A
female
age
36-40,
*urnt Out
writes:Hi there, Iv'e never sought help from internet sights before but i'd really like to hear from guys and girls that have been through similar experiences as me. My boyfriend and I have just broke up for the 4th time in 2 and a half years of a long distance relationship. We lived in separate states the whole time and got to see each other every 3 or 4 weeks. The relationship started off amazingly, he was my first love, and of course, i thought i was going to marry him. he had been in a relationship before, but he said that he didnt know what true love was until he met me. He said he didnt love his ex like he did me. He said that he will always consider me to be his first love. When we met, his band was getting off the ground and i was still in uni. We had an amazing time going to live music and going on trips and just being young adults. Now, i have a full time job and and live in a rented apartment and am pretty set up. He still lives at home and lived there our whole relationship. In a couple of words, hes over mothered. His parents pay for absolutely everything, and he never had a job in the time that we were together. They fully support his band, although in the time that we were together, it never really progressed. He is always dragging his feet and not putting in %100 effort.His band manager gets mad at him about this I always had full time or part time work during semester. Now for the reasons we broke up. We broke up because we would fight all the time. We were always havng fights and making up. We fought 50% of the time over the phone when we were apart and about %30 of the time when we were together. We loved each other so so so much. He would cry sometimes at how much he loved me. Like late at night he would have a teary because he would tell me how happy he was with me. But the arguing always wrecked it. Generally it was me getting pissed off with him because he was so lazy and non hard working. I am the complete opposite, when i want something, i go for it. i get it done. i feel as though i was always pushing him to do anything and, alot of the times, hed get lazy in the relationship because he knew id pick up the tab. Make more phone calls, pay for dinner more, do all the organising. He broke up with me all the times, even though i would be saying to him its not working. He couldnt take all the arguining and neither could I, but he was the one that would cut and run, and block me out (he does this to his band manager as well, he switches off his phone if he knows his manager is pissed at him for being lazy).What i want to know is, will this guy ever grow up and realize that he is his own worst enemy? Will he just man just man up and take control of his life and make shit work? He loved me to bits (his words) but he never ever put in the small amount of effort required to stop us argiung. Just little things like making sure he had enough money so i wouldnt have to pay for him and making sure he called me so it wasnt always me calling him. i know we were very very different people, but i was fine with that. We wanted the same things for our future, and we had the same values about raising kids etc. Its just, i was making my future happen, i was earing money and treating the guy i loved well to keep the relationship solid. He was just being lazy, and dreaming about his future instead of just making it hapen. We just argued and argued and argued because he would not commit to making it work. he wanted to, and said he would, and promised. but his behaviour never changed unless he was trying to win me back. then he would bake cupcakes saying "take me back" and buy me flowers and write me songs etc. this guy was the sweetest. he just didnt realise that we argued becuase he was lazy and never actually did the things he would say.
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broke up, flowers, his ex, lives at home, long distance, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Burnt Out +, writes (14 August 2010):
Burnt Out is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your very detailed advice. Your right, one of us did have to move, but when i suggested I move, he said that he couldnt let me leave my job, he would feel to guilty, and that it was not a good idea because the relationship was so unstable because we werent working at all.
He also said that it would put too much pressure on the relationship and that if it didnt work out he would feel horrible.
he said he didnt want to move to me because of his band partner and he didnt want to cause even more financial stress to his family by moving out and them having to pay the rent.
he always says i deserve someone better etc. why does he say this and why wont he let me move.
does he just not want to be with me?
even he admits that when we are together we barely ever fight.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 August 2010):
 Well, he puts effort into getting you back so, his willingness is there, you just have to find a way to spread it out into other areas of your relationship. Finance is usually the reason for a break-up so you can't let that affect you. Now that it has, you have to find a way to stand against it. Tell him that you need him that way, to help you both. Make him feel needed that way and if he really loves you that much, he should jump at the chance to make you happy right?
I hope that helps.
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