A
female
age
51-59,
*ountry
writes:my boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 5 years now and part of me truly beleaves that he loves me and part does not. I was in a very bad marriage. He says that he does not watch porn or looks at other woman on the computer but i have seen where he has been looking to porn and I have woke up to him masterbating to porn on the computer. What can I do to find out if he loves me and to put my mind to rest on whether he would cheet on me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): i have ben in the same position and i confronted my partner you could say and he calmed my fears, he said that he did those things cos he was worried i would get frustrated on havin sex all the time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): I agree with both writers. You have been together for 5 years. That's good news. Did he start watching porn recently or long time ago even before you started relationship? It seems he started just recently. That means something is becoming wrong in your relationship. Before you suspect him, just try to think over what is wrong in your relationship particularly your sex life. Discuss with him and try to improve your sex life. This is not very big deal and you can easily solve this problem. First try to be horny and initiate sex with him and try different sex positions that you think pleases him. Then tell him your feelings when you look at porn. If you have wonderful sex life and if he really loves you, I am sure he doesn't do what you don't want.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 January 2008):
 His spanking the monkey, or watching the porn is not the real issue here. First of all, you're comparing this relationshp with your last. Actually when you do that, you're comparing your boyfriend to your ex. Remember, no one ever has a bad relationship, it's the person who's the cause. A "relationship" doesn't have the ability to be good or bad.
What's happening is you say your relationship is bad. Your brain then files "bad" under "relationship", so now you're in a new "relationship" all though it was a person who hurt you, your brain remembers the association to "relationship" so fears develop even if theirs no evidence from the behaviors of the new individual, their still judged as having the possability to cause what the last person did.
OK back on topic. What I am worried about for you is "denial". He said he doesn't view that material. Why does he feel the need to lie to you, and if he's willing to lie over this, what else might he not tell the truth about?
A very important part of being in a relationship is being truthful. It won't survive without it. I'd have a chat with him. Let him know "you knew what he was doing". Set your boundaries with what you're willing to accept and what you're not. Don't just allow someone to act wrong because they choose to. You too have a choice in how you're going to be treated. Don't accept less than what you deserve. All though you were treated wrong in the past, you still deserve to be treated as a queen. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Just because he looks at porn doesn't necessarily mean he will cheat on you. Obviously it could be an indicator that he has a wandering eye and it certainly is very distasteful to do that behind your back, but there are much more accurate and definite indicators of a wandering eye. For instance, has his everyday behavior changed significantly? Has he been going out more often with his buddies? Does he come home later than usual, and claims he was "working late?" Does he disappear alot and you don't know where he is? Do you often catch him ogling or staring at other girls right in front of you? Has he been less affectionate with you? If you notice significant changes towards you or in his everyday life, especially things I mentioned above, then it could be very possible that he is likely to cheat on you.
But porn viewing in and of itself isn't a huge clue toward judging his fidelity. I know this because I dated someone who looked at porn every chance he got but he never cheated on me. I mean obviously it was a very irritating habit that I would not accept and it lead to our break up. Even though it is not physical cheating, it still feels like cheating when your partner gets his rocks off over images of other women. I think it is inappropriate, hurtful and it could be a sign that something is not right in your relationship or something's not right with him. Maybe he feels your sex life is not up to par with his needs. Or maybe he is bored. Or maybe he is addicted. I don't know. In any case, his porn viewing is something you should address to him. Let him know that you don't like it and that you feel cheated when he does that. Let him know that you don't like it, period. That is what I said to my ex and he TOTALLY agreed with me and even got so upset that he hurt me so much. He would have been so upset if I had done that to him so obviously he knew how I felt. But nothing ever changed. He claimed he was addicted and it just never stopped. So I left and that was that. But it is worth a try for you to talk to him and for him to try to please you. Its not alot to ask for in a relationship and its common decency. And if he succeeds at pleasing you and respecting your wishes, then that's how you will know he loves you. Good luck.
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