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Did I over react when I dumped him?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2014)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend - I guess now ex boyfriend - is in his late 40s. We were dating a year and a half - exclusive for a year and 3 months. Over that time, I brought up the future several times. I want marriage and a kid and am ready to start nesting. He would alwas react badly - saying it was unromantic to ask and that I was being pushy and "pressuring him".

The other issue - he goes out to bars and clubs until 4 and 5 am. I know which ones and have gone too. But often he'd go without me and it would be a bit of a fight. I always felt hurt and somewhat annoyed - like "does a guy in his late 40s really need to drink til 4am and then drive home?". "would the same happen if we had a kid?"

So - Friday was the last straw and I guess I'm asking if I over reacted.

We were at our friends apt until 2am. We had come from seperate locations so has two cars. He was visibly intoxicated so I told him to come with me and leave his car. He said he was fine and to not nag him. I suggested I drive him home and get my car later. I had to be at work at 8am mind you. Finally he got so annoyed and said he would drive home. I asked him to text when he got there. So I let him go.

Well a half hour later, no text. I call. No answer. I call again in ten. No answer. I send a text that I am home safe and can he let me

Know he is - I'm getting worried. NOTHiNG. I barely slept. I woke up at 7. Nothing. Work at 8. Nothing. At 10:30AM, EIGHT hours after he said he was driving home - he sends me a text " I'm fine"

I called at that moment. He didn't answer- even though he has just sent the text!!

Finally I called again - and guess what ? He went out drinking at 2AM - instead of home like he told me ! He drove another half hour away from his house and then said he "changed his mind" - and didn't lie when he told me he was going home

As for why he ignored my concerned calls - he said he "had no reception in the basement bar and didn't see them

Until now". Which I know is a lie because he goes out to smoke and had to have checked his phone once before driving 45 minutes from the bar home.

I was so upset - and in light of his stall tactics on a future - I broke up with him over the phone. He said I was being a "drama queen" and "overreacting. "

Now 4 days later , he is messaging me to say sorry and thinks I should excuse his occassioanl bad behavior because he was drunk and the good outweighs the bad. Am I over reacting ?? I just can help feel its absurd that a man in his late 40s is driving drunk, would rather be in a bar at 2am on a Friday without me than in bed with me, and feels "pressured " when I try to talk about moving in and a kid. But insists he wants a future with me , but has to get there "naturally "

Help please. I do love him but I think I deserve better.

View related questions: at work, broke up, drunk, text

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 May 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI think you waited way longer than you should have to end this with him.

He is NEVER going to want to marry you and have a child with you... if he did you would know it by now.

If you want those things it's time to move on and find a new fella...

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 May 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntI interpret your: "I do love him but I think I deserve better." to mean: "I'm attracted to this 40-plus year old CHILD, but would really prefer to date - maybe marry - an adult."

This "relationship" has no future as long as you can't tolerate a "child" boyfriend.

Good luck...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014):

If he is not ready at 48 he never will be and yes that is too old to be in bars at 4am on a regular basis or maybe at all. He is not responsible at all, he drives drunk(may be alcoholic) and doesn't bother to let you know he is ok. You did the right thing to break up with him.

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (29 May 2014):

llifton agony auntHey there.

Let me first begin by saying that drinking and driving is not only incredibly dangerous, but incredibly selfish. You're not just placing yourself at risk; you're placing innocent people at risk. It's very immature and I would be very put off by that behavior, alone.

I don't think you're over-reacting. I just simply think you two are in completely different places in life, and are simply incompatible. I'll discuss my views on each separate topic individually.

Wanting kids and marriage - I understand you want these things. Totally normal, and you're not wrong for that. However, only a year and three months committed may not be long enough for him (it wouldn't be for me). Not to forget to take into account that you may have been somewhat pushing this for some time now. So he may feel very pressured. Marriage and family has to come on it's own time and accord. If you push too hard, you're liable to scare someone off. I think that was how he was feeling - he just wasn't ready.

About him going out to bars without you - once again, I don't blame you for not wanting that and wanting him to grow out of it. At the same time, he enjoys the bar scene and going out with friends. Being in your 40's doesn't mean you have to stop having fun and stop doing the things you enjoy. You two just enjoy different things. You want to relax in and unwind, and he wants to go out and unwind. Once again, you two are just incompatible here. No right versus wrong.

About this specific issue where he drove off drunk after refusing to let you drive and not letting you know he made it home. This situation would piss me off, too. Once again, because drinking and driving makes me very angry as well as the fact that he lied and didn't even bother to let you know he was okay. He most likely knew he was going to go back out all along and just didn't want to tell you because he knew you wouldn't like it. But rather than tell the truth, he opted to lie and not deal with you until after his night out was over. Basically, he didn't want you to spoil it for him. Now, I do feel that he's learned to stop telling you things because he feels you will over-react. Which probably set the scene for how this played out. If he felt that he could tell you what his plans were without you (in his own head) nagging him, then he most likely would have told you. But nonetheless, the fact that he lied, didn't bother to let you know he was okay ALL night when he knew you were worried sick, and then lied again about reception in the basement as his ridiculous explanation, would really gnaw at me. It displayed a complete lack of concern for your feelings completely.

All in all, I think you made the right choice and you should stick by your decision. You two are not at all right for each other and you will wind up very frustrated again because you want to nest and he wants to have fun. You two are noteajt to be.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntHe isn't a bad man but a bad match for you. He still acts like he is in his 20's - I'm sorry going out and getting drunk in his LATE 40's is.... well... someone desperately clinging to his youth and independence.

He doesn't WANT marriage, he doesn't WANT kids, because it would cause a severe kink in his lifestyle.

I would look elsewhere for a life partner, I don't think he is it for you.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (29 May 2014):

You're definitely with the wrong person. So, forcing him to be what you want is only going to make you and him miserable. You have to accept that he just isn't who you want him to be.

Now, go find yourself a guy who is better for you so that you can get the ball rolling.

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (29 May 2014):

Atsweet1 agony auntHe doesnt seem to have a problem with hanging at bar plus having a family or girlfriend. Normally when people dont go home its cause they out having fun and socializing. If this type of behavior is a problem let it been know but he may not be ready for love and marriage.

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