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I got involved with engaged co worker and made her choose

Tagged as: Cheating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2024) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 April 2024)
A male Italy age 26-29, *uca0123 writes:

Hi everyone!

Here's my situation: two and a half years ago a new coworker arrived into the company I've been working with for the last 7 years.

A couple of weeks after she arrived, she started to flirt with me in a real intense way, I mean, she seeked for physical touch, she sent me messages through Instagram saying she was missing me, she would like me to get closer to her and so on. At last, I surrendered to her advances and we began a sort of love story; I say "sort of" because she was (and still is) engaged to another man, whom she's getting married with in September.

After a short period of kissing, cuddling and physical touch, I decided to put her to a choice, that was me or him: she decided to remain with him because he is rich and can give her some kind of tranquillity in life, so I accepted her choice, but after two weeks she began to flirt with another coworker of ours and that really brought me down.

Between us there is a good professional relationship and we really get along with each other.

Now, it's not official yet that I will be invited, but is it right to tell her that I won't be taking part in her wedding and tell her because I still like her?

Thank you in advance.

View related questions: co-worker, engaged, flirt, kissing, period, wedding

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A male reader, Luca0123 Italy +, writes (2 April 2024):

Luca0123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all, guys! I really appreciate all your answers. Yes, she's mean and really egoistic and she never worried about how I was feeling just after we stopped kissing and cuddling each other.

I really don't mean to tell her I still like her because somehow I got over her, but, yes, the thing that keeps me saying "I don't want to go the wedding" is that she's getting married to a guy (poor man) whom she desperetaly cheated on multiple times.

And when she started to woo me, my first thought was "If she's doing it with him, what on earth assures me that she won't do the same again to me?"

On the other hand I have to maintain a good working relationship, being my and her job really close to each other (we're both in quality assurance).

Anyway I will find an excuse so that I won't be invited.

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A male reader, Indiglorex United States +, writes (2 April 2024):

You are absolutely correct on not attending the wedding.

She clearly is going to be a cheater the rest of her life if she's already courting someone else in the office now that you rebuffed her. Just let her do her thing and don't get involved. Who knows if her husband will cause problems for you down the road.

Like others have said, you dodged a bullet.

If possible, next time try to avoid getting involved with an engaged woman. Life will be much simpler.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2024):

Just as well you found out what she's like even though she was already engaged when you met her. It's always best to be honest but why not tell her also that she hurt you. Yes, better not to go to the wedding and keep it strictly professional, or maybe get moved so you see less of her.

I hope you'll stay away from people who are already committed in future, I know it's easy to get drawn in by flirts but you said you want something exclusive and she's obviously not that way inclined.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (1 April 2024):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI bet she's very pretty. Am I right? She uses her looks to get what she wants - a rich fiance and, also, attention from other gullible males, who will never mean anything more to her than an ego boost. She may be pretty on the outside but she is VERY ugly on the inside. Imagine being married to someone like her. Gross. Just gross.

If you tell her you still like her, you are just feeding her ego. You mean NOTHING to her - otherwise she would have dropped her fiance and started a real relationship with you. She has quickly moved on to the next sucker who has fallen for her looks. Just another notch on her ego post.

If you get an invitation to the wedding, turn it down with dignity. Say you have something else on that day. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you still care about her. If you DO tell her you still like her, she will have you exactly where she wants you - under her feet, like a door mat. Have you no dignity? Have you no shame for what you are doing to the fiance? She is turning YOU into an ugly person too. Get away before she succeeds.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (1 April 2024):

kenny agony auntI think that you should just forget her and just concentrate on your job, what your paid to do.

Think yourself lucky things happened the way they did, because if by some chance she did leave her fiance and get with you how could you ever trust her.

You could have been that fiance thinking your in a loving relationship while she is creating love stories and flirting at work, so think to yourself you dodged a bullet here.

The fact that she is now flirting with the next person says it all really dosen't it about the person she really is.

Forget her, get on with your job and think yourself lucky your free of her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2024):

She didn't want you, she wanted FROM you what she wasn't/isn't getting from her fiancé. Now she's turned her attentions (attention seeking) to the Other Guy bc you messed up her plans by stepping out of place and giving her an ultimatum, thereby relieving her of the control she thought she had.

Your role was to offer flirtatious, compliments, cuddles, kissed and whatever physical touch you had. No more, no less. She still wants to keep the rich, tranquility-providing fiance. But when you tried to get more out of it or get her all for yourself it didn't work for her. So now, maybe Other Guy will offer her what she sought from you without asking for more.

You shouldn't even THINK of going to the wedding: instead, print out emails between you two, write a letter to Fiance apologizing FOR YOUR PART, let him know about Other Guy andvwish them well. Then sit back and enjoy the chaos that ensues

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (31 March 2024):

mystiquek agony auntwhy would you want to stay with her? Shes a cheater and you cant play innocent because you know about the fiance. There's alot of trouble brewing around you. Are you oblivious to it? You were messing around with a co worker and another man's woman. You might want to step back think things over and walk no run...away from this whole mess. Lastly, like the saying goes" If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you."

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2024):

Honeypie agony auntWhat is it that you like about her?

Her lack of respect for her fiancé? For you? For really any man?

Her lack of morals and decorum?

The fact that she NEVER really cared about you? Because she didn't. ALL she seems to care about is getting attention.

I feel sorry for her fiancé, but he will figure this out and dump her. Eventually.

Would I tell her that you still care/like her? Absolutely no. Don't feed an attention wh0re with attention.

Just decline her invite, if you get one. You can say you have a prior plan, Or be honest and tell her you don't want to go.

You also need to take a good look at your own behavior here. WHY would you muck around with someone who is engaged to someone else? Seems like YOU lack morals and common sense too!

Lastly, you dodged a bullet. Had she picked you, she would have cheated on you too. But maybe you are OK with all this cheating....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2024):

Of course you shouldn't go.

But I'd refrain from telling that I like her, and here's why.

Sometimes we like people that don't deserve our affection because they are acting selfishly. As times go by and we "wake up", we realize how misplaced our affection was. I don't know when this will happen to you, but it will.

She has seduced you for fun. Before she started heavily flirting, you were not interested in her. You thought she she was really into you. She wasn't. She was just using you for whatever selfish reason she had, because she was (still is) marrying a rich guy. You were an easy target. And so is your coworker.

The fact that she's doing her hunting at work tells me that this is the place where she feels safe to "explore". Her fiance knows nothing of what's going on there and nobody can tell him. She herself doesn't care about her workplace, work and salary (!), because she's randomly hooking up with her colleagues. And she obviously doesn't care about people since she's using them to satisfy her needs for attention, affection...

Many people who seek help here are dealing with narcissists in their lives. For some of them it is difficult to avoid, since they're having problems with their parents, siblings... you are lucky! However, now you see why most people will advise you here NEVER to hook up with a coworker. Because you cannot erase her completely from your life. The least you can do is erase her from your private life and stop talking to her about anything not work-related , including your emotions.

She is feeding of off you. She enjoys having all that attention. She never cared about you. She manipulated you, the way she is now manipulating this other colleague of yours and teh way she has been manipulating her rich boyfriend/now fiance for years.

Now, the most important question is: How can you even like this person, let alone be in love with her?!

The answer is simple. You're not seeing her the way you should be, the way anybody here will describe her, the way I just did.

Ask yourself why you aren't seeing her for what she really is? People like her are similar to con artists. And con artists can't cont everybody no matter how good they are. That's why they pick (easy) targets. She was probably flirty with many "potential candidates" and you (and later on) your colleague were the only ones who got hooked.

So basically, when a conman successfully tricks us, he's doing only 10% of the work, 90% of the deceiving are on us! We WANT to believe that such a woman/man is into us. We want to believe in the fairy-tale. Now, what is it that you would like to believe in?

As I said, be polite at work and cut all necessary not work-related contact.

And never ever hook up with unavailable people and coworkers.

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