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I wonder if he could actually care for me.

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Long distance, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2014)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi,

I met someone on holiday five years ago. It was clear we liked the look of each other but nothing ever happened. He found me on facebook somehow when he got home and three years later we were still texting every other week. Last year he asked me over to Ireland where he is from, he paid for everything but I thought it was a complete disaster because I found it hard to be myself around his friends. We didn't talk much after that until a few months ago. He had to come over to england but said he'd stay a few days if I wanted to see him. So I did. We stayed in a hotel. We went out and did things together and we had good sex. This time I really liked him and now I can't stop thinking about him and wondering if he really does like me too. He's definitely 'one of the lads' and he seems like such a 'player' so it's hard to decide if all the nice things he did were just to play the game and keep me Interested for if he has to come back to England. Do you think he actually might care about me?

View related questions: facebook, on holiday, text

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 May 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntdoesn't matter what he feels.. it's not going to be much of anything other than the occasional hook up.

I triple what Mark has said.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI can't improve on what Mark said.

He is a nice fantasy, not BF material.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (29 May 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntHello,

To be honest I don't think it really matters too much if he cares about you are not as he lives in another country. For a relationship to work with this guy, either you need to move to Ireland, or he needs to move to England. If its taken three years of texting just to meet up a couple of times again then realistically this isn't going anywhere, im sorry.

You spent a week or so with him in Ireland and it was a disaster. He spent some time with you and it was basically a hook up. You suspect he is a player and have no idea what, or indeed who, he is doing back in his homeland.

I think you need to accept that five years back, in a relaxed setting of a holiday, you got on well and clicked. Five years on and the reality of turning a holiday romance/crush from the past, with a man from another country, into a proper relationship is unlikely to ever work.

Five years is a long time when you are young and I doubt either of you are the same now as you were when you met on holiday. Your unsure if he is playing a game or was genuine and for a long distance relationship to work there needs to be a lot of trust and certainty.

Even if you were head over heels for each other, there is the issue of the distance between you. Texting someone from abroad is not a relationship and for there to be a basis for a relationship that's going to work either you will have to move away from your friends and family to be with him and his friends you didn't get on with, or he will have to do the same to be with you. Plus the situation of finding a new job, not knowing anyone else, etc.

From the way you described your experience, and its aftermath, of going to visit him I don't think you would be too suited to joining him and his life in Ireland. When he came to visit you he took you out a bit, told you nice things and spent time in a hotel having sex with you. Sorry but this isn't going to work. You need to find someone closer to home, someone who isnt going to be a massive project in frustration, uncertainty and waiting.

Mark

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