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Should I just be straight to the point?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2024) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2024)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been really struggling with my husband for so long; I no longer know what to do. I have become hopeless however my main concern, despite everything else i.e. I complained of him not being compassionate enough when I am sick...e.g I have been sick for a few days and not feel like eating...( i had a viral infection ...) but he said I should be straight to be the point and tell him what I want for dinner...I kept saying to him I don't really know as I don't feel hungry...I felt like since he is the one going to the supermarket, he could choose something for me...( considering that he worked as a nurse before I met)...your thoughts here please? Am I not being straight to the point? Am I being too needy? Also I complained how he made me feel as if I am not worthy when he says to me to shut up for example, in bed, I needed him to close the gap as I was feeling cold... he says he couldn't do it..i replied how come ? I was only asking him to move slightly...when I asked him again...he said to me to shut up...there's a lot of time he says to me to shut up...Also i tell him that I feel I suffered a lot in this marriage because all the things that have happened...also myself I gave gone through emotional abuse from my parents since childhood, sexual abuse, neglect...forced to get married at a young age...then for his in laws to do horrible things to me..( including attempt at murder but I have lived...).he is very much aware of that...all this has lowered down my self esteem.so much...it took me so long to recover...i have had counselling and will have some hopefully for the sexual abuse...my husband said to me that I don't know what is suffering??

Anyway my main concern is that I have fallen for a married guy - a crush or infuatuation?? I do believe I will stop crushing on this guy at some point...as

I know he is married and what he wants is sex...he is my son's dt ...I know all this will go away...although it felt real at that...but he still flirts sometimes so I ignore him...I have my head on my shoulder now...anyway by the way he knows about the crush...that I have for my son's dt...my question is how to move forward?

View related questions: crush, emotionally abusive, flirt, self esteem

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2024):

Unfortunately it seems that the childhood abuse has reduced your self esteem to the extent that you think things are your fault when your husband isn't listening to what you say and wants to blame it all on you.

The crush sounds a distraction from all of this but don't you think you're worth better than being used for sex. Because then you would be repeating the mistake of not being treated well.

I think your best course of action is to have therapy for the self esteem. In the meantime could you get away from your husband for a while, stay with family or friends? That might give you some space to think about whether you want to stay with him or not. One step at a time.

I hope you find a better life by learning to assert yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2024):

You clearly have serious mental health issues. Your husband struggles with them and you try to pass it on to him as if he is your therapist and carer. He did not want that, he wanted a normal wife. As for the other man, he won';t hang around if you are needy and wanting lots of attention. When a man is after another man's wife its for free casual sex, not serious stuff, problems and a lot of time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2024):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe you should focus on dealing with your past trauma? Find a good counselor/therapist?

As for your husband telling you to get straight to the point when it comes to what you need when sick, I kind of get it. But it's really not too complicated to make some toast, cut some fruit up, make sure you get plenty of water/tea and chicken noodle soup or whatever, but it's ALSO OK to say:" I would really like /XYZ"

Telling you to shut up is just not OK, ever.

What ARE you getting out of this marriage? Can you live on your own? Because maybe that is preferable to living with this guy?!

As for the married crush... yeah let that go. That is you enjoying some "positive" attention, but you know it would only lead to trouble and it's not as "good" for you as it might feel in the moment. So nip that in the bud.

Figure out how you can live a solo life, get back in counseling and figure out what you REALLY want from life and how to GET that.

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