions confusing the situation and be truthful that you are not sure what you want.if its a casual thing tell her and let her decide if thats something she is ok with or not.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (7 June 2018):

TylerSage agony auntI agree with @HoneyPie. The sooner you talk to her the better. Let her know that she's moving a bit too fast and you're still working out your feelings towards her before things get complicated and tense.

Just move slow and privately on your feelings with each other.

All the best.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (6 June 2018):

janniepeg agony auntI can just imagine your stern, confused face when you were with her. I think she was rushing this a little bit. A connection has to be felt mutual. Just because you spent a day together doesn't mean you are in a full blown relationship. She's using the "assume the buyer" tactic and taking advantage of how easy going you were. For her to tell everyone, it's with the motive to give you pressure not to back off from this. If that's the case, it's a bit manipulative of her. It was easy to spend the day with her since you've been friends for two years. If two strangers spend a whole day together, that's a different story. The transition from friends to lovers depend on whether you have attraction for her. You either have or you don't. Some people say these things take time but I find it suspicious that you have to think over this. Don't let this drag on because as time goes on it would be harder to back out of this. She's using peer pressure to approve of this too. Maybe you kissed her to see if you felt something? A kiss either makes you fall in love or it feels awkward. Let's be honest here, if a kiss is offered, it's hard to refuse or back away. Your response to all this is, "what's going on?" rather than falling in love with her. It all proves that you can't make the transition from friends to lovers by forcing it.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (6 June 2018):

N91 agony auntCould you of gone about this in a worse way?

If you don’t want to date her then why tell her you like her? Don’t mess people around. Be honest, let her know where she stands.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 June 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThe sooner you have a chat WITH her about this (and PLEASE not in front of other friends!) the better.

Tell her you feel things are moving to fast for you, that you aren't sure you are ready for a relationship and that YOU shouldn't have kissed and spend the night with her when you were unsure, APOLOGIZE for that. Because that is playing games with her. She told you she likes you and you responded in kind, kissed etc... and THEN you got cold feet. THAT definitely looks like playing games. HEAD GAMES!

If that is NOT your intentions, be up front and honest with her.

And then DECIDE do you think you might want to date her or not. If you do, SET UP a date. If you don't LEAVE her the F alone.

You say you didn't catch that she was really interested... oh really? SHE was the one to say it first... "One night she told me she liked me over text messages." SO you knew. Maybe you were unsure on how serious she was/is - but that too is a bit of a bogus excuse.

DO you want to get to know her better (and I don't mean in the "biblical sense") or not? Then go from there.

Come on you are old enough to know how these things work.

And IF you DO want to get to know her... KEEP the kissing and cuddles out of the picture until YOU feel sure and SHE feels sure.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018):

Come on dude, you let a young lady spend the night, you kiss; and then you spent a whole day together. You've told her you like her. You topped it off by setting up a date! Well, guess what? That pretty much tells a lady you're a thing! She didn't tell everyone you're her boyfriend; but you've pretty much made it seem as though the possibility is out there.

You will look more like a dick if you don't clear things up...and fast! Her feelings are already attached, after you've romanced her. My friend, you're a bit mature to be that naive about women! You've even suggested dating!

I'll take your word for it that you didn't do anything sexual; but I'm sure you took advantage of what she offered. Otherwise; you would have gotten her home that night.

A couple of kisses you say? Just because sex didn't happen doesn't mean you wouldn't have gone for it, if it was offered. She might have been the one who decided not to go that far! Not you!

Don't tell a woman you're flirting with that you like her; unless you tell her "how" you like her. It also helps if you let her know that you're not looking for a relationship at the moment; so she knows dating doesn't necessarily mean it's leading-up to anything serious. It's social, but more than simply friendly. It's to see what comes of it. Let's see how it goes!

Inviting her to stay the night, kissing her (2x), and making-out with her; then spending a full-day, tells her you like her a lot without words.

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